A Glance Out the Window

I've been sounding pretty damn good lately. I've been practicing a lot, so it's deserved, and not accidental. I was ready for this audition.

It's only a summer festival audition; it's not that big of a deal. Breathe, calm down. What the hell is with all this shaking; you'd think you'd never taken an audition before...

It was weird, the sudden onset of out of control nerves. I honestly didn't know if I would be able to play.

But of course, I played. And you know? It wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. It was fine. Nothing was embarrassing. Except that damn it all to freaking hell low D that didn't speak in the Mendelssohn for absolutely no reason, nothing was embarrassing.

But what matters more to me, really, is that I just didn't shine. I didn't make myself any different from anyone else. And I know that I can play in a way that shimmers and speaks and makes people sit up and listen.

But today? I was a predictably mediocre flute player, and a jaded one at that.

Okay, breathe. Hear the music; just hear it in your head, smile. Smiling makes them like you, it'll make you feel better... And now, play - don't wait too long - don't show them you're nervous. Who are you kidding? They know you're nervous. You're freaking breathing jaggedly and can't make eye contact. And so just play. See? It's not so bad. You can play this stuff in your sleep. It's a 30 second excerpt, you're almost there. ...

And what the fuck was that? Why didn't that note come out? Seriously? Going on 17 years of this now... there's no excuse for buckling.

When things aren't going well - in an audition, in a lesson, in a relationship - I tend to look away. I want to disappear; I want to escape from who I am and what I'm doing. This can't possibly be me. Oh, but it is - by default - you. I look out the nearest window and watch the sun the clouds and the sky and I think about getting on my bike and riding far away, wishing I was that trite little bird...

Wishing I was anything but the irritable flute player that can only believe in herself when no one is listening, not knowing how to bridge the gap between here and there.