Something is different.
There has always been someone.
Someone that consumes my thoughts; someone that I want to please; someone with whom I want to spend my time.
And I realized yesterday...that for the first time...the someone doesn't exist.
It feels great; it's a sense of freedom I haven't felt anytime I remember.
I'm not saying I don't need people - I do. I need friends and confidants and yes, a man would be nice.
But right now, being by myself is enough.
I never used to like watching movies by myself - whether in the theater or at home. Somehow, it just felt empty. But last night? All I wanted was to sit at home with a book and a movie. By myself.
I have trouble having fun or enjoying myself when other people around me aren't happy. I always feel some kind of need to make everything right for others, and I forget about figuring out what it is that I want. It's not some kind of altruistic selflessness (in fact it could be exactly the opposite - I want people to be happy, but is it only so that I too can be happy?)...it's called co-dependency and it's kind of pathetic. I don't want to have to rely on the happiness of someone else in order to smile myself. I shouldn't have to. Yes, of course I want the people I care about to do well, but it shouldn't determine my own mood.
When I was at a party recently and I knew one of the people I was with just didn't want to be there - surly looks, rolling of the eyes, sitting in the corner, pointed comments, refusal to eat or drink anything - I would normally have left the party with her and gone to a bar downtown, just because I wanted her to have fun. But this time I didn't. I liked being where I was and I didn't want to leave, and I let her go home instead. Maybe I could have been a better friend, but actually...I'm beginning to think I serve other people better when I'm not continually trying to figure out and do what they want. It creates a vacuum where I used to be.
I was proud that I was able to just stay...and moreover, I was proud that I was able to continue having a good time and not obsess about whether or not she was mad at me or what she was upset about or whatever else.
So, I don't know how or why it happened, but...something is different. And I think it's awesome.
Someone that consumes my thoughts; someone that I want to please; someone with whom I want to spend my time.
And I realized yesterday...that for the first time...the someone doesn't exist.
It feels great; it's a sense of freedom I haven't felt anytime I remember.
I'm not saying I don't need people - I do. I need friends and confidants and yes, a man would be nice.
But right now, being by myself is enough.
I never used to like watching movies by myself - whether in the theater or at home. Somehow, it just felt empty. But last night? All I wanted was to sit at home with a book and a movie. By myself.
I have trouble having fun or enjoying myself when other people around me aren't happy. I always feel some kind of need to make everything right for others, and I forget about figuring out what it is that I want. It's not some kind of altruistic selflessness (in fact it could be exactly the opposite - I want people to be happy, but is it only so that I too can be happy?)...it's called co-dependency and it's kind of pathetic. I don't want to have to rely on the happiness of someone else in order to smile myself. I shouldn't have to. Yes, of course I want the people I care about to do well, but it shouldn't determine my own mood.
When I was at a party recently and I knew one of the people I was with just didn't want to be there - surly looks, rolling of the eyes, sitting in the corner, pointed comments, refusal to eat or drink anything - I would normally have left the party with her and gone to a bar downtown, just because I wanted her to have fun. But this time I didn't. I liked being where I was and I didn't want to leave, and I let her go home instead. Maybe I could have been a better friend, but actually...I'm beginning to think I serve other people better when I'm not continually trying to figure out and do what they want. It creates a vacuum where I used to be.
I was proud that I was able to just stay...and moreover, I was proud that I was able to continue having a good time and not obsess about whether or not she was mad at me or what she was upset about or whatever else.
So, I don't know how or why it happened, but...something is different. And I think it's awesome.
posted by Curly Su at 4/06/2008 07:44:00 PM
5 Comments:
Being the best me I can be is the best thing do for others. If they want something different they should go looking for it.
The only man worth obsessing over right now is IRONMAN.
Being comfortable in one's own skin is a great treasure--and with me it comes and goes.
"To thine own self be true . . ."
I totally agree. I'd rather be by myself and happy than with someone and miserable.
Been there. Great time of my life, got to know myself a little better, raced a lot...when I got to the other side, that time helped me know that this is where and with whom I wanted to be. No thoughts I'd settled, etc.
Though dating myself, this lyric by Third Eye Blind always reminds me of that time of my life,
"I've never been so alone, and I've never felt so alive"...
musiclynessily speaking, of which i am an expert -ha! i would think the most perfect note, is born out of, and surrounded by silence.
it's also the space between the notes, that silence, to me, that makes the best ones heard most special...
when they are eventually combined with another note, and well paired, or group of notes, and well grouped -- positively symphonic.
this may, or, may not. have been about music.
i do what i can.
Post a Comment
<< Home