Fat and Happy: there's some truth to that saying...

He looks good - cute as usual. Me? A little bit rounded out - like a pear. Yeah, so I've gained a few pounds over the past month. I don't care though; it'll most likely come off on the bike trip. And even if not, I still don't mind - it's been fun.

(Go ahead and laugh - that is cake we're both holding, which definitely didn't aid the problem - but it was good cake - with layers of pudding in the middle and fresh berries on top - totally worth it.)

When was the last time you heard a dot matrix printer?

Holy Shit

NY Times Review!

Check it out! (I played in the Magnificat mentioned towards the end.)

My Mediocre Rhythm Could Have Killed Me

Two nights ago, I was practicing in my room, just getting started around 6 PM because I'm a lazy asshole who sleeps all day and drinks all night...and all of a sudden the doorbell starts ringing incessantly.

So, I slowly put my flute down and walk down the first flight of stairs thinking 'Chill out, what the hell? Who would ring a doorbell like that?'...and I see huge clouds of smoke just rolling up the stairs. I had never seen such thick smoke. It was obviously a fire, and I figured that what I had thought was my doorbell was actually my smoke alarm.

Luckily, the smoke hadn't quite reached the second floor, so I ran through the second floor apartment (I'm on the third floor), and bolted out the other entrance. I briefly thought that I should go upstairs and get my flute and phone (so that I could at least call 911), but I instead just kept going - I didn't know what was happening and I just knew I had to get out of the house.

So I run around to the side of the house, and sure enough - there are flames shooting off the side of it. There is a painter working on the house right now whose method of paint removal is to burn the paint off. Well, I'm sure he knows what he's doing, but on a windy day, the whole process is just kind of idiotic. The painter was doing something on the front of the house, so he didn't know what was going on yet - I yell at him to come help and start to look for water. There is a spigot right there, but it's attached to a sprinkler and the water isn't flowing freely.

So we're both just running around like wild animals, trying to get the hose untangled and the water running. The water worked first, so I took a huge plant pot and started filling it with water and dumping it on the side of the house as fast as I could while the painter untangled the hose. Finally, he got it free and managed to put the fire out. But, it wasn't easy - fires don't go out with just a little water. It was really starting to rage, and I think another minute or so and the house wouldn't have been salvageable.

Okay, so my house caught on fire. Everything is okay; the place smells disgusting and it's hard for me to practice in here because of it, but otherwise, no one was hurt and nothing was truly ruined. The side of the house needs some work, but it's nothing that injured the framework.

Everything is fine.

But here's the kicker...the noise that went off when I was practicing? It sounded like my doorbell because it was my doorbell. The fire had started right where the doorbell was wired, and when the wires caught fire and shorted, for some reason it made the doorbell sound constantly.

What about my fire alarm? Well, it most likely wouldn't have gone off for a little while longer because the smoke hadn't reached my apartment yet. And then, how would I have gotten out? I needed those few stairs that were free of smoke so that I could get into the second floor apartment. I guess I could have knocked a window out and jumped off the roof or something, but it would have been a bad situation.

But...my alarm wouldn't have gone off anyhow because a few days ago I had taken the battery out for my metronome. So, if the fire hadn't started in the exact place that it did and caused the doorbell to notify me, things could have been a lot worse.

I know it was idiotic to take the battery out, but who thinks that their house is really going to catch on fire?!? But, from now on, I'll assume that it will - and I'll get myself to the nearest convenience store for a battery instead of stealing from the devices that are supposed to help save my life.

And that second floor apartment? I'm so lucky the door was unlocked.

It's scary that there are so many variables that could have easily taken my life.

It was scary, but I think I maintained my cool pretty well during the whole thing - I was able to help put it out and use keep some kind of logistical thinking going...but afterwards I just felt really shaky and weak for quite a while. And, I didn't want to be in the house, so I took a long walk and tried to chill out and called a friend to entertain and distract me once I felt calm enough to explain the situation.

So, no need to freak out anymore, but it was definitely something that shook me up to the core, and made me realize that no amount of attempting to perfect my rhythm is worth my life. And I know that sounds silly, but it's kind of true - so many times I take the shortcut route in order to make things easier (like using the battery from my fire alarm for my metronome) - assuming that I'm SuperWoman and nothing really bad would ever happen to me. But, if I don't learn my lesson now, I'm going to eventually get in a lot of trouble. So, Murphey's Law will now be my mantra and I won't try to sidestep around the corners. I'll be the anal psycho that double checks the coffee pot 15 times before leaving the house.

