Removing the Stick

I did a few outreach gigs this week as part of the Symphony in C (formerly The Haddonfield Symphony), and I'm going to now admit that I could have been wrong about something.

I had a really good time meeting some other musicians my age who weren't in school with me.

So maybe all those comments about things being different in the 'real world' are true after-all.

They weren't as snobby as I would have expected, and to be honest...it was really nice to be able to talk about music and being a musician with people who actually understood. I didn't feel like the oddball idiot who was going into an impossible field. I didn't feel old.

And, we didn't just succumb to the music-nerd conversation the entire time. They were actually intelligent people who did more than simply play their instruments. I don't know why it was shocking; maybe it was me who had to remove-stick-from-ass.

Granted, I doubt these kids know how to have fun half as well as the 20 year old runners I've been spending time with do. But...I had a really good time playing with some excellent musicians and remembering that my kin aren't so bad in the end.

And moreover, it gave me some hope for what's to come. It is possible to make a living being a musician, and it's also possible to be happy doing it. A novel concept, and one I'm going to attempt to hold on to for as long as I can.

I won't be surprised if my GPA suffers.

"I'm am pretty sure that Susanna was taking good notes in her iphone about how a baroque continuo player may choose to leave out certain notes in their realizations while accompanying a traverso."

"Susanna's head weighs heavy at the thought of all the options of Bach editions she can research to get as close to an autograph as possible."


"The options seem endless..."


"If she closes her eyes, she can picture Handel's Renaldo as if it were happening right here in the room."


--from a friend's Facebook album

[Here's to hoping that my professor neither reads my blog nor has a Facebook account.]

Also because I really need to do laundry...

I received my Bike and Build sweatshirt in the mail on Monday, and (with the exception of yesterday when I tried to will away winter) I've been wearing it ever since...because it's really freaking comfortable. And because I look SO good in gray.

I'm getting increasingly excited about this trip with every passing moment. June 11 is take off day! So far, I've raised about $2,400 of the $4,000 I pledged. If you have a couple minutes and a couple dollars, please donate. Every little bit helps.

Yeah, yeah.

I know, the widget is already gone. I couldn't handle the chat thing--not because it was annoying to hear from people, but because it was just too much for my psychosis in some sort of weird way.

I like the concept, the potential...but in actuality, it just doesn't work for me.

Somehow that sounds familiar. At least on websites, I can recognize the failure early on, stick to it, and not drag things out for months upon useless months while seeing only the good and refusing to recognize the bad.

Nice, comparing relationships to widgets. Gotta love what this society has brought, right?

I'm done with winter; I'm wearing a skirt.

Disclaimer #87

Look to your right.

Yes, that's right...I added Google's new chat widget. For those of you who have tried to instant message me in the past, you know I'm not the best at responding.

As the heading says, it's not because I don't like you.

It's because I'm doing much more important things (sleeping, picking my nose, etc)...or I'm talking to someone else...or I just don't want to talk.

So this is kind of just an experiment. It might be cool to hear from some people with whom I wouldn't otherwise be able to communicate...or it might just be really annoying.

So, you know...we'll see...in the meantime, feel free to write to me. Even if I'm not around, it's always fun to come back to the little blinking messages.

And this is why someone from Louisiana really shouldn't ski...

And this is why you are never friends with musicians...

I've been a big ball of negative energy lately, and I'm sorry for it.

It's just that I was back-stabbed by someone at school. And no matter how many times it happens and I tell myself to never again trust or befriend a musician, it never ceases to shock me.

And it really freaking hurts.

Lashing Out

You know when you're upset with someone, but it's with someone and about something that just isn't discussable?

And so you are talking to someone, someone with whom you can talk things over...and you end up lashing out at that person about something completely unrelated for no reason other than that you're pissed overall.

And immediately afterwards you feel a sense of relief, because you were able to excise the nasty feelings that had been trapped inside your chest.

But then...then the relief dissipates and you feel even worse. You feel horrible because you exploded at someone who completely doesn't deserve it, most likely the person who most doesn't deserve it.

