Laundry Night

I had a reprieve from the opera rehearsal hell for a night, so I figured I should try to get my laundry done.

I did all of my workouts earlier-than-early this morning. I ran 3.1 miles, led a 45 minute Spinning class, lifted weights, and then ran another 3.6 or so miles-- all by 7:40 in the morning. Somehow though, getting up at 4:22 this morning didn't hurt all that badly. I took my required nap in the afternoon, but other than that weakness, I managed the day without crashing.

Anyway, since I was free of both flute and training obligations tonight, next up was the deterioration of the organization in my closet-- first step, do laundry.

I actually like doing my laundry. It's relaxing because I get to wear my 'favorite but too torn up to wear regularly' jeans, then I let the laundry do its thing and sit at Panera with soup and a bread bowl and the internet... and no guilt about wasting time doing nothing online. Sure, I should be doing reading for my various BORING AS ALL HELL classes, but I'm giving myself the night off since I spent my entire weekend trapped in an opera pit. Tomorrow, back to the grind- out of necessity- because I have to give a presentation in class on Wednesday.

Anyway... so I started my laundry and proceeded to put money the in the wrong machine. So an empty machine just went through a complete wash cycle. And of course I didn't realize until I went back to put the clothes in the dryer... and discovered one load was still dry and definitely not clean. So now my clothes aren't on the same cycle (one being ready to be dried and the other still stinky with sweat)-- $2.00 in quarters and 34 minutes of my life wasted. Annoying, but it could be worse. The friend I was talking to on the phone told me 'That's what happens when you smoke pot before you do your laundry.' I'll have to heed that advice in the future.

I broke down and ate a brownie at Panera... which I wouldn't feel bad about at all, except that it wasn't as good as it looked. Is it too much to ask that when I splurge on calories, what goes in my mouth is actually worth the transgression? The chicken noodle soup in a bread bowl was good (carb heavy, I know, but I have to be ready for my 2 hour bike ride and hour swim tomorrow... I can't live off of rabbit food anymore), as was the iced tea, but I don't recommend the 'Very Chocolate Brownie'... just in case you were wondering. Save your calories, spend them elsewhere. Maybe carrot cake... ?

So, this post is especially banal today. I won't go on with the boring schedule and rambling nonsense; I just wanted to give a quick update as to what is and isn't going on in my little section of the Garden State.

Thanks for all of your encouraging words about the drama of my last post; I'm not sure exactly where I am with all of that, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. I'm going about my daily life and not obsessing about what I did right and wrong, so that's a good-sized step in the so-called right direction. I'm a little bored in general and wish I had some company, but one can complain about any situation, so I'm going to attempt to refrain from bitching about this one.

Breakups

They just hurt.

It had only been two months, about one of which we weren't even in the same state. And I was pretty sure all along it wasn't going to work. But I thought that my mind could be changed, and it was worth a shot. We had fun together, and perhaps more than that... it was really nice to have someone around.

Someone that wanted to go to lunch on a weekday and someone to watch movies with at night and someone that came to my concerts.

At first, I thought he was really different from most guys, in all the good ways. He didn't mind going out with my aunt and uncle when we had only known each other a week; he wanted to meet my parents after two. He called the day after our first date and didn't seem to have all the usual hang ups that one comes to expect.

It surprised me, probably made me take on the role of the one who holds back, but all in all... I liked it.

But then it was Winter Break and we each took separate vacations at different times, and being away when you don't know each other well is hard. And I've been really stressed out with the audition and getting enough training done and everything else that isn't that important but still manages to stress me out.

And so as you know from some of my previous posts, I definitely started pulling some of the girl crap that guys absolutely hate. And I knew it... but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

And so I know I was definitely partly to blame, but he didn't help things either. He knew how I felt about certain things, and he didn't do anything to try to make me feel better; he said things that I just can't hear and simply didn't make me feel attractive or wanted.

But all that was just in the past couple of days. Everything fell apart so fast it makes my head spin. It's amazing how things can be going one way, and then a few words and hurt feelings later and they've taken a completely different turn, and it seems there is no way to go back.

I wasn't in love with him; I wasn't falling in love with him as of yet. But, I liked him. I liked having him around, and there were aspects of him that I did love. Do love.

