Cause and Effect

(I haven't had internet service for a while, so this was written on Friday, July 11.)

Today I rode the 78 miles from Decatur, TX to Wichita Falls, TX by myself. I had exhaustion in every single muscle of my body and soul and wanted to ride at my own pace.

And then at a certain point I started to think. I started to think about lots of things, but mainly cause and effect...and how life is just a big chain of reactions.

One thing leads to another and all of a sudden you're in a place and situation you never dreamed for yourself.

And yes, bad things can happen to good people, and good things can happen to bad people...but I wonder if maybe there is a lot less chance in the world than I previously assumed.

And how long are we allowed to punish ourselves? Is it maybe easier to crucify yourself than to forgive?

It's laundry night tonight and I'm one of the unfortunates that is on laundry duty for the week. Washing everyone's dirty bike shorts is just plain gross.

Decatur is one of the cutest towns I've ever visited; they had an outdoor movie at night and an old courthouse from the 1800's that overlooked the city - the judge let me sit in his chair and use his gavel. Then there was the bike shop in a living room of a house that was more a museum of old bikes - the 80+ year old man who lived there told stories about bikes and airplanes.

Tomorrow is 90m long and my knees hurt. I miss running and swimming, but biking has reinvented itself in my head; I might have finally made my peace with the machine.

It's funny how you can create people that don't particularly exist. You make people be who you want them to be. It's not their fault when they disappoint; it's more you not being realistic in your expectations. Warning signs are pushed to the back and then through your head because you don't want to admit them; maybe learning to really listen would help to avoid unnecessary pain. At least that's the way it is for me.

I've been told I deserve something great, that I shouldn't settle. But, don't we all deserve something great? So who gets the bad ones? What do they deserve? Is it all part of the chain of events or is it stupidity or is it random? I wish I knew because I'd like to see the path in front of me without squinting.

Tomorrow the McDonald's in our host city is providing dinner - whatever we want, however much we want. A couple of months ago I never would have imagined being excited about that, but right now a night off of spaghetti and in a restaurant of sorts sounds more perfect than fast food ever should.

I'm startled by how quickly the trip is suddenly passing. I want to reach the destination, but a part of me also wants to prolong the journey - I don't want to leave this made-up world where malls are oddities and cars are inconveniences. But then again, it would be nice to wake up later than 5am and wear something other than spandex. A small price to pay for a trip across the country with 31 others, but a price nonetheless - I need enough sleep or I get impossibly grumpy.

And on that note...it's 8:56 and my bedtime. Good night.