And you feel altogether disgusting because you're still upset with that original person...that person with which there is still no possibility of communication.

Yeah, so when that happens?

I don't like it very much.

Conquering Her

I thought she was gone.

The nonathletic, chubby kid who sits in the corner while everyone else runs around playing tag, the one who doesn't play volleyball in PE, and the one who couldn't run around the track once to save her life.

I thought I had effectively scared her away, and replaced her with someone much more inclined to the healthy norm, maybe even someone people might call strong.

But today the old me came back.

I went skiing; I don't know how to ski. I'd been once before, in North Carolina when I was 15. And honestly, I don't even remember it. I think I may have made it down the mountain once on that trip.

And so today, the ski lifts were scary; I was uncoordinated. I fell--a lot. I got better, but then I stopped getting better and I got pissed.

I got pissed that I'm just not naturally inclined towards skiing or water skiing or roller blading or dancing or gymnastics. And yes, I know there are plenty of other things at which I'm better than most.

But today was just an ugly reminder. A reminder that it took me a month to successfully learn how to clip in and out of my bike and a reminder that I still have trouble getting started on a hill. Just a reminder of all the things that, for whatever reason, I can't do easily.

That doesn't mean I can't do them at all; I just have to work harder. I have to stay on the Green Slopes for longer than other people, and unless I dedicate myself to it (like I have with running and triathlon), I'm just never going to be all that great.

And all those kids simply zipping around me...I felt like a foreigner who had just stepped off the boat and didn't speak a word of the native language.

And then for the last hour or so I sat in front of the fire in the lodge, where I had too much time to stew. I got sad and mad and then sad again (for different reasons) and I wished I hadn't had the time to just sit and think.

Because, you can fool yourself into thinking everything is going well, but then all of a sudden you realize it's actually not...and (despite the truth involved) you kind of wish you had never had the realization, because at least before you were having fun.

But you know, on an every day basis, I have conquered her. I am someone different. For God's sake, I'm biking across the country this summer. Oh, and yeah...an IronMan in the midst of it all.

So what if I can't ski?

I am who I am, and that should be more than enough for whomever is lucky enough to treat me well.

W. Somerset Maugham

"Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit."

When was the last time you bought an actual CD?

Most people just don't bother anymore.

I mean, you've got limewire and seeqpod and pandora radio and MP3s and ITunes and Ipods and IPhones...and so there just isn't much of a need nowadays.

But for those of us stuck in the realm of Classical Music, the options are a bit more limited. ITunes has a pathetic selection, and Naxos may give a bit of everything, but most of the performances are second rate.

So, a couple of days ago, I found myself ordering some CDs. You know, the things that come in a case and have a disc-type format...

And today they arrived in the mail; 20 frustrating minutes of attempting to tear off the plastic and sticky mess that covers the damn things, and I'm now ready to listen to the music that I'm playing on my recital.

The discs are cumbersome; you can bet I'm going to immediately burn them to my computer and phone...but I've gotta admit, (though it might be just simple nostalgia) getting the actual CDs and looking through the leaflets was kind of fun.

How bad is eating candy bars for workout nutrition?

I'm talking about the miniature ones; you know, Halloween candy...

Is there anything wrong with eating one right before Spinning because I didn't have time for breakfast but needed some calories to get through the workout? And then, yeah...another one before my run.

I know there are more intelligent things to consume.

But, candy bars taste good. They don't make me gag like Gu and they don't upset my stomach like Accelerade. They're easily portable. They have some fat, but also sugar and caffeine in the chocolate and some (like Snickers) even have protein.

So, is there anything really wrong with it? If it works for me, is it okay?

Yesterday my professor yelled at me.

And I'm still obsessing. I even freaking dreamed about it.

I skipped class so that I could practice. Only because I had a lesson RIGHT after class. And I only had a lesson right after class because another flutist had to switch with me for this week.

And yeah, I had missed the class a couple of other times, but for legitimate reasons, and I had told the guy ahead of time.

So it's not like I'm a bad kid. Sometimes you just have to make choices. And I choose to make sure I had a productive lesson rather rather than learn about the supernatural in German Romantic Opera.