But I need someone who is a bit more sensitive and patient, and so it's probably better this way.

Every time I go through another failed relationship, it makes me miss Phil. We had our problems, but he was good to me, and we loved each other, and afterall- no relationship is perfect. I miss what we had, and don't miss what we didn't.

It was only 2 months. I'll soon get used to sleeping by myself and not having as much to do on the weekends. I do hope though, that his friends will still be my friends too because it was fun to be part of a group...

So we'll see. I'm busy; I probably don't have time for a boyfriend anyhow; friends are important, but even they can be hard to fit in at times. Regardless, it's helped to write this out. The ache in my chest is dissipating and I'm sure I'll be fine relatively soon.

So don't worry- this won't be another dark hole in my life. I can still look out the window and see a pretty day, and know that there were will be other boys and lots of other pretty days.

But it still hurts.

Insecurity.

How do you get rid of it?

The Audition

Disclaimer: This is partially just for my own records, so I understand if it's not interesting enough to read. (Pictures of cute puppies if you make it to the end though.)

The audition in St. Petersburg was really well run; everything was beyond fair... so fair that they didn't pick anyone because the 'favorites' didn't make it past their near-to-impossible first round.

So they'll have to hold the audition again.

Amazingly, only 33 flutists showed up. I was number 22 and played around 3PM. I think there were so few people there because the orchestra has been having financial trouble-- the players just took a salary cut. The masses are probably scared to leave what they have for something that could fall apart. But when you're me and you don't have anything job-wise, you don't have much to lose...

Like I said before, 4 people throughout the day were advanced to the finals, which they pushed up to Monday night instead of waiting until Tuesday as originally planned.

The first round was 6 excerpts. The book included Mozart Concerto in G (half of the exposition), Beethoven Leonore (complete opening), Mendelssohn Scherzo, Peter and the Wolf opening, Peter and the Wolf March, and Carnival of the Animals.

I got through the whole list, and felt I had played well. Not perfectly, but pretty much accurately portraying my ability. I probably rushed a bit in Carnival of the Animals. I'm good at the fast stuff, so I tend to get faster and faster; my fingers are the proverbial snowball. My fingers almost freaked out in Mendelssohn, which they never do; I don't know what that was about. I don't know if that blip was audible or not. Peter and Wolf opening felt a bit out of control towards the end, but again, I don't know if it was just in my head or something that the committee could hear.

Anyway, I left feeling good about it-- like I was about the snap in half from stress, but I felt I had a chance at advancing. The proctor told me good job and that I should be happy.

But, my number didn't get called.

I didn't mind not advancing so much as just not knowing if I was completely off the wall in thinking I had played well.

Yesterday though, I went out to lunch with the Personnel Manager (she's friends with a friend of mine who was also there auditioning), and I found out that the committee had been cutting most people off after one excerpt. Yeah, flying across the country to play for about 2 minutes, probably less. It's happened to me before...

So, it doesn't change the outcome at all. I still didn't get the job; I still didn't advance. But, no one got the job, and at least I wasn't delusional in thinking that I had played at least adequately. It feels good to at least know that I'm on the right track.

To answer the question about why no one got the job... I can't really say. Like I said, the orchestra has been having a lot of trouble lately, so maybe they thought it would be better to hire subs for the remainder of the year and find someone full time (with a full time salary) for next year. Or maybe the person they wanted didn't advance and they're going to hold out until next time. Or maybe they just genuinely didn't like anyone enough to hire them. The thing is though... most people at that audition could handle the job with flair, so it seems a bit ridiculous that they didn't hire anyone.

But, I can't complain, because now the position is still open and I have another chance. Maybe next time will be my time. Also open is a one year post in San Antonio; the audition is at the end of May. That'll probably be my next big go-round.

So, it was a good experience. It was good to get to play for a whole 10 minutes without the 'Thank you' cut off. It was good to be happy with how I played. I'm glad I took the audition, which is way more than I can say for most auditions.

Florida is beautiful this time of year, and I had an awesome time.

My runs around town and along the beach were a saving grace when I needed to get out of the flutist-infested hotel, and the dog beach I went to the day after the audition made me grin from ear to ear.

