I'm constantly expecting things.
I'm expecting a job; I'm expecting to find love; I expect myself to be able to do anything, and to do it well.
I hate it when I have trouble doing things that other people do easily. Why doesn't the stupid nail go into the damn wall straight? Why does the screw get caught in the wood every single time when I use the drill?
I like building. It's fun; I'm learning a lot.
I now know how to install siding, sheet rock, and insulation (fiberglass hurts), and how to mud walls - and it's really awesome to get the chance to do this stuff. It's rewarding work. Sweat equity - who knew I would actually enjoy it?
Until it doesn't work the way it should.
Then I get mad.
I get mad that I can't do things easily. I get mad that I'm not coordinated. I get mad that I'm left handed. I get mad that I don't know anything besides how to play the flute.
Then I get even madder. I get madder that I'm a weak biker, even though I've conquered quite a bit in the world of endurance sports. Why is it that some people (girls!) who had never ridden more than 30 miles at a time before this trip can ride faster than me without even trying?
I know I'm whining, but god it doesn't seem fair.
I'm happy I'm doing this; I'm proud to be doing this. I 100% realize that I should be more than grateful for this opportunity - both physically and mentally - and even and in terms of having enough time to partake.
So I'm not complaining. I'm just saying...sometimes I just get mad that I can't do everything better than everyone else.
And yeah, I'm just joking. Kind of.
2 comments:
I wish I could remember the words my old horn teach used to use, but I can't. The gist, however, was that a certain amount of dissatisfaction--so long as it does not consume us or over-ripen into perfectionism--is that healthy motivation that sparks growth and improvement.
That's of no help, but there it is.
Oh, I hear ya. It has nothing to do with complaining or not being grateful. I often feel the same way when it comes to sports. I think sometimes it's worse for those of us that (ahem) CAN do a lot of things better than everyone else, only we expect that privilege to extend to "everything."
Post a Comment