This summer, I got used to being on my bike from anywhere from 4-10 hours a day... and all of sudden I'm not doing anything. At all. I went for a 3.1m run on Wednesday, but other than that (and a few long walks in San Francisco), I've been sitting on my bum since Sunday. It's gross. And now, I'm sitting on my bum in an airport, which feels even more disgusting. So, I've got to move. Airports should have built-in gyms, or tracks, or bike trails...
I miss my bike. I miss riding and the freedom of the road and all the incredible things I saw every day. I miss feeling strong and invincible.
And so now all that energy that used to go to the physical part of my day is stuck inside and I'm the same old obsessive psycho that I have been for quite some time now. And that's not what I want. I want to be able to preserve that feeling of normality, of being able to go through my day without the mental convulsions of self-doubt.
Because the thing is... I really feel that the other person - the person on the road - is really me. This uptight, upset personality isn't. It's instead some version of myself that was created by all the things that go into my every day life - all of the competition and the relationships and the career and just the overall pressure.
And that me? I don't like her at all. I realize she's over-the-top and annoying and obnoxious, and yet I still can't manage to stuff her away. Writing helps, but then I feel funny that I'm only letting out negative energy into the world. That's not me either.
So I just want to go back to the Bike and Build lifestyle, but I realize full-well that it's not sustainable. Or, maybe it is... but it just doesn't correlate with the path I've taken for my life thus-far. To be specific, you can't be a flutist and a Beatnick at the same time...and that's unfortunate. I need more of the lack-of-direction in my life, because you can't panic about not getting to a place if you don't have anywhere to go.
Ideally, I want the simplicity. Of course, there was plenty of drama and gossip along the road, but it was all contained within one little group of 32 people, and it just somehow seemed a whole lot less serious. There have been times relatively recently when I felt that things were finally going in a direction that I felt decent about, and I want to reclaim that feeling, even if that particular path didn't work out.
So, no more getting involved in hopeless situations, and this time I'm standing up for what I want and deserve. I really think I can do it this time; I think I'm residually strong enough to withstand overflowing emotion, and I will be better for it. And next time?
There won't be a next time because I'm going to stop this masochistic cycle right here, in the Houston airport.