Illiterate Dog at the Dog Beach

Heading Out For a Run in Florida

News From the Hotel

Four people made it to the final round. They made one person play a 'super-final', and then they didn't pick anyone.

Gotta love it.

Guess that means they'll have to hold auditions again though, right?

Played Well.

Didn't advance. Life goes on. Time for a day at the beach.

Here I Am Again

I'm sitting in the hotel's lobby, eating the continental breakfast, trying not to hear the 15 or so other flute players already practicing in the hotel. Why is it that I never remember to get a hotel not recommended by the orchestra? That way I would be a bit less likely to run into all those other flutists before the audition.

In this aspect, the whole audition process and flute community is completely different from races and triathletes in general. At a triathlon, you want to see other athletes. You want to be part of the race community; you want to relate to everyone else.

Here, I just ran into a flutist I knew from college and we had a very stilted conversation about people we used to know and then awkwardly went on our individual ways. As though- 'nice to see you, but I don't really want to see you because seeing you means there are other flute players in the world and I don't like to think about that actuality'.

I really think that's a big part of the reason that I immediately fell in love with triathlon; everyone was automatically so inclusive in a way I had never before experienced within the music world. Don't get me wrong, once you're 'in' an orchestra or a school or any other musical group, you belong to one of the strongest teams in existence. But before admittance, you sit on the outside looking in, and they sit on the inside, not looking out because they don't want to remember life as it was before.

And as much as I hate to admit it, I know I partake just as much as anyone else. I'm not a better person than the flutist the next room over; I just wish I was.

So here I am again, waiting for my mid-afternoon audition, knowing that in so few hours it will all be decided and it feels like it's more up to chance than to me, and knowing also that tomorrow I'll either be preparing for the finals or running along the beach.

I'm a Triathlete Again

You know how I know?

Because I'm eating everything in sight, all the time.

My food bill has more than doubled, and I finished 3 people's meals at the post-run breakfast this morning.

And yes, I'm going to get fat.

Because somehow, all the training makes me STARVING, but doesn't contribute to weight loss. I know, because scales at every single gym I frequent (4!) all vouch for my lack of weight loss, and indeed, to my weight gain.

16+ hours of working out a week and I'm gaining weight. Awesome. I would ask someone to please explain to me how that's possible... but I'm a relatively smart girl and I understand the simple calories in/calories out equation. Somehow, the 'calories in' just seem to win out day after day...

I just really like food; I have a hard time depriving myself, especially when I'm constantly hungry. And to top it all off, it's really difficult to eat healthily all the time; when you're eatingeatingeating, after a while it's annoying to try to find vegetables or fruit or lean chicken...all you want is a pop-tart...or a cheeseburger with sweet potato fries and a beer.

They probably don't even read them...

Essay Questions

• Describe an instance where your involvement in music helped the community around you.

My freshman year here at the Cleveland Institute of Music, I began doing gigs. I had done weddings in my hometown before, but mainly for ‘friends of the family’ and such. One of the first jobs I had was to play in the Alzheimer’s unit of a hospital in an underprivileged area. I went with a colleague—we were to play duets. As we walked in to the room, a huge lump rose in my throat. I had never seen people in that state and I probably have not seen anything like it since. The scene is not necessary (or proper) to recount, but one just has to realize that it was a truly horrific situation. In any case, I did not know how we were going to actually play, but we nonetheless set up our stands and began. After we were done, I was not sure that I had made any difference to these people—I did not see how they could even hear the music, let alone begin to enjoy it. Then one of the nurses came up to us with an astonished look on here face. She took us aside and pointed out one man who had begun to pace around the room. “You see that man?” she said. “He has never before sat in one place for more than 10 minutes and he just sat in rapture throughout your entire hour long program. It’s amazing—I’ve never seen anything like it.” From that I realized something I will never forget. Music has the capability to touch something so deep inside you that it is unaffected by even the most severe of diseases. I love that I have the opportunity to invoke that awe-inspiring feeling. When I play, if I can bring that out in even one person, I am a success.

• Describe any outside interests you pursue actively and regularly.

