Procrastination

You know that t-shirt that says "Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow"?

Yeah, well...right now, I definitely qualify.

Because, I'm not even procrastinating anymore; I'm just wasting time.

I have 2 papers and 1 presentation left to finish up the semester and I can't get myself to do anything productive. I should at least wash my dishes or fold my laundry if I'm not going to do my school work.

I did give 2 presentations today though, so progress has been made. I think both went alright, although public speaking is far from my forte. I'd much rather write. When I talk, I get insanely nervous and make the people listening edgy and then when I'm asked questions it's like my brain is a sieve and I no longer have any knowledge whatsoever.

I'm very jealous of people who can just talk and sound like they know what they're doing. Maybe it's that they do know what they're doing and so much of the time I feel like I'm just pretending.

But, in 3 days I'll be in California and free as a bird. Completely under-prepared for a ridiculously hard Half IronMan, but free nonetheless...I can't wait.

And on that topic - who all is going to be at Wildflower this year? I'd love to see as many of you as possible. I'll be there from Friday mid-day until Sunday morning. I would have liked to stay for the Olympic race, but I have to get back to the Northeast for Monday. So anyway, let me know if you're going to be around and if and when you'd want to meet up.

Okay, I'm going to start writing one of the papers. It's just the screen looks so blank and all I have down is my name at the top of the page. But, if I just do it now, I can enjoy tomorrow and not panic come class-time on Wednesday. So, I'm going to try...again...someone needs to disable my internet and then maybe I could actually get something done. (Yeah, that's right...passing the blame onto something else besides my complete inability to concentrate...)

There are hippies at Rutgers!

A band playing at Tent State...they were really good.

Spring Inventions

This was the coolest thing I saw all night. He had set up his screen through the window so that he could sit outside and use the computer.

Cousins with Bacon Bandaids

This was last weekend at my Grandmother's 81st birthday. Two of my cousins had matching blisters in their feet, and they put on some band-aids in the shape of bacon. It was hilarious, but also really disgusting.

The Same Tree, a couple weeks later

I still haven't gotten a chance to go out with my good camera, so this is just another phone picture...but I thought it was cool how different this tree looks from week to week. I guess the flowers will fall off completely sometime soon, but for now, the pink is gorgeous.

Perfectly Flawed

Well, my recital is over and done with.

I had fun. There were so many mistakes, it got to be hilarious. At one point, I put the wrong pages out and proceeded to try to play from memory until I had a chance to fix the music.

But, it was really great to play with so many of my friends, and I just enjoyed the whole process of putting together a chamber recital.

And, I had a pretty good turnout of friends and family and random others - I really like playing for people.

The biggest mistake I made was playing way too much beforehand. Each one of my groups met to touch things up, and so by the time my recital came around, I had already played for 4 or so hours. My recital ended up being way too long (an hour and 40 minutes)and I was just completely wasted mentally and physically by the end - more so than necessary.

Anyway, click here and you can download and listen to the whole thing, missed entrances, out of tune notes, and everything.

Scenes from a Sunday Morning Run

It was a crappy run, from any training standpoint. My heart rate was skyrocketing for no reason, I was slow, the weather was overcast, chilly, and drizzling, and I even walked up a hill.

But, it was still a great run. I might have felt like crud, but I noticed so many things around me that I never would have seen had I been able to concentrate on running well.

The homeless man in the park, sleeping on a bench...a policeman standing over him, talking quietly, presumably telling him to leave...

And of course everyone thinks this, but sometimes it just slaps you in the face - Aren't we lucky? And for what reason? Why do I have a house and why does that man have to sleep in the park? Maybe there are tangible reasons...but maybe there aren't...

And the boy in the fraternity, walking out of his house just as I ran by. He just stood over the porch railing, looking out. I didn't make eye contact.

The groundhog that looked up as I ran by and then scurried under the nearest house. Groundhogs always make me smile...they're just so silly looking.

And the two girls on the track team, walking together in uniform...on their way to a meet?

The collection of tents next to the student center. Have you heard of Tent State? I'm guessing that's what this was...a bunch of students living in tents and creating their own college environment to promote higher learning and peace. I didn't even know Rutgers had one, and I just read that it actually originated here...

Then running by the Starbucks downtown...it's a Sunday morning - of course there are people sitting in Starbucks - but for some reason the view of them sitting in the window with their newspapers was just another startling example of the many alternate universes exist within every college, neighborhood, and city.

