What you give up:
The normalcy. Normality. Whatever the hell you want to call it.
Not just the status quo, but more-so the hope of ever fitting in, of ever being able to relate to people in a way that doesn't ostracize yourself, that doesn't make you an outsider perpetually standing just beyond the girls' circle at lunchtime recess.
Security, or at least a certain amount of it.
What you gain:
The relationships, or at least that's the hope. The ability to have and hold the people you love, without guilt, shame, or self-loathing. Knowing that you can be inspired by so many more people in your short little life.
Honesty and something that can last.
What I miss, regardless:
Being cherished. Feeling loved, completely. Compliments. Feeling good enough.
What I appreciate, regardless:
Patience. Willingness to change and try. Honesty. A lack of fear. Self-confidence. Persistence. The arms at night, a smile when I walk in the door.
Dammit, I don't know how to parse my way through this alone.