Of course there is more to me than just music. I have, for instance, always loved to read. When in elementary school, my playmates who came over on Saturday afternoons knew to bring a book—we would simply sit on the couch and read. To me, books and music are equivalent; both transform everything around you into a transcendental dream.

Later on (in high school) I moved to visual art—I spent the majority of my non-practicing time in various darkrooms. I then spent my entire Bat Mitzvah savings on one of my own. Although I have not developed pictures in several years, I still love photography, and I quite often feel a rush of nostalgia for the otherworldly feeling those glowing red lights used to conjure.

Now, I am an active triathlete. I have completed an IronMan distance triathlon, and plan on doing another this summer. Also this summer, I am biking across the country (Florida-California) with a group of young adults. We will stop and build affordable housing for underprivileged areas, concentrating on Mississippi and New Orleans for Katrina reparation. I am very much looking forward to the opportunity to use my athletic ability to do something beneficial for the area in which I grew up.

The bottom line is this: I am a musician, and I always will be. But, there will also always be other aspects of my life that are just as important; life is best lived with balance, and I strive to achieve that equilibrium.

• Describe your goals in music and how the NWS fellowship program can help you achieve those goals.

My goals? I do not like the idea of putting some concrete destination on my future. I would much rather just state the fact that I want people to understand through my playing how music makes me feel. However that comes to be is fine. Fame and fortune are not at all my ideas of happiness. Playing in a major orchestra would be wonderful, and perhaps that is how I see myself most of the time. Being part of such a fantastic sound is incomparable to anything I have ever experienced. Nonetheless, as I previously stated, I cannot say that my ultimate goal is to be the principal flutist of the Berlin Symphony or anything else such as that. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I really feel that my goals are broader and more far-reaching than such that can be put on paper.

Since my mom is a professional flute player, it has been assumed that I am following in her footsteps—or perhaps rebelling from her warnings. In my opinion, neither conclusion explains the situation. Of course music is in my genes, my blood; Music has been in my family for generations. However, I am not simply consenting to some irrevocable destiny. This is my choice. It always has been.

Do note all essay questions must be answered and included along with your application submission, incomplete submissions may be disqualified at the discretion of NWS.

It's 5:01.

I've been up since 4:28, trying to wake up enough to drive to the gym-- so that I can run before teaching spinning.

IM training is for the birds.

FOR THE BIRDS.

And I'm guessing even they get to sleep more than 4.5 hours.

Help

I'm thinking it's a Microsoft IE problem, but since I have a Mac, I can't figure it out.

I've been told my font is too small, but I haven't changed anything in the font code, and it's the same size it's always been in every browser on my computer.

Anyone have any ideas on what the problem might be?

*Update: I semi-randomly changed some code; I think it's better now. If anyone still sees anything funky, let me know...

Change in Web Address and Recital Date

The title of the post being pretty much self-explanatory, I'll keep this to the point.

I am now the proud owner of www.curlysu.com, so you can redirect your browsers there, if you so desire. The blogspot address will continue to work for a while as well, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.

And, my recital next semester will not be on March 10. Instead, it'll be on Monday, April 21, at 6PM. (Yes, you read that right-- a 6PM recital, so people who work may actually be able to attend!) It's a chamber recital, and I'm playing a bunch of really cool pieces: J.S Bach's Musical Offering [for flute, violin, and piano], Beethoven's Serenade [for flute, violin, and viola], Higdon's Steeley Pause [for 4 flutes], Koechlin's 2 Nocturnes [for flute, horn, and piano], Jan Bach's 4 Two-Bit Contraptions [for flute and horn], and Villa Lobos's Bacchianias Brazilliaras [for flute and bassoon].

So, now that you've updated your bookmarks and marked your calendars, I'm out of material and I'll end by saying a simple 'Good Night'.

Who needs arms anyway?

Friday night in the pool, my arms fell off.

To recap:

I hadn't swam more than 2500 in about a year and a half, and not more than 1600 or so in the past 6 months.

Tuesday I swam 3000 yards.
Thursday I lifted weights and swam 2400 meters.
Friday, I was supposed to swim 3000 meters, complete with a negative split ladder workout.

At first, I felt fine, and even pumped out 6x50 fast at about 45 seconds each. Since Tuesday's swim, I had been completely cocky, thinking 'Hell, the IM swim is no problem. Screw training in the pool all winter; I could do it now.'