I suppose it didn't help that I ran into the professor right after class ended, on my way up from the practice rooms. Bad form on my part. I should have practiced at home and then stealthily sneaked into the building for my lesson.

Ugh.

I just hate getting chastised. I get really defensive and indignant and I definitely dig myself in deeper instead of at all helping my case...until the Southern Belle manners kick in, and then I start with the 'Yessir, Ok sir, Whatever you say, sir'.

I'm such a melting pot of the Southern demure and Northern aggression; I wish I could choose which one I used in any certain situation. If nothing else is, that part seems to be inherently 'me'-- all emotion and absolutely zero logistical intelligence.

Regardless, I'm going to go practice now. And I'm not skipping class to do it. And later? I might actually do the reading for the stupid class, so when it meets on again Thursday morning I'll be ready to defend my 4.0...or at least not get yelled at again...

T - :45

I just did my 1000 meter swimming time trial. Two weeks ago, I came in at 19:59. This time I did it in 19:14.

That's all great, and I was pretty happy with that improvement after only two weeks and admittedly skipping a couple of key swimming workouts (but those are the only workouts I've missed!!), but... I just realized that now I have to do my everyday intervals faster-- 5 seconds per 100 meters faster.

What kind of dumbass does that to herself?!?

When you feel like you're flying...

Last night I taught a spinning class and then went running with a friend. At first I thought there was no way in hell I was going to be able to make it through the 4-5 miles. My calves were tight, my ankles burned, I was hungry and tired, and it was freaking Valentine's Day. Why was I out in the cold at 9:00 at night, running through ice??

And then about 2 miles in, something happened. An 8:30 pace felt easy; my legs loosened up. We sped up, and I was the one pushing the pace. And he's a tall guy; you know, one with long legs and stuff.

We made it back to the fitness center after 5 miles, and decided to keep going. It was only an extra mile, but that 6th mile made me feel invincible. We kept getting faster and faster until I sprinted back to the gym after dropping him off at his car.

I left the gym glowing, ready for the next day and the day after... for the first time in a while, I wasn't worrying about anything and was just content to drive in silence and make dinner by myself and fall asleep relatively early with no plans on the horizon.

It was the perfect Valentine's Day.

And on a Lighter Note...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Lots of love to you and yours-- not just today, but everyday.

I must have glanced away.

'Hey. Are you okay?'

'Yeah, of course. Why?'

'Oh, no reason.'

We were out at a bar, had just played a bunch of rounds of foosball, choosen $5 worth of songs on the jukebox, and there was a light banter in the conversation that had made for a fun couple of hours.

We continued to talk about what would happen if everyone said exactly what was on their minds at all times, how that would lead to people thinking about things they normally wouldn't, and how oatmeal is really good. You know, all the cheesy things that you talk about after two beers on a kind-of date, kind-of not-date. All the things that seem so witty and intelligent at the time, but about which people overhearing would probably roll their eyes irretrievably into the back of their heads.

And then I suppose there was a slight pause.

'Hey! Are you sure you're okay?'

My response was again in the extreme affirmative. 'I'm having fun!'

'It's just that... we're having a good time and everything, but then you don't look at me for a second and there is this sadness that overcomes your face. So I just wanted to make sure you're okay.'

And to that I was silent. I feel okay; I am okay. But if this person that I barely know can see through the usual lighthearted crap, then either he's really perceptive, or I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I do a good job at convincing everyone, I think... even convincing myself. And, isn't that really all it is? I mean, once you've convinced yourself, aren't you, by definition, happy? I think so.

And so most of the time, I am happy, I am having fun, I am enjoying life and everything that it brings to me daily, and I take things for what they are and grin and smile and laugh. But then, sometimes I guess I glance away... and I don't think about anything in particular, but I hear there is a sadness.

Daring... or Desperate?

Talking to a friend today, the subject of my blog came up.

I said it came across as way too intense, and that I tried (in vain, usually) to hide it from any potential boyfriends or even friends, at least until they knew me.

He said that I was being too hard on myself, that it was daring, that I was putting myself out there.