And lastly, coming back to my apartment and seeing my reflection as I was getting water. This is me; this is my version of our world.

Breadbowls and Iced Tea Outside - It's Really Spring!

Reminiscent of a Past Life

The last orchestra concert of the year is on Friday night, and this week our guest conductor finally arrived. He just finished as the assistant conductor in Cleveland; he was there during my last year in Cleveland, but that was when I hardly ever went to the orchestra, so I don't remember him at all.

He's a wonderful conductor and playing under him was a pleasure. I won't even begin to start describing the other people we've had this year; let's just say it was great to enjoy a rehearsal again.

So, we're all sitting there - and everyone is silent and attentive (for the first time all year) - and he says 'Okay, number 73, directly.'

And all of a sudden, I swear my heart skipped a beat.

Because all the conductors associated with Cleveland say that - the Directly part. And they say it with this certain inflection...and I just hadn't heard it in years, when for so long it was something I heard almost every day.

And it brought back such a flood of emotions and memories, that it was almost like I was transported back to Cleveland and I was only 18 again.

I hardly ever think about my time there. I was a different person, it was a different life, and although I learned a lot there - in many ways, I really grew up there - it's just not a part of my consciousness anymore.

It's amazing what a certain word or phrase or smell or model of car or even color of a t-shirt can do to your thought process.

So remembering - it was good. Kind of startling, but nice all the same. I was so ready to leave by the time I moved to New Jersey that it's all too easy to think that everything associated with Cleveland was just 'bad'.

It wasn't. Sometimes I almost miss it. For now, though - I'm content with where I am and starting 'Directly' from here.

Holy. Wind.

I had a blast last weekend. I didn't take any pictures because the first day I forgot my camera and the second day I just wasn't in the habit of using the damn thing.

But, you can check out Greyhound's blog for some nice pictures of the scenery and me with the Greyhound crew. He's talented with his little camera; they turned out really well. Here's my favorite (yes, I stole it from him without asking):
(I need a new traveling camera - any suggestions? I HATE the delay most small digital cameras have, so I want one like my digital SLR, but tiny so that I can bike with it this summer...is that possible?)

The ride was pretty and very well organized, but really freaking hilly. I swear the entire ride from Houston to Austin is uphill. Really.

And the wind? Yeah, it doesn't even require any description or curse words because I used so many of them this weekend. 30mph winds IN YOUR FACE for 160 miles...and if they weren't in your face for like half a second? They were crosswinds and you had to hold onto the bike for dear life so that you didn't get swept into the 20,000 other riders around you. We rode 114 miles in this self-inflicted hell, which was my longest ride ever by a whole 2 miles. By the time we got off the bikes, the wind had worn me down to the point of deliriousness - but somehow, it was still fun. I ate a lot (see Greyhound's pics for proof) and then fell asleep in like .3 seconds on Saturday night (in the nicest hotel I've ever been in, by the way).

Sunday we rode the last 50 or so miles (and the winds were a little better, but still not calm, by any means) - it was the first time I've ever crossed a finish line on a bike; I kind of liked it. And after we finished, we ate and drank even more with Little Miss Runner Pants, Miss Greyhound and SuperPounce, and my Lafayette friends who now live in Austin were nice enough to stop by. (Note to the wise: you get drunk very quickly after riding 160 miles over 2 days; 2 beers was more than enough to make me stumble.) Then, we headed back to Houston so I could catch my plane...

And now I'm back in NJ, sunburned lips and tanlines intact. I'm going to have to figure out a new dress for my recital because the farmer's tan on my arms just isn't going to cut it with the previously planned sleeveless variety.

Tanline

Turning Over a New Leaf. I Promise.

Missing Jack

Another camera-phone picture taken on my walk to school. Seeing the red trailer reminded me of the PAC tour, and for a second I thought Lon or Susan would be right around the corner. I instantly wished I was 'On the Road', riding my bike through the mountains, thinking about nothing besides my surroundings and keeping an eye out for those yellow cones that signaled the SAG wagon with the next chance for food. I never found out why this trailer was really in front of the church; I didn't want to know.

Glitter

This is just a picture taken with my phone, but when I was walking to school and saw the first blossoms of Spring, I just had to capture it somehow. I hope to go back and take pictures with my real camera when I get back to New Jersey next week. The beginnings of Spring always remind me of the first snow of Winter - both so beautiful, glittering and shimmering, daring you to look away.