And then I started the ladder-- 100, 200... feeling okay. Not great, but okay.

300... Ouch.

400... Okay, this is bad. I can't feel my arms. My shoulders however, are burning with every stroke.

300... Breathe, last long interval before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Check the clock when you're done, try to get a negative split... Jesus, not only did you NOT get a negative split, but you were 20 seconds slower. 20 seconds. On a 300. Go out too fast, anyone?

200... This is only 8 laps. It's no big deal. But it is a big deal because now I can feel my arms again and they HURT.

100... Just finish. Just finish the 4 stupid laps and get the hell out of the pool. Stupid water. Stupid weights. Stupid triathlons. Stupid ME. Check clock: 2:04. HA! Slowest 100 I've done ever, it feels like. But whatever, I'm done. 3000 torturous meters, completed.

Breast stroke to cool down, ask the lifeguard to help you out of the pool because your arms fell off somewhere in that last 200 and they were sucked up by the drain and you couldn't find them anywhere.

Sigh. It's Sunday now and my arms still hurt. Here's to hoping that they'll be repaired by the time I have to swim again on Tuesday.

But, I went biking OUTSIDE today in the frigidly cold (but beautiful) weather, and had a blast. It wasn't a long ride, but every second was awesome. I always forget that biking outside is so much more fun than a spinning class or the godforsaken trainer.

I found a group of bikers that meets every Sunday and does at least 40 miles, so I'm pretty excited about that; there are actually places to ride in New Jersey--imagine! And hey, it's only taken me a year and a half to find them...

Comparing swimming in a pool to open water swimming...

...is like comparing line dancing to kickboxing.



(Video courtesy of Coach Keith Cook.)

Being Michael Moore

Here's the thing about blogging, or at least my approach to it...

It's all about exaggeration. Sure, there is truth to each post, but there is also a whole lot of fluff.

The fluff generates interest and helps prove the idea. Think: Michael Moore in Roger and Me, sitting around GM's front lobby trying to get a meeting with the president, wearing jeans and a baseball cap--yes, he goes 'beyond the pail', but we all get the point; corporate offices don't want to have to deal with the common-folk.

The fluff also creates a center to the post. I talk about an idea, I extrapolate on it. The post is how I am feeling now. I explain it, and honestly, most times after writing it down I no longer even feel the same way. The writing and the immediacy of the publishing acts as a kind of catharsis.

So, relatives and friends don't necessarily need to get all up in arms every time I bitch about something; it doesn't mean I'm unhappy-- it means I'm unhappy about that one thing, in one point in time. I love the feedback; it's why I write, and it oftentimes puts things in a much more clear perspective than I could ever see by myself. I don't usually take offense to comments. I've got a tough skin; I can take it.

So yes, I denigrated all of womankind yesterday. Did I really mean that all women are bad? Of course not. I was just explaining my problems in relating to people of the same sex. And you know what? Whether or not you agreed with me, you understood what I was saying. There was no middle ground or gray area, which is of course not life, but it is a good way of explaining yourself.

I did feed into stereotypes, but stereotypes exist for a reason; there is truth to them. We don't have to needlessly perpetuate them, but a lot of times they do a decent job of defining a situation.

And again, remember the fluff-- it's not meant to piss anyone off or make people worry; it's just there for emphasis.

Girls

I don't trust them.

I don't know why; I grew up with some amazing girl friends, and most of my best friends in college were girls too.

But somehow nowadays, when I meet girls, I'm just wary of them.

It's much easier for me to meet and make friends with guys, which is both really cool and, at the same time, a curse. Sometimes it results in awesome friendships, and other times it gets me in trouble. Sometimes it just makes me lonely.

Last night though, I felt like all my feelings of distrust were justified.

I went out to dinner with the running club after the group run last night with a bunch of other people, including a guy I'm dating. The whole time, this girl sitting next to me was visibly flirting with him. He was flirting back, but that's a different subject altogether, and one that has already been addressed.

But, the point is... shouldn't the laws of common decency have told her to BACK THE FUCK OFF? I mean, I was right there. What the hell? I would never act like that, and it's not like I'm a freaking saint.

