Beyond Failure

"Life isn't perfect."

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard that one before.

So, we all make choices, right? And who is to ever say whether they're good choices or bad choices or even just so-so choices? You never know what would have been down that other road, and so life is forever a boring cliche of guessing just what that greener grass couldhavewouldhave been.

And you know, these days - things are good. I have a great guy and a good relationship. I have enough work to support myself. I'm not on any medication. I'm recommitting myself to triathlon... I even have a few people I'm confident I can call 'friend'.

But, I can't help but want more.

And what I want doesn't matter — it's irrelevant, really.

Whether referring to career or relationships or even a silly night out, it all boils down to one thing — I want guarantees. I almost can't operate without them. So many times I've been tempted to back out, just because I can't tell the future, and just because I'm scared of failure.

No, I take that back. I'm not scared of failure. Failure and rejection, I know quite intimately, and I'm not afraid of them.

Instead, I'm scared of what that failure will bring, and the lack of options that lay just beyond failure.

But I'm not whining. I'm not unhappy and I'm not complaining.

I'm just saying that, despite knowing exactly to a freaking golf tee what I want in life in career in love, I still don't know how to go about getting it — and that's mostly because no one can promise me I won't just waste my time in pursuit. All my innumerable Type-A charts and outlines and plans can't give me the insurance I so horribly crave, and so?

I'm just figuring this out as I write, so maybe it's nothing all that profound, but maybe — maybe I just have to figure out how to keep persevering without the guarantees.

And yeah, that's obvious, but it's also [to be trite] so much easier said than done. It means practicing hours every day even though you know it's so damn hard to get a job, and god that's the least of it.

But, I guess we all have to start somewhere, and for me? Tonight it starts with going out with my friends after an evening of frustrating debilitating irritating boring but still somehow oddly inspiring practice.

So, despite the fact that I'm tired and don't really feel like moving even an inch off my bed, I'll head out to hear Cajun music, because that's where my friends are — and really, a night out with friends I only see once a year simply has to be more memorable than a night spent otherwise.

And even if the night ends up being less than I hoped, nothing all that bad will happen. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I can easily wash the smoke off of my clothes and out of my hair.

And who knows? Maybe it'll be the best night of my life.

No guarantees either way, but that's okay. As of right now, I'm learning to live without guarantees.

You know, I think our lifestyle of returning anything and everything just because we changed our mind or 'I don't like it anymore' has tempted us to treat non-material items in the same way, and maybe that's the fatal flaw.

But enough rambling; I'm heading out to the bar...