On the Front Page of the Paper

Why Will it be Different This Time?

When you're getting ready to start training for a new race, there is this sense of excitement. This time, you'll follow the plan exactly; this time you'll do the very best you can.

And perhaps you do, but then...perhaps you don't. Regardless though, why is it that when we start things, we feel that it's going to be different than the last time around?

I'm auditioning for an orchestra at the end of the month; it's the first professional audition I've taken in 3 years. I took every one in existence for about 4 years when I was in Cleveland...and then got so unbelievably burnt out that I couldn't even look at the job openings in the monthly advertisements. The audition process was more than I could handle; even the possibility getting the job wasn't worth what I would have to go through to take the audition.

At an audition, usually about 100 flutists show up, give or take 50, depending on how many people they allowed to audition (there is sometimes a resume round before the actual audition), how good a job it is, etc.

There is a preliminary round. You pull a number and wait your turn. You might have to play right away, you might have to wait 8 hours. You go into the hall, being told not to say a word or walk anywhere off of the rug--the audition panel is behind a screen and they don't want to know whether you're male or female by the sound of your shoes. You play for about 4-5 minutes, you hear 'Thank you!', and that's your cue to leave. You rejoin the rest of the flutists in the lobby. About an hour (sometimes 2-3) later, someone comes out and says which numbers advanced. If you didn't advance, you leave. You're done. You've practiced for months for this particular audition, flown across the country, paid for a hotel and other travelling expenses, and then you're done in 5 minutes.

If you do advance, you wait a few hours or a few days for the rest of the preliminaries to finish. Then, along with 10-15 other flutists, you return...and go through the process again, this time maybe playing for 8-10 minutes. Then the semi-finals are over and you wait again to see who made the finals. If they don't call your number, you go home...it's slightly more rewarding to get to the semi-finals, but you're also left with this empty feeling of... 'What if it had just gone a little better?', because anyone who made the semi-finals could very well have gotten the job. Except you didn't.

The finals are generally narrowed down to 3-5 people. Now you get a chance to really play; you can move outside the box, show who you are, and they'll listen to you for a whole 15 minutes. They might even take the screen down to see who you are. And then they pick someone. That person, one out of a hundred well-qualified flutists, now has a job. The other 99? They don't.

There are about 5 job openings a year that could actually support you enough to enable a middle-class life.

The audition process (to put it politely) fucking sucks. It's stupidly hard and most times doesn't even yield the best player. But that's not my fight; I can't change that system.

And so I auditioned a lot; at least 5 times a year for 4 years. And I advanced sometimes and didn't advance other times and I had no idea why (I would advance after feeling like I played badly and not advance after playing, in my mind, perfectly) and yes, it was frustrating. But it was also depressing and humiliating and just plain bad for me. So, I decided I would stop until I could understand better what they were looking for, or more...what I was looking for in my playing. I had been practicing only the audition material for so long that it no longer felt like music. I no longer enjoyed playing; I had to find the musician in me again.

And now, I think I've found it. I feel secure in myself and how I play, and I'm not scared of the 99 other flutists that will show up in St. Petersburg, Florida at the end of January. That doesn't mean I'll win or even advance, but it does mean that perhaps I won't be completely destroyed by it, regardless of the outcome. And knowing that makes it possible for me to take the audition.

But as I was starting to prepare, I found myself playing the material in the same way I had years ago. I'm a different flutist now, but that old flutist was so ingrained into those pieces that it was hard to find my new self within them.

And so I started wondering...what is it that's going to make it different this time? Why do we think we'll get better with every race? Why do we think this new relationship is going to work out when none of the others have? Why is this diet going to make you keep the weight off? Why would I win the audition this time?

Can we ever really change?

And the truth is that I don't know the answer. Yes, history repeats itself. But, along with that history is the repeated feeling of hope. I know that every time I start along a new path I have the utmost confidence in it, regardless of past failures or successes. So, that's what I'm running with-- I'm running with the knowledge that I believe in myself, that I have learned in the past few years, and that I have hope that this time will be different.

The bottom line is this: Whether with races, relationships, or auditions... you have to put yourself out there. If you don't try, you can't possibly win.

Christmas Activities

Merry Christmas.

Ever wonder what Jews do on Christmas Day? Well, I went for a run and we're going to a movie soon, but other than that...

I made a 'photographs' page on my website. It took FOREVER, but it's worth it... I think...

High Definition Fireplace and Christmas Music

For some reason, I think this is just hilarious. I've been informed though, that it's nothing new and unusual... oh well, it was original to me...

I haven't been posting...

It seems I have the infamous 'blogger's block'.

So, I worked on my sister's website instead. Check it out!
Make sure you click on the images to see the cool new 'lightbox' effect I learned (and had massive help employing).

