And then my camera battery died...

Hacking up a lung

I haven't been sick since May, and that was Wildflower induced.  WHY would I get sick during the one weekend I manage to get up to Vermont?

Actually - don't answer that; I don't want to hear it. 

So, I got a sinus infection.  I felt so miserable yesterday that I actually made an appointment and went to the doctor.  That might be the first time I've done that without my mom having to threaten me beforehand; I guess I'm growing up.

Now I'm drugged and feeling slightly better (I'm on both pain killers and prescription medicine), but I still have coughing fits that could wake the dead.

And I'm kind of panicking about all the things I have to do - school, flute, and everyday life seem to be attacking all at once - so right now I'm going to call the health insurance company, look up my student loan status, change clothes to go teach spinning, and hope that I manage to get through the class with at least one lung left.

I'm finally doing it.

For years I've been saying I would go to Vermont in the Fall to see the leaves...

and every year the semester starts and the season disappears and I don't manage to get there.

But today - in 30 minutes - I'm getting in my car and driving up I-87... and so by about 5Pm this afternoon, I'll be back in the cabin in the woods.

The entire Northeast (from New York all the way up to Vermont) is going to be drenched for the weekend, and although I would love a quintessential brisk Vermont weekend, I'm content with spending the rainy days up in the cabin.  It'll be raining and cold whether I'm here in New Brunswick or up in Jamaica, VT, so I might as well be in my favorite surroundings.

And, I'm going up there with someone pretty awesome, so all in all... I couldn't really be more excited to get in my car and get on the road.

Pictures of leaves and rain to come...

The Garden State PARKway...

I was just trapped on the Garden State Parkway for 2 hours - it took an hour to drive a little less than a mile.  I almost ran out of gas... and I definitely was on the verge of losing my mind.

But, I was talking to my sister (yes, it's illegal to talk on your phone in NJ, but in my book those rules are suspended when driving less than 5 miles per hour) and she reminded me of something - that the traffic was most likely caused by an accident (she was right), and that if it was miles of back-up, the accident was probably bad (it caused a 5 lane highway to be reduced to 1 lane), and someone could have been hurt... and that you can't really be angry about being stuck in a car when someone else is either injured or dead.... even if you have to wake up in T-5.5 hours to teach Spinning.  And, even if having to wake up early is justification for freaking out (it's not), then there were definitely many other people around me who also had to wake up early.

So, I need to go to bed so that I do get some sleep - but before I do that, I just wanted to say thanks Ta, for reminding me that traffic is not really anything that you should let bother you all that much.

8-plus

Over the weekend in New York, I somehow got lost in Central Park.  I don't know how it's possible, because it's just a loop that I've run many times before... but somehow I missed my exit and wound up partway through my second loop before realizing 'Hey... I've seen that already...'.

So...I successfully busted through my 4.6m post-Bike and Build barrier and ran a comfortable 8-plus miles.  It felt great to be out for longer than 40 minutes and I carried around my runner's high for the rest of the day.  

It's of course now gone, so instead of feeding into the grump that I feel approaching, I'm going to head out again.  Running doesn't always have to be an escape, but it certainly works as one at times.

I'm working on some running goals; I've been newly inspired.  I'm going to pick a race that's far enough way to allow for proper training this time around - and then maybe, just maybe, I'll actually accomplish what I set out to do.

Today

Today someone found my blog by Googling 'I rode my bike naked'.

Great.

I gave into the scissors, cut off the mullet, and now I have short hair.

Or I could attempt to remedy the situation with a pair of scissors.

Trust Your Gut

It wasn't anything all that important this time... just a stupid haircut.

It doesn't look good, but I guess I don't really care.  It's only hair; it'll grow back.

The thing that pisses me off is that I knew the guy was cutting it too short.

I know my hair bounces up when it dries, and so if it's even the slightest bit too short, I turn into a bona-fide mushroom head.

But instead of telling him to stop, I just sat there and stared at the mirror as increasing amounts of my hair fell to the floor... I even convinced myself that he knew what he was doing and wouldn't mess it up.  

And it's not a disaster; most people probably won't even notice.  But from my (admittedly exaggerated and warped) point of view, I am the embodiment of two haircuts in one.  Long in back, and way too short in front - an elongated, kinda-curly mullet.  I haven't had this bad of a haircut since I was 12 and conveniently decided to cut myself bangs two months before my bat mitzvah.

So the point is - I need to trust myself more... with a silly haircut, but also with life in general.  

I think that once you learn to really trust yourself, you've got a lot figured out.  I think that if we dig deep enough, we all know what is best in almost any situation - it's just that sometimes it's hard to admit to what you have to do - and it isn't always easy or fun.

But in the long run, there really isn't much of an option.

So that's Resolution No. 587 - Trust Your Gut.

For now though, I guess I just have to wear my hair in a ponytail - which, to be honest, isn't all that different from the norm anyhow.

I just want to go to the bathroom in peace...

I remember saying that quite a few times this summer.