When I tell people what I'm doing this weekend, I say he's one of my best friends...

I've only met him a handful of times; he's married with a kid, and I mostly know him through his blog.

Yet, I still consider him one of the best people I know.

He's been more than ridiculously generous with me, for no other reason than because he wants to...but more than that, he always knows when to comment and when to shut the fuck up and he's always supportive, no matter how outlandish and stupid my thought process.

This weekend, I get to see him and his family again. I'm so excited to get on my bike again (hell, I'm excited to see my bike again...it's been in transit since I was in Arizona), and I'm ecstatic to get to spend time with him, hopefully meet up with AJ from the world famous 'Little Miss Runner Pants', and even maybe get to visit with some of the posse members (my friends from when I was growing up; more about that another time).

We're riding the MS150 from Houston to Austin. (Why do they call it a 150 when it's actually 170 miles? Hmph.)

His wife has multiple sclerosis, and when he asked me if I wanted to ride for her, I was honored to have the chance to help. I don't have a lot of money to donate, but I do want to put the word out there. I know there are SO many worthy causes, and I can promise you'll get multiple requests for help (even from me) for lots of equally important issues over the months to come.

But there are people out there who are looking for a charity; they want to help and don't exactly know how. To them, I say...check this out. Look at Greyhound's latest posts. They're powerful and emotional and altogether uncomfortable. But they're true.

Greyhound wants to raise $10,000 to put towards MS research. This is not me raising money. This is me helping a friend who has done more for me than I can possibly describe. So, writing this little post, riding a bike 170 miles (which is hardly a sacrifice), and dedicating my recital to him and his family are the least I can do.

Again, just look at his website, and then if you can...donate.

It's 'cause I go to music school...

And 90% of the population is Asian, namely of the Korean persuasion.

They're all really nice and I have absolutely nothing against them.

But they're really. REALLY. small.

Like 80-90 pounds small.

I swear I could eat them for lunch. And it would be a light lunch.

So an American who struggles to keep her weight below 130?

Definitely feels like some kind of mutant strain of abnormally large beast when sitting next to them in rehearsals.

So, no worries - I'm not completely out of touch with reality, and I am completely fine with the way I look (most of the time), but then when you're surrounded by teeny tiny people, it can be easy to forget what 'normal' is.

But enough of that. I've got to go practice for my recital. 1.5 weeks.

(Monday, April 21, at 6 PM at 81 George St. in New Brunswick, NJ for the 1 or 2 of you I haven't managed to invite yet.)

Oh Yeah, Cause You're SOOO Fat.

I've gained some 5-7 pounds this winter. And I mean, I know I haven't been exactly 100% on my IronMan training, but it's not like I'm inactive. I still do way more than the average bear...

And so, I guess it's frustrating.

Partly because I care what I look like, but also because I just feel gross - both physically and mentally.

It's really interesting how your mind fixates on everything that creates insecurity. When I'm a little thinner, first of all it's never enough - I always want a few more pounds off, just 'cause...and then also, I never really notice anyone around me as being smaller or bigger. I definitely don't look at people and think 'Hey, I look better than you.' But right now? It seems like every. single. girl. is tiny...and I'm huge.

I'm not huge, I know this. I'm a size 4-6, and that is not big. But in comparison to the idiot stick figures that seem to abound when that's all my eyes are letting me see? I'm a freaking giant. Big bones and all.

And it's kind of silly, but I really want it off for my recital in 2 weeks, but it doesn't look like it's going to be possible. My metabolism seems to have taken an extended vacation.

Anyway, I guess I mentioned something about feeling fat a couple days ago in the hallway at school...and this guy said, kind of under his breath 'Oh yeah, 'cause you're SOO fat.'

And that made me realize that I was being a sort-of idiot. It's not idiotic to care what the scale says (especially from someone who used to be about 30 pounds heavier), but it is idiotic to obsess about it, and to refuse to see what the rest of the world sees.

The pictures from my recital might not look like last years', but they're still me...and plus or minus that 7 pounds, there's nothing really wrong with that.

Something is different.

There has always been someone.

Someone that consumes my thoughts; someone that I want to please; someone with whom I want to spend my time.

And I realized yesterday...that for the first time...the someone doesn't exist.

It feels great; it's a sense of freedom I haven't felt anytime I remember.

I'm not saying I don't need people - I do. I need friends and confidants and yes, a man would be nice.

But right now, being by myself is enough.