Now my entire family wants sites made...I guess I'll be busy over the next couple of weeks.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!

My Parents' Jewish Microwave that Plays 'Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel'

Waiting, Not at All Cold (I'm to the left in pink shorts, already grimacing.)

Tri Calendar is Here!

Okay, guys...

I know calendars can be kind of boring, but I promise you'll love this one. It features photos that I've taken at races and during training over the past few years. Included are The IronMan Window, the Wildflower Transition, and The Winter Storage Bike (and 9 other pictures, of course).




I guarantee you and every triathlete you know will breathe a huge sigh of relief at the thought of having a wall calendar that makes them smile when they look at it. And those non-triathletes? They'll still like it because the pictures are cool and the scenery is beautiful.

For ease of transaction, I have set up an Online Charity Account (there's also a link at the top of the page). It uses PayPal and is completely secure. Or, if you prefer, you can mail a check (email me for the address). I will donate 100% of the proceeds to Bike and Build.

The calendars will be available for a few months, but if you order within the next couple of days (by Tuesday, December 18th), they should still arrive by Christmas Eve.* Please tell your friends!

Thanks for your support, and Happy Holidays!

*I can't 100% guarantee though. Sometimes mail takes longer than they say it will...

That whole 'I'd run a half marathon over a 5k any day' thing?

Yeah, I take that back.

I ran the Swamp Stomp Half Marathon this morning, and I think I might have died halfway through the course. Or after the first 3 miles.

Because whatever part of me that made me think I could run a good half marathon after running a total of oh, 28 miles over the past MONTH is just WRONG.

It was the worst half I've ever ran, excepting the one I ran with my dad. And I swear, if I wasn't stupidly stubborn about not having a DNF, I would have quit. I probably should have quit, because now I feel like death warmed over.

Note to self: You are not invincible. And waking up at 5:22 AM to drive an hour and a half to run 13 miles the day after you fly across the country is plain ole stupid.

I ran a 1:56:33, which I know isn't horrible, but it's 9 minutes off my PR, and it's 4 minutes off of what I did a couple months ago. And geez, I just ran a whole marathon at almost the same pace. Lame. I can't believe I had (idiotic) thoughts of a PR.

I knew going into it that I didn't feel very good. My legs were sore for no reason (I've done less than nothing training-wise in the past couple of weeks), and I just felt off kilter. I tried stretching (yeah, I know...STRETCHING, something I never do), and I tried just jogging around to loosen up my legs.

But when the first mile went by in 8:22 and it felt like I was running that 5K from last week, I knew I was in trouble.

It was a cute race; only 130 or so people participated. Consequently, I still got 3rd in my 20-29 age group, and got a coffee mug as a reward. And, there was gumbo, Coke, and free massages afterwards. Even the shirt was cool.

All this was to make up for the horrible course, and the weather that made you think it was the middle of July. It was about 70 degrees with 87% humidity, and of course as soon as the race was over the rains came and alleviated all of that disgusting mess in the air. But during the race? My God, I know I'm in Louisiana, but I still didn't expect to be sweating while standing around before the race on December 15.

So, that flat course where I was going to kick some butt? Not quite.

The course was two loops, with 3 different out and backs (through a country club neighborhood) that each put you back in the main quadrant. So, through the race, you ended up within spitting distance of the finish line 6 times. Yeah, torture. I almost quit every single time. And like I said, I would have if this stuff wasn't recorded.

But, I'm still glad I went, even if I have spent the rest of the day in bed moaning about how I don't feel good. What else is vacation for, right? Even a bad race makes you feel alive, and that's about enough for me...

Splits, even though I crashed and burned:
mile 1- 8:22
mile 2- 8:35
mile 3- 8:29
mile 4- 8:38
mile 5- 8:38
mile 6- 8:44
mile 7- 8:55
mile 8- 8:57
mile 9- 9:23
mile 10- 9:35
mile 11- 9:22
mile 12- 9:39
mile 13- 8:26
mile 13.1- :45
total- 1:56:33

Home

The flight this morning was disturbingly easy (I went to sleep for the 3 hours, in case you were wondering), and now I'm home.

For a month. Starting to get overwhelmed with the length of that duration, but I'll get a job and the time will go by. I'll miss my friends.

I'm going to work on the calendar this weekend; by Monday, it should be ready to go. Thanks for all the ideas and support.

Tomorrow I'm running a half marathon and on Sunday I'm playing at 2 Christmas gigs. So, a busy weekend to start off the break.

I'm going to call the LBS and see if they'll let me rent a bike for a month. I know it's doubtful, but worth a try, I suppose. Maybe I'll also put an ad on the triathlon site in Lafayette to see if anyone around here wants to work something out. If worse comes to worse, I'll spin and ride my mom's hybrid. It's not like I was riding my bike outside in New Jersey anyhow...