And I am. I don't hide much. I might exaggerate, but nothing is fake. I've never been one capable of playing games. If I'm thinking something, I'm going to tell you. I'd rather things be out in the open than stuck inside my head. I hate liminality; I want things decided one way or another, no-man's-land drives me up the wall.

And I've always kind of been proud of that. And I've thought that anyone who couldn't handle it could (ahem) just go fuck themselves. Because, I'm not going to hide who I am. If they don't like me, that's their problem.

But recently, I've started thinking that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's seems like I'm desperate for someone to understand, to care. Maybe it's better to enclose yourself a bit. Maybe my inability to hide is a character flaw, perhaps even my hamartia. Afterall, how many relationships have I now screwed up just by saying a bit more than I should? Too many, that's for sure.

I show too much; I get comfortable with a person or a medium and I go too far. I'm an extremist by nature (aren't all artists?), and it carries over into my personal life. It sometimes makes me crazy, and it definitely always drives other people up and over the wall.

So, I suppose I'm going to try the 'other way' for a while. I still need this blog-world outlet, but in real life, I won't be as obvious. I'll keep what I'm thinking to myself; I won't trust people quite so easily. I'm not playing 'hard to get' (I can't do it; I've tried), but I am playing 'protect yourself against divulging too much and getting hurt by someone who doesn't care'.

And... that's a wrap, Year 7.

I just auditioned for the New World Symphony (a 3 year training orchestra for young musicians in Florida), for the 7th year in a row. I've been on the sub-list since the very first time I auditioned, back in 2002. Someone reminded me that I was 19 at the time, which makes logical sense, but considering I can't remember what 19 felt like, it somehow seems a bit... fucked up.

I left to get to the city with plenty of time to warm up for an hour or so before my audition. I didn't want to practice here beforehand because it was really early and even though I live by myself, there are other people in the house that I at least try to take into consideration... most of the time...

So, OF COURSE, a train ahead of mine derailed and caused the train I was on to be stuck for about 30 minutes. Thus, by the time I got to the audition, I had 15 minutes to warm up, and then I played. I know I shouldn't be pissed, because that sort of stuff just happens and I should have had a back up plan (like taking my flute out on the train and starting to practice there??!?). But still, I was definitely annoyed, frustrated. I've been sounding really good lately, and my excerpts are beyond prepared, so I should have been in top shape for this stupid audition. And, no one got hurt on the derailed train; I don't think it was even carrying passengers. It only existed to ruin my audition.

Although in actuality, the audition was perfectly fine. Nothing went wrong; I played well. I just didn't have a 'spark', and I'm sure I'll get the dreaded sub designation once again.

They wouldn't accept me this year anyhow, because they don't like to take people out of their degree programs. But, I was hoping that I would be a finalist this year, and perhaps get to actually go down there once or twice to play, and then NEXT YEAR, barring some sort of other, more permanent job, I might have a chance at being accepted.

Sigh.

I guess you can't really make plans like that, right? You just have to go with the flow. There's a job for me out there; I just have to keep trying and I'll find it...

I'm on my way into the city for an audition and my train is delayed.

I would say this never happens, except that it does... ALL THE TIME.

"I was just calling to tell you I really miss you."

And that's all I needed to make me smile.

Anything and Everything and Nothing

Today I did my first long brick workout for IronMan Coeur d'Alene. I biked for 3 hours and 40 minutes, and then did a quick 20 minute run off. It's coldcoldcold right now in the Garden State, so I did it all inside-- I watched a huge assortment of movies and TV shows, ranging from Scrubs to American Beauty to That's So Raven. Coach Keith has a CompuTrainer, so I was able to actually download the Coeur d'Alene race course and start to get the feel for the bike course. There are 2 semi-intense hills (that you'll hit again on the second loop for a total of 4 hills), but it's going to be absolutely nothing compared to riding up the freaking Alps in France. I know 112 miles is never easy, and the course is definitely not flat, but I'm also not overly intimidated by it, so that's a good head start.