I just taught my last crack-of-dawn spinning class until the fall and I'm going back to sleep. I'm playing at the graduation ceremony this afternoon and maybe running tonight. I still have a house to return to, everything is normal, and I'm really grateful that I was so lucky.

Looking Through the Fog

This guy...he's great, and I have no reason to doubt him, other than that I doubt people in general.

It's not a jealousy thing, or even some kind of weird (deserved or undeserved) suspicion. It's that you never truly know what the other person is thinking, or even feeling. And it's been less than a month, so really - I have no right to even presume to know what is going through his head. After all, he doesn't know what's going through mine - unless he reads this, of course. But, I'm relatively sure he doesn't...and even if he did, it would be asinine to assume that a web page can even begin to be a comprehensive look at a person, and I believe he knows that.

Anyway, that's all besides that point...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been dealing with some demons within myself - the ones that I thought were entirely situationally provoked. I'm realizing that even if they did start out as cause-and-effect, now they're ingrained into my daily thinking and the way I evaluate.

So I don't know - I think I'm doing a decent job of keeping everything under control this time around, but it's still really scary. It's so damn frightening to feel vulnerable.

I know a lot of it is my own insecurity, and I know it's maybe just a panic-reflex of self preservation, but still...it's part of my reality.

I'm having fun though, and I know I'm enjoying having him in my life. So, the fear? It's worth it...and one of these days it won't be so scary anymore.

It's 4:58 in the morning.

I just got home from the city; it was an awesome weekend - the weather was crap on Friday, but once succumbing to just being wet and cold, it was fun. Today was gorgeous; I went for a run in Central Park. The concert went really well; I had a blast and we got a standing ovation. I went out to play darts with some friends; surprise, surprise, I stink at darts. I had a good time watching though, and that's what counts, I suppose.

I almost got my tattoo last night in the Village; I picked out the font and everything. But then I remembered that I'm petrified of needles, and I couldn't go through with it. (Don't make fun of me; the sound of tattoos is a cross between a dentist's drill and a sewing maching and the thought of that contraption going into your skin is freaky.) But, I just need to talk myself into it a little more and I'll be ready.

But best of all? It's 5am and I'm not asleep yet and I don't feel guilty.

It's pretty awesome to feel free like that; it's been a while.

So, here we go, another year and another summer...

I'm kind of disappointed in myself.

Yesterday was the last day to receive any kind of refund from Coeur d'Alene if I was to drop out. I found that out at 10:30 at night and had to make a decision within the next 90 minutes.

And so I filled out the withdrawal form and I'm no longer doing the race.

I took on more than I could handle this year. And none of it is any fun anymore.

I do want to do another IronMan.

But I want to do one well, when I'm committed to it, and not just because I feel obligated. And really, it's dangerous to try to do something like an IronMan when you're not properly trained.

And I know everyone who does a race like that as an age grouper has serious time constraints, but with school, auditions, competitions, bike and build, and working enough to survive in the Northeast...I just couldn't train adequately. I'm lucky I got through the semester at school, quite honestly - there was a time when I truly thought I would fail a class.

And every once in a while I realize I'm NOT superwoman, but I am really freaking stubborn...so I guess somewhere I'm a little proud that I was able to admit I was in over my head.

I'm really bummed to not be there with everyone else who is doing the race.

But, I'm kind of relieved to have made a decision.

The summer is still going to be great - I'm still biking across the country and building houses; that should be enough for one summer.

So why do I still feel like I let myself and everyone else down?!?

Wall to Wall Bach

On Saturday, I'm playing in Wall to Wall Bach - the 30th anniversary celebration of Symphony Space, a concert hall located on 95th and Broadway.

I'm playing with the Artemis Chamber Ensemble in the performance of the Magnificat, and after last night's rehearsal, I can say for sure that it's going to be worth attending. We're scheduled to go on at 6:15, and the admission is free. There are a lot of other exciting performances throughout the day, so if you're a Bach fan (or even if not and you're just curious) and are in the NY area, you should come check some of it out.

I'm heading to a choral concert at Riverside Church at 8, so I can't hang out immediately after the performance (unless you want to come to that too - I have access to a bunch of free tickets), but around 10 I'm going to head further downtown and hang out at some jazz clubs - anyone is welcome to come along.

I've already convinced Dying Water Buffalo to join for the evening, so it's guaranteed fun...