I actually have a lot of goals and things to accomplish for this next month here. I need to get my Bike and Build fund-raising jump-started; I need to practice regularly to be ready for next semester's auditions and recitals; I need to study for the big music history prerequisite exam that is known to be next-to-impossible; I need to save as much money as possible to be able to finance my triathlon season this year; I need to rededicate myself to training and establish a base for the IronMan training that will start in January.

And of course, I need to relax and have a good time with my family and friends.

So, maybe the month won't seem so long after-all.

(And yes, I'm aware that's the second post in a row that I ended with the word 'after-all'.)

It's 12:24 and the cab comes at 3:45 to drive me to the airport. Do I sleep for 3 hours or try to stay up?

Last night in New Jersey for a month...I might miss it here after-all.

Done

And I couldn't feel better.

The relief I felt after that final presentation this morning was better than any drug out there, guaranteed. I couldn't stop smiling. Freedom.

So tomorrow I go home and have a month to myself. I'll get a job and I'm sure I'll get sick of my parents and living at home and Lafayette, LA. And I'm sure I'll miss stuff up here.

But for now, it sounds absolutely perfect. No complaints whatsoever.

Oh, and I listened to my recital, and I'm much happier with it than I had been. All the stuff that I thought sounded horrible just wasn't that big of a deal. That's pretty typical, I suppose, but it seems like I have to figure it out all over again each time I perform. Maybe someday I'll finish playing and not have regrets, but for now, I'm just glad we have recordings.

Anyway, all is well here; more soon from the South...

Recital

It went well. It wasn't perfect (more on this later), but I think I projected some of myself through the music, which I suppose is more important than perfection. Some of the mistakes are ridiculous and I'm annoyed by them, but all in all, I enjoyed myself; I had fun performing. And as my teacher in Cleveland once requested of me, I managed to 'Play with love.'

Recital time, and the dress I got on 8th Ave for $20.

Day 5, picture from Dad.

I hate 5ks.

I ran a 5k yesterday morning. It was my first one in almost two years. That's how much I hate 5ks. I'd run a half marathon over a 5k any day.

It was a cool race. There was no entry fee; instead, you brought a toy to donate to kids in need. 2900 people participated, and the stage at the gym was completely filled with toys. It felt good to be part of something positive that you could actually see.

I haven't been doing any speed work at all, and I haven't even been running that much. I've been so ridiculously busy over the past couple of weeks that I've been basically just teaching my 4 spinning classes a week and going to the running club runs on Saturdays. So, running once a week for a grand total of 6 miles. It's definitely been a recovery month before IM training starts.

In any case, I didn't have any expectations for the race. I actually had no intentions of even running hard. But, then the race started and I got competitive. I got competitive with all the people around me (she's ahead of me? I don't think so!), and I also got competitive with myself. Everybody probably feels like this, but I just really wanted to break my previous 5k time.

And I did. I ran the Chili Bowl in Cleveland in 24:01, and I just ran the Big Chill here in New Jersey in 23:07. My first mile was in 7:36, the second was in 7:14, and then the last 1.1 was 8:17. I think. Can you believe Little Miss Anal Type A over here forgot her watch and had to rely on the race clocks??

Now, it's been said that the race here is a little short, but I don't care. I was probably about 15 seconds behind the starting line (and my chip didn't work, OF COURSE--I've given up caring), so that makes up for any course discrepancy as far as I'm concerned.

So, new 5k PR: 23:07. I placed 10th of 70 in my age group. I'm happy with it.

And you know what? I'm actually considering doing another one, because now I just want to break 23:00. Or 22:00. Or I just want to be faster.

My legs have that nice 'I just did a track workout' feeling that you only get from speed work. I'll have to try to remember to get off my butt and run as fast as I can more often.

I still hate 5ks though. And I'm running a half marathon next weekend in Louisiana to make up for yesterday's torture.

My recital is tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit on edge and I can't quite keep my thoughts together. So, sorry for the poorly-worded post; I'll try to upload my recital by Tuesday...unless I play really horribly, in which case I'll just pretend it never happened.

This is probably stating the obvious, but performing can be really freaking hard. I had a huge solo in the orchestra concert on Friday night and my body totally pulled the whole 'flight' routine, where I had convinced myself that I just needed to puke and leave and let someone else play. And everyone hated me and I had no friends and I didn't want to play in the orchestra or do anything besides go to sleep. And eat brownies.

So, I hope I don't go through that self-inflicted hell tomorrow, because if you can just relax, performing for your friends and family can be a lot of fun. It's when you can't chill the fuck out and end up just thinking about how miserable you feel...that's when it's completely intolerable.