We would stop along the route to get snacks or refill our water or go to the bathroom... and inevitably, someone would ask us what we were doing - our jerseys and bikes and our general psychotic sleep-deprived demeanor made us very obviously outside of the norm.

And so, enter canned spiel:  "We're part of a group called Bike and Build.  There are 32 of us, and we're biking across the country and building houses for affordable housing groups, like Habitat for Humanity.  We each raised $4,000 before starting the trip, so our group raised $130,000 before we left.  There are 7 different routes traveling across the country right now, so there are about 210 of us biking and building across the US.  We're the Southern route.  We started in Jacksonville, FL and are finishing in San Francisco, CA in August.  Look, you can see our route on the back of my jersey - we're the yellow line traveling across the bottom of the country..."

And it's not that I wasn't enthusiastic about it; I was - and really, that little speech was part of the whole point of the trip.  We were supposed to be spreading awareness as we rode across the country; otherwise, we might as well have just stopped in one place and built for the entire summer...

But, as our legs and minds got tired and we occasionally got frustrated with biking and each other, it was sometimes hard to muster up enough pep in my voice.  Sometimes I just wanted to drink my chocolate milk and not think about anything else.

So today on the way back from teaching Spinning, as I stopped at a convenience store to get milk and cereal and got questioned as to why I was wearing spandex and dripping sweat all over the aisles, I smiled and told the guy I was a Spinning teacher at the gym up the road.  He started to tell me about someone he knew who rode 80 miles over the weekend.  I smiled and nodded (hell, it's more than I did this weekend!), and he asked me if I had ever done that sort of thing.  

I grinned, and said yes - over the summer I biked across the country - from Florida to California... and I helped build houses along the way.  And I realized I had a note of pride in my voice.  I went on with the speech and it didn't feel forced or contrived.  I was talking about it because I wanted to - because it's worth talking about.  The guy was duly impressed, told me I was a good person, and held the door open for me as I left.

I don't know if I deserve the 'good person' treatment, but I do know that the little time away from Bike and Build has renewed the spark; I knew it was awesome at the time, but it's just easy to get bogged down in the every day trivialities and forget that what you're doing is kind of amazing.  

The 2009 Bike and Build applications are online and I spent the better part of an hour just clicking through the different routes and letting my heart beat and mouth water with anticipation... I'm thinking of being a leader next year.  There's a new route (South Carolina to Santa Cruz) that features a week long Blitz Build in Colorado Springs, CO where you build an entire house.  It's the longest route to date (10 weeks and 4,500+ miles, I've heard), and travels up the Rockies instead of 'just' over them.

I'm not committing yet; I have too much going on right now to know what I'm going to be doing this summer... but it's definitely on my mind.  Being a leader would be good for me; both with organizational skills (procrastination, anyone?) and with being able to assert myself in a group situation (public speaking is not exactly my forte; think I could get away with just playing the flute in morning circle?)...

At the very least though, now Bike and Build is novel again, and regardless of what next summer brings, I can't wait to get back on the road and be questioned about what the hell I'm doing in a stinky uniform jersey at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere.

The 4.6m Run

Our running club does an out and back along the towpath.  So of course, you can basically go for as long and far as you want... it spans the whole 30m to Princeton, so would you ever want a 60m run, it's totally feasible.  

But, the first official 'turn around' spot is 2.3m out from where we park.  And so, I've been to the club 4 times since I've been back in New Brunswick, and each time I've done the same 4.6m run.  Today I had every intention of going further; I'm going to have to, if I want to attempt that Vermont-race madness.  (Since there isn't any limit to the number of entries, I'm thinking the plan of action will be to head up there regardless and then sign up at the last minute depending on weather and fitness.)

[As a side note, some girls just walked by and one of them screamed "Oh my God, he LIKES me.  He doesn't just go around f-ing things." Awesome.]

But the point was this: I need to run further.  I'm being lazy... for no reason.  I have plenty of time and I'm in relative shape.  Not running shape per-say, but I'm definitely strong - and increasing the mileage really shouldn't be this much of a (literal) pain in the keister.

I believe I'm going into the city at the end of this week, so here's the deal - 

If I'm in New Brunswick for the Wednesday night group run, I'll do the whole 7m run through Highland Park, complete with hills.  And if I'm in New York, I'll run around Central Park at least once... that's only 6m, but the hills in that park are hard-core.  

So there.  4.6m run, begone.

Ugh.  The people training for Philadelphia this year are already up to an 18m run this week... and I know I didn't train perfectly last year, but I did enough to feel like I was actually training for the thing... 

Somewhere along the bike ride across the country this summer, I became a wimp.

Hmm...

I'm in the process of maybe being able to do this race...

Before you freak out - don't worry; I'm not going to try to run 50 miles after not running all summer.  I'm hoping to do the relay with some friends.

And I'll try not to be the person who has to do 22 miles... no promises though... 

Next year?  It's ON - I'm doing the whole thing.