I hate to admit this (because writing it makes it real), but I have a slight twinge in my knee that I'm a little worried about. It's only about a 2 on a 1-10 scale, but it's still there, and considering I've never had any sort of non-muscular pain, it's freaking me out a little. I'm re-devoting myself to stretching and icing and we'll see. I've been told it's probably ITB problems, which doesn't surprise me all that much.

I haven't been posting as much, and I'm not really sure why. I miss it being a part of my every day life. I'll try to put a bit more dedication into this site, despite my beyond hectic schedule during the week.

My closet exploded during a brief period of me succumbing to the trials and tribulations of being a female, and now there is a pile of clothes 2 feet deep. One of my clothes racks fell down (definitely NOT because it was attempting to support approximately 9,000 pounds of clothes); I wish I had a handyman to come to fix it.

I went into the city last night with some friends and had a great time; we almost missed the 1:41 train back, which is the last one for the night. We made it, but another 45 seconds and we would have been sleeping on the benches in Penn Station. Or, I would have been calling my grandparents at 2 in the morning to see if we could get into their apartment in the city even though they were in New Jersey for the weekend. It would have been an adventure, but I'm glad it wasn't one I had to experience. It's one of those times that I was especially grateful I have the capability to sprint through a train station (while slightly intoxicated) without puking or collapsing. Thank goodness for endurance training...

I did 16+ hours of training this last week, and I feel great. I only missed one swim and part of one run. Every single workout felt strong and in control; aside from my knee, things are going abnormally well training-wise.

I admit I've been a little bummed out lately, which probably also has something to do with my lack of posting. I'm trying to snap out of it; it's just hard because I'm so busy all the time, and so I don't have a chance to think. Then, when I do have time on the weekends, it's all of sudden way too overwhelming to deal with anything, and all too easy to collapse instead of attempting to figure things out. I tend to act and react on raw emotion rather than common sense, and I'm trying to reverse that just a bit. I don't want to be all logic and no feeling, but somehow I doubt thats a problem I'll have any time soon.

I got both carded and told I looked 16 when I was in New York. It made my night; I look like I'm in high school?!? Probably not, but it's nice to pretend. It's the pudgy cheeks that are deceiving, I think.

To Get You Out of Your Funk

Somehow it slipped through the cracks...

How did I not realize until just now that today was both Super Tuesday and Mardi Gras?

Introducing, SUPER FAT TUESDAY.

I'd love to know if the two ever coincided before...

Trainer Controversy

Biking on the trainer...

Beneficial, or time better spent elsewhere?

I seem to have conflicting advice coming at me from differing sides of the coaching spectrum.

On the 'Beneficial' side of the rainbow, we have the fact that you are getting time in the saddle, and that you are on your bike, something that Spinning can't provide. You're upping your comfort level on the bike and improving your biking muscles. Plus, trainers are good in that you have to keep turning those legs constantly... there is no 'glide' on a trainer.

But, near the 'Time Wasted' pot 'o gold, we've got the claim that aerobically, it would be better to simply up your running mileage, and wait until Spring to hit the bike. If you're in good aerobic shape, and do some weight lifting (ahem, squats), you'll be in good enough shape to get in some real biking when the weather breaks. In other words, riding on the trainer is just kind of biding your time, and you can do better things with that time...

So, coaches and coachees, what do you think? Any more advice for the unwise? I would love to be convinced either way, because right now I'm floating somewhere in no-man's middle-land, and I'm not one to tolerate that for long.

On Super Tuesday

Vote.

Vote because we have been given the right.

Vote because it CAN make a difference.

I don't care if you're Republican or Democrat or Libertarian or part of the Green Party, just vote.

Vote because people fought for women and African Americans to even have the ability. Vote because our country is a democracy and it's your duty to use that ability to it's fullest potential.

Vote because we live in a time of so much suffering and things that have gone terribly wrong, but we also live in a time more advanced than that of our ancestors. In 1920, women were given the right to vote. That means most of our Grandmothers were born in a time when women were not allowed to tell the government their opinions. In 1960, African Americans were finally allotted full suffrage.

1960. The majority of our parents grew up in a world where black people were denied the right to vote.

Now, in the United States of America, we live in a time where the only people who cannot vote are the very young, and the young who can vote are coming out in record numbers. Join the youth-- Vote.