So, I'd ask for luck, but it's not really luck I need. It's just vibes of serenity and confidence. Send me some of those if you have a chance.

I wonder if they have empty-nest syndrome...

A little bit sacreligious, but still pretty cute.

Day 4

Closing Doors

I seem to be having trouble making decisions lately. I can easily open all the doors in the world, but then, at some point, I have to decide what I actually want to do. I have to walk through one door, and allow the rest of them to close, at least for the time being.

Meanwhile, I have to write the rest of my term paper and play a decent recital, and being stressed out doesn't allow for an easier decision-making process.

Music and athletics. They have a lot in common, but maybe they're too much alike--it seems they both want to take over my life. And I only have one life.

Sigh. I know it's not possible, but sometimes I wish there was someone to fill in the blanks for me.

Tri-Calendar to Benefit Affordable Housing

As I was trying to think of ways to fund raise for Bike and Build that didn't involve begging or bowling, Courtney actually hit the nail on the head.

It's time for the new year, and we're all ready for a new start. With that, there is the inevitable--we have to buy new calendars. And yet, so many of them are trite, or boring, or just meaningless.

So, I want to make a tri-calendar; it will be in return for a $20 donation, all proceeds of which will go towards Bike and Build, the organization with whom I'm riding across the country and building affordable housing this summer. The donation is completely tax deductible, and the calendar would be a perfect Christmas present or stocking stuffer. For those who were wondering, Bike and Build is not directly affiliated with Habitat for Humanity, but the two groups have done quite a bit of work together; Bike and Build has donated huge amounts of money to Habitat, and there is a mutual respect between the two not-for-profits.

I was in the gym this morning lifting weights, and I saw a news clip about Brad Pitt getting involved with rebuilding the Ninth Ward in New Orleans. I'm so glad to see that the affordable housing crisis from Hurricane Katrina damage is being acknowledged, and it's always admirable when celebrities use their fame positively. However, the problem is not just in New Orleans, and 100 houses is not going to fix the issue as a whole. Yes, every little bit helps, but we need more than Brad Pitt. We need to each do the little bits ourselves or we'll never get off the ground. This is my little bit.

But back to the calendar. I have some ideas about what the theme of the calendar should be, but before going ahead with it, I wanted to ask you for your input. What would you be interested in having in your office or home?

One idea is to have a 'tri-bloggers' theme, with pictures of your favorite bloggers and blogger meet-ups. Another idea would be a 'picturesque races' theme, with views of the most memorable and popular races. Or else I could try to contact pros and ask for their favorite race picture and a brief paragraph about the picture. Or it could be something completely different, even something unrelated to triathlon. I'm open to anything.

I also thought it would be possible to have the calendar double as a training log--so it would be a weekly desk or pocket calendar with a log format on one side of the page. Most people probably use some kind of computer software for that by now though, so I don't know if that's useful or not.

So, what do you think? What would be the best way to raise money for this worthy cause? Please leave comments or email me your thoughts. I'm hoping to get it together in the next couple weeks, so there is hope of getting it out before Christmas and the New Year.

I of course have other fund raising plans in mind (a series of spinning classes featuring a 'Spinning Across America' profile, for one), but I just thought this would be a cool way to get all of you guys involved tangibly, and also a purposeful jump-start to the year.

This is SO me...

I'm younger than the girl writing in for advice, but damn it strikes a little too close to home.

Streak

Nope, I'm not running anywhere naked.

I'm instead referring to the blogging streak I've managed to hold for the past month-plus. I'm going to try to keep it up. I've enjoyed the necessity of blogging. It's made me write some things I definitely would have forgotten about otherwise, and it even got me to pick up my camera again. Plus, you know me...I like the discipline of a routine and making myself stick to something.

So, get ready...more posts, coming your way...

Reminds Me Of Flying Birds

2008, Shaping Up

Congratulations! You are now Registered for the 26th Annual Avia Wildflower Triathlon 2008. Please check the Tri-California Events website in 2-3 weeks in order to verify your registration information on the participants lists.

Your Invoice Number is: 43177

Susanna Loewy
Sex: FEMALE
Age: 27 (Age on 12/31 of race year, used by USAT to determine racing age group)
Race: Long Course
Race Category: Individual Age Group

That First Snow

My Favorite Tree, One Week Later

It's not November anymore!

So, I don't have to post today.

So there!

I made it though; I posted every day in November, without even complaining. Sometimes I even posted more than once...

Impressed?

I ran 6m today...it was my first 'real' run since the marathon. It's freaking freezing out, but breakfast with the club afterwards made it worth it.

Time to practice for my recital. Ugh.