I wish I were the type of girl who instantly got along with all other girls, but I just don't. I don't trust them. They're conniving and will stab you in the back without thinking twice. I know because I'm one of them, and I can see it in their eyes. The upside is that when I do find that good kind of girl, it's an immediate and lasting bond.

I deal with enough competition as a flutist, and to a certain extent, as a triathlete (even though I try to only compete with myself, sometimes it's hard to forget that you are, in fact, in a race). Is it too much to ask that I don't have to deal with it so blatantly in my personal life? I want friends, I want a relationship that makes me smile... but not at the cost of having it all come crashing down around me.

The whole thing just made me a bit disillusioned with humankind in general, and womankind in particular. How do you know who to trust, who to give a chance? I know I'll be hurt again in times to come, but I'm really not ready for it yet. I'm still kind of tiptoeing around the possibility of starting over.

It's hard, and sometimes I act crazy because of it.

Day 4.

All of a sudden I'm being expected to workout twice a day, almost every day. It's 4 days in, and despite feeling kind of sick, I've been doing alright. I missed some biking, but other than that, I've managed.

I set up my trainer and managed to actually use the thing for an hour on Monday. Tuesday, I swam 3000 yards for the first time in way too long and ran 6+ miles with some strides at the end. And then yesterday, I ran almost 9m with the running club. Today I'm swimming again and lifting weights.

IM training can totally defeat you, or else it can make you feel more confident than ever before. I've already traveled between those two extremes countless times in the last few days. Looking ahead, it's hard to understand how I'll manage to get through almost 6 months of this intensity (and more, of course), but I suppose that's why coaches only put up two weeks of the training plan at once; you're not supposed to look that far ahead. You just keep doing your daily workouts, and before you know it you'll be biking 112 miles and then running a marathon... with a smile on your face.

As it was in the paper, courtesy of Dad.

I'm in the paper!

Not famous, but perhaps a couple of my 15 minutes?

The Green-Eyed Monster

I hate to admit it, but I got jealous today.

It's such a horrible feeling, envy is. You feel hopeless and sick to your stomach, like you have no control.

This afternoon, I went to go hear the New Jersey Symphony; my teacher had a solo. He played beautifully; the jealously wasn't at all directed towards him.

I was sitting in the audience, enjoying the concert; it had been way too long since I had heard a live orchestra concert. It was weird thinking that I used to go to the Cleveland Orchestra multiple times a week and that my life had revolved around the orchestra's rehearsals and concerts. Now, I think it's been a couple years since I've gone to hear an orchestra. I stopped going because it was more detrimental than helpful to me; I was at the point where I only heard the mistakes and no longer heard the music.

In any case, I was sitting there this afternoon, and had a smile on my face, and (I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this) my eyes had welled up. I love orchestral music; I love every thing about an orchestra concert-- from the oboe's A to the intermission's clamor to the actual pieces and the applause at the end. I never leave before the applause dies down; I like to watch the musicians pack up and leave like they're normal people and not people who have this amazing life. And I wonder, do they know what they have? They're getting paid to make music, music they love. Yeah, I might have doubted myself for a while, but it's what I want, SO much.

But again, it's not the general musician of which I'm jealous.

It was when I saw someone I had gone to school with sitting as Assistant Cellist in the
Orchestra. I went to one of the top music conservatories in the country; of course my classmates are going to have infiltrated all of the major orchestras. I know that; I even generally know who has gone where...

But I suppose I didn't know about this cellist. Or if I did at one point know, I had shoved it to the back of my mind and forgotten. And so seeing him was such a shock. I don't know why; he had been one of the top players at school, and there was no reason in the world for him to not succeed.

My mind just kept circling around the completely self centered phrases of: But what about me? Why wasn't it me? It could have been me.

It's not me. I'm back in school without a real job; I'm still struggling to pay my bills and possibly afford an extracurricular activity or two. I know I'm only 26 and it's okay to not have everything 100% figured out. But, he's 26 as well...

And as much as I also know I made these decisions myself and you can't buy happiness and I'm really okay with everything in my life...

Maybe it's because I'm feeling sick, and I was more susceptible to morose feelings, but this afternoon I was jealous.