Vote because it makes you strong and it makes you smile and the primaries ARE consequential. Don't leave it up to everyone else. Read the newspaper, make up your mind, vote. Vote for yourself and vote for your country and vote for your children and vote for anything and everything else.

Vote because it's important to care, and it's immature to pretend you don't. Vote because controversy is okay and even necessary. Vote because speaking your mind means something and keeping quiet doesn't.

Vote because I heard a 38 year old woman on the radio who made the point that she has had either a Bush or a Clinton on the Presidential ticket every single race since she was old enough to cast a ballot. That is no longer a Democracy.

Vote because we need change or because you want things to stay the same. Vote because you believe in something and you're willing to stand in line-- because the lines mean that there are people out there that care just as much as you do, and maybe more. But actually, don't let them care more... push the line further, up the ante, make the world come up to you.

Vote.

Because Every Once in a While, My Hair Cooperates When I Try to Straighten It

You Don't Have to Agree to Appreciate the Sentiment

Do you ever try to read your own mind?

Every once in a while, I catch myself just staring in the mirror, trying to figure out what I'm thinking.

For some reason, I generally pull my hair back with my left hand and get way too close to the mirror. It might start out as an examination of some kind of skin imperfection... but then I'm staring, staring into the mirror, lost in some kind of thought that I can't place.

I'm looking into my own eyes.

Who are you? What are you doing here? How did you end up here? What is it that you want? What are you thinking?

It probably sounds hopelessly weird. How is it possible to not know what you're thinking?

For me, though... sometimes it seems that all I do is go-go-go and run and practice and go to rehearsal and try to do my homework and swim and bike and meet someone for dinner and god now I can sleep and ugh it's time to wake up and start again.

And so every once in a while, when I have a second of down time, I catch myself just zoning out in front of the mirror, not in a particularly vain way, but just staring... wondering exactly what it is that is going through my mind so much of the time.

The Book That Will Go 'Round The World

I was lucky enough to be the first winner of The Outdoor Journey's competition. There are still 5 more chances to win the book-- just leave a comment here and let me know you're interested. That's it!

Description of the contest, stolen directly from hak's site (note that steps 1 and 2 have already been completed):

This is your chance to get your hands on one of five autographed copies of Dan Millman’s fantastic book, “Wisdom of the Peaceful Warrior”. (click here to read hak's review)

I’m going to do this as a fun experiment and see just how many multisport Peaceful Warriors we have around the world. Here’s how it will work:

1) From January 1-January 31, 2008, post a comment at the bottom of the post stating that you want to enter the contest. Make sure to include your blog’s name and URL.

2) Near the end of the month, one winner will be randomly selected. Let’s call this winner Blogger A.

3) Blogger A will get two copies of the book: One copy signed by Dan Millman that he or she can keep and one book that Blogger A will sign. Blogger A then writes a review of the book and continues the contest for the month of February, with the same rules, on his or her blog. Blogger A must link back to TheOutdoorJourney.com during the contest promotion.

4) At the end of February, Blogger A announces a random winner from his or her blog. This winner, Blogger B, then gets two copies of the book. One signed by Dan to keep and the other signed by Blogger A. Blogger B also writes a review of the book and promotes the contest on his or her blog for the month of March, linking back to TheOutdoorJourney.com and Blogger A.

5) We continue this until we get to Blogger E in June. At this point, Blogger E writes a review of the book on his her blog, linking back to the blogs of TheOutdoorJourney.com and Bloggers A-D (who in turn link to each other throughout the tour). The passed along book will have everyone’s autograph on it and we’ll ship it back to Dan Millman to add to his personal library…the book that has gone around the world.

Are you game?

Somehow Not The Most Appetizing Item On The Menu

I had lots of profound things to say.

But I just spent an hour inputting events for the next few months into my little electronic device, and then managed to delete them all with one little click.

And now I'm not in the mood.

The whole pen and paper thing is looking better and better... even considering the cool PINK case (that matches my bike) my electronic thing is currently sporting.