Justified

When you're doing something you know you shouldn't be -

whether it be procrastinating by spending excessive amounts of time on the computer (Facebook might just be sent as a test from the devil),

or hitchhiking on a cross-country bike tour for charity (it was only twice!),

or shortening your 6m run to something more like 4.6m (I'm just getting used to running again and this pace is way faster than it should be; I should turn around...now!),

or ordering fries and eating an extra piece of birthday cake (I exercise; I should be allowed.),

or getting out of work because you just don't feel like dealing with any of it,

or stealing chocolate milk from the student union (because they over-charge students anyhow and deserve it),

or involving yourself in a relationship that you know is both wrong and dangerous for your psyche,

it's so easy to justify yourself.  It's so easy to feel justified for your actions.  You know it's not for the common good, but you can't stop yourself.  You know you're a good person at heart, so why can't you go about things the way you know is right?

Why?  Is it because you're weak?  Or because you think it'll work out in the long run?  Or because you're afraid of what would happen if you actually go about things in the right way? 

Because, if you actually attempt the bike ride without giving yourself a way out, maybe you wouldn't make it over the mountain anyhow.  And even if you practice non-stop for the next 5 years, you still might not get a job. And if and when you find someone who is available, the relationship still might not work.  

And then?  Then you'd have to deal with legitimate failure...and excuses are lot more manageable.

But the taste those justifications leave in your mouth - that's not manageable.  It makes you sick to your stomach and unable to think of much else.  You feel guilty and slightly ridiculous and you just wish you had been able to go about things in a slightly different manner.  

So... it should change.

I'm not saying I'll never justify myself again; that's impossible.  I am; however, saying that I'm going to try.  I'm going to try to look at all angles before I take the easy way out.

This post is kind of embarrassing because it's admitting such weakness, but I've always been able to own up to my shortcomings before, so now is no time to quit.

To start anew, tonight I'm going to go to a meeting to help canvass and campaign for Obama, and I'll stop thinking about myself for a little while and try to help with something I believe is right... with no justifications needed.

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My Favorite Campaign Slogan Revived - An Attempt to 'Return to Normalcy'

You know how when you've been doing something a lot, your brain thinks along those lines, whether or not it makes any actual sense at all?  

Like, you're doing chemistry equations in class for hours (yeah, it's been a lot of years since then, but I still kind of remember it), and then you start thinking of sentences people say in terms of balancing out an equation...

Or, you've been playing Tetris way too much and everybody around is a little block that needs to fit in a line, coming at you at lightening speed...

The same things happens to me when I'm reading an amazing book, or have been using my camera a lot.  The world is the book's world, and I see my surroundings as they would be framed in a picture.

And when I've been writing often (whether here, to another person, or just for myself), I tend to think of things to write; I have lots of new ideas and want to sit down right away and get the words onto paper.  I'll be forming the sentences in my head as I'm walking to a computer and I always have this half-panicked feeling that I'll forget the perfect phrasing before I get there.  It happens a lot as I'm falling asleep and there have been many times that I will drag myself out of bed and wake up enough to write down what I want to say so that I don't lose it by the morning.

This happens to most people, I'm sure...

But lately?  Not to me.

I don't know why, but I haven't been immersed in much of anything over the past few weeks. Maybe it's still a need to recover from the intensity of the summer.  Or maybe, I have other things on my mind and just don't have the room for all the extra stuff.  Or maybe, all creativity has ceased to exist and I'm going to lead a boring, uninspired life for the rest of my time.

I'm not really thinking the latter is a legitimate option, but the other two are definitely plausible.  

Because, I definitely do have a lot on my mind.  Between getting back to school and re-learning to play the flute and not biking 6-8 hours everyday (because it turns out that much exercise helps keep me sane; too bad it's not practical in real life) and figuring out when and what my lecture recital will be and trying not to lose my mind at the thought of how much money I seem to be requiring yet don't have... not to mention other things that I don't want to talk about because it's too confusing and frustrating... well, it's just been a lot.  

But, I miss it.  I miss being up to date with what everyone else in the blogosphere is doing, and I miss being in the midst of it all - because right now, I'm definitely not - it almost feels like I've lost a bunch of friends.  Plus, in a more selfish manner, I miss having the natural ability to get my thoughts straightened out as I write.

So that's what this is - an attempt to get back into the normalcy of blog-land, with hope that you'll once again accept me into the fold.

Happy Endings.

Since I'm obviously lagging in getting this stuff together, here's a video and slideshow from other people on the trip... I've never been one to cry upon departure, but the summer brought it out of me; I can't watch this stuff without tears streaming down my face.

At the Apple Store

Because my computer crashed.  And it's totally dead.  As in...I have no more information or programs and I need a new hard drive.  

It's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but between the loss of my photos and papers I've written through my Doctorate program and the complete lack of money I have to replace everything...I'm just kind of upset about it.

I should have gotten Apple Care.  But...I didn't have the money for that either, and I always think that the bad stuff won't actually happen. 

On the bright side, I rode 100 miles yesterday in DC with my best friend, and it was awesome. And, orchestra is fun and I'm starting to sound like myself on the flute.  

So, what is it they say? Life goes on...