I was partly jealous of this kid's success, his ability to just go about his day without worrying about the things I worry about. But moreover, I was jealous of the fact that he gets to play. He's up there on stage, not just in a school orchestra, but in a real, full time orchestra. He gets to play his instrument and not apologize for it. He doesn't have to make excuses to himself, for himself. The adults he meets won't look at him like he's crazy when he says he's a musician.

And there it is!

I just figured out what it is that really sparked my envy. I want to be able to say 'I'm a musician' without explaining 'what I'll do next', and why I might actually be able to make this work. I don't want to have to convince anyone else, and I sure as hell don't want to have to convince myself. I just want to be doing it.

I know in the my heart that I am a musician, in every sense of the word. But I suppose there are always insecurities, and right now mine stem from the fact that I have another year and a half of safety at school... and yes, 'then what?' Everyone asks that of me, and I have a paragraph stock answer that I give and that generally satisfies.

But the truth is that I am scared. What if it doesn't work out? What if there isn't a job readily available and I have to move home after I get my Doctorate? What will I do? Work at the cafeteria again? Teach spinning? Those things are fine, but jeez... I could do them without a Doctorate.

It could have been me. I was right there with them. They were my equals. God, Susanna, stop sounding so damn conceited.

But... really... it could have been me.

So I suppose there were multiple facets to my feelings in that audience today. I was jealous of this person's opportunity to play. I was envious of his seemingly secure life. I wanted to be the musician, that to the world, he is.

And so there it is. The green-eyed monster that will get the best of you every time. Envy is not a productive feeling, and I'll stop milking it now. I know who I am and what I'm going to do with my life. Sometimes I just wish the path had been a bit different, maybe a little bit easier.

Sick.

You know those dumb stickers that say 'If your life was a movie, would you watch it?'

My 'official training plan' for IronMan Coeur d'Alene starts on Monday. There will be no easing in; the plan takes no prisoners; the first week begins with 19 hours of training.

It's all low threshold, completely aerobic exercise, but 19 hours is still a lot, especially considering I've been averaging about 7 hours a week since the Philadelphia Marathon.

So, I admit; I'm a bit scared. But, I'm also a lot excited. Like so many others have proclaimed, this is the year of the bike, and I'm finally going to see what I can do with the sport of triathlon when I truly concentrate on being a biker. This off-season will be dedicated to the bike.

Even if the training doesn't go exactly as planned (and let's face it, it seldom does), I'm still definitely participating in the PAC Arizona Bike Camp (about 80 miles a day for 7 days), the MS150 from Houston-Austin (170 miles in 2 days), and then of course there is Bike and Build during which I'm biking across the country--Jacksonville, FL to San Francisco, CA. Bike and Build is only an average of 60 or so miles a day, but no matter how you divide it, riding across the country is riding more than 3,500 miles. So after that, I'm bound to feel like a biker; I don't think there will be any avoiding it.

So right now, as the year is starting anew, school has yet to begin, I've got an orchestra audition looming in the near future, I've been dating someone I might actually like, and my training is getting a kick-start for my most extreme and intense year yet, I feel nervous and thrilled, like I'm watching an action movie...except it's my life.

Credit Cards and Dirty Teeth

I'm back in New Jersey and my toothpaste has mysteriously disappeared. I'm thinking it's the doings of the toothfairy's evil twin sister. So, I didn't brush my teeth last night or this morning. I don't remember the last time I went this long without brushing; I'm kind of a brushing fanatic. I've never had a cavity and I don't like to blow food into my flute so I tend to brush every time before I play. We're talking 4-5 times a day. My dentist actually told me to stop brushing so much because I'm hurting my gums. Great. I even brush my teeth in excess.

So this 14 hours of no-brushing? Not cool.

Not cool enough to get off my butt and go to the store? Apparently not. The irony is that before I left home I stocked up on every toiletry known to man-- everything except the toothpaste that I forgot, of course. So, I have two bags filled with shampoo and razors and ponytail holders, but no toothpaste, which apparently is the only thing I need. Where did it go?! I don't understand. I'd blame my landlord, but it's a little weird to accuse a 70+ year old woman of stealing a half used tube of toothpaste. So, the toothfairy's evil twin sister gets the attention, deserved or not.