I never used to like watching movies by myself - whether in the theater or at home. Somehow, it just felt empty. But last night? All I wanted was to sit at home with a book and a movie. By myself.

I have trouble having fun or enjoying myself when other people around me aren't happy. I always feel some kind of need to make everything right for others, and I forget about figuring out what it is that I want. It's not some kind of altruistic selflessness (in fact it could be exactly the opposite - I want people to be happy, but is it only so that I too can be happy?)...it's called co-dependency and it's kind of pathetic. I don't want to have to rely on the happiness of someone else in order to smile myself. I shouldn't have to. Yes, of course I want the people I care about to do well, but it shouldn't determine my own mood.

When I was at a party recently and I knew one of the people I was with just didn't want to be there - surly looks, rolling of the eyes, sitting in the corner, pointed comments, refusal to eat or drink anything - I would normally have left the party with her and gone to a bar downtown, just because I wanted her to have fun. But this time I didn't. I liked being where I was and I didn't want to leave, and I let her go home instead. Maybe I could have been a better friend, but actually...I'm beginning to think I serve other people better when I'm not continually trying to figure out and do what they want. It creates a vacuum where I used to be.

I was proud that I was able to just stay...and moreover, I was proud that I was able to continue having a good time and not obsess about whether or not she was mad at me or what she was upset about or whatever else.

So, I don't know how or why it happened, but...something is different. And I think it's awesome.

My idea of perfect.

I just love that smell.

The one of hot rain hitting the pavement.

For me, more than anything else, that smell is what signifies the end of Winter and the start of Spring.

You can only smell it in the Spring and Summer. Maybe the sidewalk has to be a certain temperature, or maybe there just has to be a special chemistry in the air...but it's just not something that happens in the Fall. Autumn - Crunching leaves underfoot and a special briskness, definitely...but not that smell.

It's so distinctive; it always stops me in my tracks and I can't help but smile. It makes me feel like I'm still a kid and am about to go racing down the street to the ice cream truck. I remember being at camp one summer and noticing it and feeling slightly homesick, but then immediately comforted...all by a smell.

And I think my version of heaven would be that smell.

Sitting on a covered porch in the early Summer, watching the light mist of rain, eating watermelon with a good book in hand, maybe some Bach playing softly in the background...

and that smell.

Fear and Fascination

Ever since seeing these pictures, I've been thinking about how those two feelings are intertwined.

I am really, sincerely, 100% afraid of dying. I've convinced myself that I won't, that before my time comes 'they'll' have figured out some way to avoid it. Yes, I would want to live forever.

I really didn't want to look at the pictures, but I couldn't stop myself. And then I did more than just look...I actually studied them - the befores and afters and the imaginary inbetweens.

I most identify with Gerda, who is to me by far the most distressing, yet at the same time, most honest.

And so what is it that makes me stare at these pictures, that makes me want to understand each and every one of them, that wonders why so many of them are women, that finds them so incredibly beautiful yet also can't-sleep-scary?

I don't know the answers, but the questions make me understand that the duality of the emotions can't possibly be unique to this set of photographs. Of course the two coexist in other realms of life and art.

So, what else? What other aspects of our existences are motivated by fear? Are we simply obsessed with being afraid? And, is it okay? So what if we're driven by what scares us? Maybe that's the way we'll conquer it all in the end...?

Fucking Funny.

(if by any chance you haven't seen the original, here it is)

Yeah, yeah.

I thought about not posting today (because it's 5:24 and if I don't do it in the next 10 minutes, I won't have a chance all day) and leaving you to wonder if the last post was actually an April Fool's joke or not...

But, I guess I'm not that mean.

So yes, it was just a joke.

Although, I've got to say - it was pretty damn liberating to write, even if it doesn't change anything.

Summer - 6 weeks and counting.

I did it.

I dropped out of school.

I know I said no rash decisions, but after 4 hours of pointless rehearsals, and realizing how impossible it's going to be to catch up in my classes, I decided to withdrawal.

I'll take the rest of this year and all of next year off...

I'll ride my bike everywhere, and figure out what works for me.

And I'll bring my flute, but I'll only play it when I want to.

Cause the one thing I know for sure?

School isn't what I want, and I can't keep pretending otherwise.

Maybe after some time to myself, I'll want to be back here...but for now...I'm following in good ole' Jack Kerouac's footsteps and heading on the road.

I'm sure you all kind of knew this was coming anyhow.  I only wish I had realized that I had to this earlier...