The rehearsal was a blast; the concertmaster was especially inspiring - he knew exactly how to lead the group both musically and personally. But moreover, it was just awesome to be playing in a non-school environment with some really talented musicians. I'm lucky to be a part.

Pumping Up the Mountains, Screaming Down the Descents

Today, I crossed the $4,000 mark of my Bike and Build fund-raising, and I officially have raised enough to go on the trip.

Thank you to all of you who donated monetarily, or by supporting my decision to do this, or even by just keeping your mouth shut with the 'you've taken on more than you can handle' comments.

Of course, just because I've passed the minimum fund-raising amount doesn't mean the money won't still go to a good cause, so if you're interested in helping, it's still possible and would be much appreciated.

I can't wait to spend the summer seeing the country from the bike-seat vantage point, learning how to build homes, and helping regrow the area of the country that I'm lucky enough to call home.

June 11 is take-off day; I'd say I can't wait, but I can...the perfect summer has already started.

Happy

I haven't been posting here as much; I'm not really sure why.

But it's kind of weird...I'm happy. I don't know that I've been able to truly say that in way too long, and now that I can - for some reason it makes me more sedated, and that leads to less angst, which in turn leads to less writing.

Things are good; the school year has finished and I somehow managed to pull my way through. I'm taking an audition that I should be totally nervous about, but I'm not. I'm kind of excited, and I'm almost enjoying the preparation process.

And the biking...I am nervous about that. I'm actually not as nervous about the physical aspect as of the social. Throwing yourself into a new group of people is always hard at first...

And I'm totally freaked about the Ironman. But I'm also excited and regardless of the outcome, I know it'll be another worthwhile adventure.

But I guess the biggest aspect of it all is that I've been enjoying the company of someone new. I've been afraid to jinx myself by mentioning it. The relative ease of it is totally frightening; but more than that, it's been awesome, and I'm just...happy.

Maybe the Most Entertaining Email I've Ever Received

subject: ????

Where the hell do you come up with these thoughts? Is it a gift? A curse? I just can’t believe what you write sometimes… I just don’t understand where it comes from. Don’t get me wrong, makes for great reading, but poor you for having to live with it on a daily basis!

Maybe you’re living life with a narrator like the Will Ferrell movie…

Have a great weekend!

[from a friend I met at a race last year]

Oh, God.

I knew about Twitter before...but I guess I didn't know about Twitter.

Damn, it's addicting. I come up with these one liners and I feel I have to share, and reading what other people have to say is hilarious.

Because, really - I definitely need another method of procrastination; my usual methods of endless web surfing, blog reading, and facebook stalking just don't cut it. I mean, I turned my paper in at 4:58 on Monday afternoon, and it wasn't due until 5:00. I could have waited another two whole minutes before I started.

And think about how much I could have tweeted during those two minutes. It's mind-boggling, I know.

Anyway, unless this fascination dies off quickly, there will be a (new! improved!) section on the page to your right. The feed will also be available via my Twitter page, of course. Enjoy. It'll be tons of fun, guaranteed.

Ok, so it's very possible I was sick.

My nose is running all over the place, and I'm sneezing about 3 times a minute.

I'm now remembering that on Friday my throat hurt, but I attributed it to California dry air. And then on race day, I felt really lightheaded and dizzy, but I thought that was because I was nervous about the race. And then the day after, my chest hurt a lot - my description was 'I feel like someone bounced a basketball on my chest' - but I thought that was because I had just done a really hard Half IronMan. And then last night on the plane, my nose started to run and my ears were popping in that really painful way that makes you think you've punctured your eardrum, and I was actually still in denial - I thought it was just because planes are gross and I always feel sick on them.

But now? I definitely have a head cold. So, it's possible that my horrendous race performance was partially because of the oncoming sickness. It's also possible that I was fine beforehand and I stressed my body out so much during the trip that I got a cold.

I guess it doesn't matter either way, and perhaps all this is a thinly veiled manner of complaining about my cold. Regardless, my run was a 3+ hour death march which I will never repeat.

The good news? It's SUMMER!! I finished my paper today, sent it on its electronic journey, and I'm officially done. I have a couple more flute lessons, but that's not school. I do have one optional paper (my grade will be a B if I don't do it, and an A if I do), and since it's only a 5 page paper, I should probably suck it up and pound out another paper. I have a few more days though, so I'm not going to worry about it as of yet. For now, I'm going to enjoy the fact that all of my official non-negotiable obligations are done and I'm free.