In all seriousness though, I received an offer of grocery store company for tonight, so I'm thinking I'll do it then. I can brave the store when I have companions.

So, I got back late last night and this morning I started going through my mail. A lot piles up after almost a month away. An hour later and I've weeded through it enough to throw away all the junk. I'm now staring at running club and magazine renewal forms (money well spent or wasted??) and credit card offers.

Yes, credit card offers generally go straight into the trash can with all of the needless coupons and countless Bike Nashbar catalogs I receive. But, it's different this time, because I have a superfluous amount of airline tickets I need to purchase over the next 4 months--about 6 tickets in all. That's a lot of money that I don't have...and this credit card is offering two free tickets with the first purchase.

But there has to be a catch. I mean, I looked at the whole annual fee thing and all (it's waived for the first year, so I would just cancel the card after I got my free tickets), but there has to be something else I'm not seeing. I've read the fine print over and over and it seems legit.

But I just hate getting another card. Right now I have 2-- one with zero interest for my debt that I'm paying off slowly but steadily, and another for monthly purchases that I pay off every month. So I'm doing alright, and I would just rather not complicate matters further. Plus, I know having lots of cards open and opening/closing accounts is bad for your credit score. But...I'm not going to need said credit anytime soon (sadly, I doubt I'm going to be buying a house in the near future), so maybe it doesn't matter anyhow.

Argh. Real life too annoying to deal with. I was doing just fine at home where my dad does the shopping and my mom does the laundry. I fed the dog and set the table.

But two free tickets? That's hard to pass up.

Any advice out there?

(And don't worry, I'll brush my teeth ASAP.)

Not really sure where I want this to go...

You know how sometimes you don't quite have an idea in mind, but you just start writing and see where it goes? And sometimes that's when your best writing happens?

Well, I guess that's how it is with me and this whole New Year's resolutions/goals thing. I've been thinking about the new year and where I want it to go...and I just don't have any clear idea. And so I suppose I just start today, look forward and see where it goes. And maybe it'll be my best year yet.

I know of things I want to accomplish, ideals I want to keep.

But as far as a firm, 'this is what 2008 is about', plan... I just don't have it.

But that's okay, I think.

I think the long run gets accomplished just by looking to little goal posts along the way. A marathon is only a collection of 5ks, right?

I've long claimed that I don't want to be defined by what I do on the weekends or how I spend the early mornings. But, in actuality... we cannot have a life without those daily events. So maybe insisting that I'm not just a flute player or a triathlete is the wrong way to go. That's what I do, it's what I am. There's more to me, sure, but it's silly to go about trying to prove that all the time. It's time to understand that what I do really does, to a large extent, show the world who I am. And hell, it's time to go with it.

And so here we go... my 5ks for the year:

- Eat better...not worrying about weight per se, but more just concentrating on a healthy diet. It's hard for me because I don't like to cook all that much, so I generally just go for what ever is easy... but I'm going to work on that.
- Follow the training plan. Enough said.
- Balance athletics with music. Know when it's okay to NOT follow the training plan because it's important to also have practicing/studying time.
- Take down some walls. Don't be so scared of getting hurt that you barricade yourself off from everyone and everything.

The music events:
- Music History Prerequisite Exam, January
- Florida Orchestra Audition, January
- Spoleto USA Audition, February
- New World Symphony Audition, February
- Rutgers Concerto Competition, March
- Stravinsky Firebird- play in orchestra WITHOUT FREAKING OUT, March
- Chamber Recital, April
- Play the flute for an hour 5 of the 7 days a week during Bike and Build
- Lecture Recital, next fall

And, the athletic events:
- Bike Camp in Arizona, March 15-22
- MS150 from Houston-Austin, April 14-15
- Wildflower Half IronMan, May 2
- IronMan Coeur d'Alene, June 22
- Bike and Build- Florida to San Francisco, Summer 2008

And there you have it: My 2008 in a nutshell. It'll be about finding the joy in the 5ks of life. I might not have an ultimate finish line to cross, but that might actually be a better way of going about things, I think.

Because, if you can cross the finish line in real life, what else is there?

And more importantly, it kind of takes the fun out of the races!