Here are the pictures I took over the weekend in slide-show format. I'll post some of them individually with explanations over the next few days, but I thought the bunch of them together tell the whole story better than the few lone ones would. I also included the pictures Rainmaker took on the course and was nice enough to send my way. He caught me at the end of the run after the final uphill - I had one mile of downhill left, so when I saw him I started to actually run/jog/not trudge. Don't pay attention to the finishing time on those pictures. I was really slow, but the clock is race time, not my wave time. I know it doesn't matter, but the little Scorpio competitive streak in me is kind of embarrassed.

And yeah, there's chocolate ice cream all over my face and shirt in the post race picture. Typical.

"I'd sooner eat crap out of the porta potty..."

That was my response to the suggestion of repeating yesterday's long course at Wildflower to create an IronMan race.

Okay, so I had fun. I'm glad I did the thing. I guess. But I swear, if I EVER say I'm signing up for that race again, just PLEASE tell me I'm an idiot and I'm out of my mind and then slap me across the face.

That being said, I plan on going back next year. Even though the course is ridiculous, I absolutely love the atmosphere, and I want to continue to go out there every year. So, I'll do the Olympic race (that was fun last year)...and hopefully do the relay in the Long Course (we want to put together some blogger teams; anybody game?!?). I'll do the swim or the bike but I'll be damned if I ever do that run course again.

I don't know how I ran the thing 2 years ago at a 10:-- pace...because yesterday I was lucky if I was doing a 16:-- pace. I walked almost the entire thing. It wasn't even my leg muscles. Yeah, those hurt, but that kind of pain is conquerable.

Not being able to walk straight, puking, having to sit down in the middle of the road, leaning against the aid station because I feel like I'm going to pass out...those things are NOT part of an acceptable race experience.

And the thing is - I wasn't exaggerating or creating drama or anything; my body was just completely rebelling. It was doing all the same things that happened in Chicago. My stomach just stopped digesting so I was swelling up and not getting any nutrients or water down, I couldn't get my heart rate out of the high 180s, and and just generally wanted to lie down.

The good part is that I recognized it this time and listened to my body and didn't end up in an ambulance with an IV and a psycho nurse saying she was going to stick a thermometer up my butt (I didn't let her, by the way).

Instead, I walked. Slowly. I got passed by so many people, I started to wonder if it was possible there was anyone behind me anymore. And like I said, I had to stop sometimes...it was the worst 13.1 miles I've ever even considered.

But, I finished (there were definitely moments of 'What the hell? I'm just hurting myself right now. I need to just stop.'), and I'm glad I was out there, even if I did get sunburned AGAIN (and I used 50 SPF!). Ridiculous looking tan lines seem to be the theme for the year...

And, even though the run/walk/trudge/misery didn't go my way, I actually had a decent race up until that point. I finished the swim 4 minutes faster than I had in 2006, without even really trying at all (my swim time was 40:40 by my watch), the transitions were efficient, and my bike time was 10 minutes faster than before (I broke 4 hours! I think it was 3:58 or so).

I know neither of those times are particularly impressive, but that course is HARD, and I'm definitely under-trained. I've swam maybe 4 times in the past month (3 or which were this past week), I've biked tons and tons of miles, but I haven't done any speed work, and I've only been running maybe 10 miles a week (okay, yeah - so that COULD have had something to do with my crash and burn out on the course).

So, I'm not fast, but I'm getting stronger. And one of these days I'd like to do a Half IronMan that is flat, so I can see what I'm actually capable of on a reasonable-ish course.

Yesterday, I definitely got scared about Coeur d'Alene; I NEVER would have been able to do twice the distance. But, I still have six weeks to train, and I'm willing to bet it's an easier run course, at the very least. That Wildflower run is a freaking trek up a mountain; it's just insane.

And so now we're getting ready to head back to LA to hang out with the Kahuna, Robo-Stu, and IronMonica for the day. I have tons of great pictures, but I brought the wrong camera cord, so they'll have to wait until I get home tomorrow to be posted.

All in all, a nice weekend, and I promise not to complain about the run anymore.

Leaving, on a jet plane...

I'm on an airplane, about to head towards Wildflower. I have about 2 inches between my legs and the seat in front of me, the person next to me is larger than your average bear, and I forgot my book...and 7 hours is a hell of a long time to sit even with ideal circumstances. But you know, I'm going to my favorite race of the year and getting to see some of my best friends...so, I'm smiling in contentment, even if I am a canned sardine at the moment. I'll use the forced stationary time to finish up my last paper of the year, and it'll officially be summer.