I love my Mac, but...

I guess I don't know it all that well yet.

3 hours and much needless downloading and cursing later, I finally figured out how to make a new header on my mac.

It's too big and I can't make it smaller. But [for now] I'm happy with it...if for no other reason then because it's the last Friday of summer break and it's time to get out of my pajamas.

The past week in a nonsequitor nutshell.

I've just been enjoying my time at home and I haven't really felt like I had much to say. I've been reading all of y'all though...

Much has happened; it's been a great couple of weeks. Now just one last summer weekend and my school life begins.

My goggles gave me black eyes. Literally--I have broken blood vessels under my eyes. I'm thinking the suckers (haha-pun--get it?) are too tight. At least they didn't leak, right?

My coach rocks. He has IMMoo next weekend and he's spent a huge amount of time this week getting me set up with Training Peaks and offering to meet with me the one day we're both in town before he heads to Wisconsin. How's that for dedication?

I've organized my parents' entire house (for a fee, of course)--the place never looked so...tidy...(cough...anal...cough).

I got my hair cut, for the first time since December. The stylist was not amused and cut off 5 inches. And it's still long.

Phil moved to Hong Kong. I miss him. Skype is saving me. It's a crazy world we live in that enables us to talk with video for free.

13 hour time-zone changes are weird, but not that inconvenient because when one peron's day is ending, the other's is beginning. 6-8 hours is a harder difference harder to deal with, I think.

Mudslides? They're my new favorite drink. Especially when made by an old friend's dad and drank sitting in her living room.

Two of my friends are getting married; there were lots of parties last weekend. That makes 4 friend couples this summer. It's an epidemic. Someone stop it before it spreads any further...

My sister is keeping a Kosher household now. I'm happy she's found something she believes in, but I hope she's not coming to it at too young and influential an age.

I'm trying to get my parents to do the Paleo thing. I worry about them.

I'm scared of dying and the only anxiety I feel as of late is due to panic attacks late at night thinking about death and the unknown.

But I really am happy. I love my life. And I just don't want it to end.

What did I do to be so lucky?

I'm going to do the Philadelphia Marathon, but I think I already said that. It would have been last week when I mentioned it though, so I don't remember all that well. Short term memory is for the birds.

I'm always nervous that my spinning classes aren't good enough, but after attending a few here, I'm way more confident in my spinning-teaching-skills.

I do, however, need new music for my classes. I was supposed to deal with that this summer. But, now it's 4 months later and there is no new music yet. I start teaching 4 classes a week next Wednesday. I need to get on this whole organization thing or I'll go crazy when the semester starts.

I was given the opportunity to play at a masterclass for a relatively famous flutist in October and I'm excited. Now I have to learn the piece. Now.

I have a school orchestra audition next Wednesday and I don't even have all the music for it yet, which is not at all my fault. Music stores are inept. All of them.

My flute didn't like being dropped last month and desperately needs to be fixed. Next Friday. It's a date. In Philadelphia. Too bad it's not before my audition.

Cell phone companies steal all your money and then sit on your head and charge you for it.

I got a new road bike so I sold my tri bike.

[Like how I snook (sneaked?) that one in at the very end?]

The worst race pictures ever.

Okay, so I probably take a little too much pride in being relatively photogenic. So, when I got these race pictures, I threw up a little in my mouth. My legs are all cottage-cheese gross. And I look like I might pass out and die at any second. And I'm not even posting the really bad ones. Like the one on the bike where you can see my belly-fat-roll.

Hmph.




(yeah, yeah...the last one isn't that bad, but you can't expect me only put up the bad ones...vanity, guys...who says it's not a virtue?)

This will work better anyhow.

So, after the initial I'm-pissed-because-my-plans-got-messed-up-and-it's-out-of-my-control feeling, I'm realizing this new schedule could be a blessing in disguise.

I'm going to sign up for the Philadelphia Marathon and try (once again!) to break 4 hours. I'm going to be teaching spinning 4 times a week this semester, so that along with 1 long-ish bike ride a week will be a good start to the biking. And, I'll keep swimming at least 2 times a week. But, everything except running will be more cross training oriented.

Then, once Phili is over, I'll be ready (time-wise and mentally) to start really getting into IM training. The only annoying this is that I was really pumped about the tri-training NOW, and I just hope I don't lose that enthusiasm. But, with any luck, the time semi-off (since when is marathon training 'off'??) will avoid burnout before IM.

Oh, and the awesome news? I think I have a coach. No details yet, as we're still working on them...but this could be really great...

Okay, so situation solved. I think. I've started tweaking my training plan (the new version is posted below, complete with new file name), but it's still pretty tri-based. I need to figure out the ramping up of the run, but I can't do that 'one month at a time', so I might be forced to look further into the future than I had originally wanted.

Yeah, I know...poor me...life is SO hard when your biggest problem is figuring out a how far you have to run on the weekend...

Cancelled?!

So, as TriBob just kindly informed me, my 'A' race of the year has been canceled. What now?

I guess I'll aim towards the Philadelphia Marathon on November 18 because that's my birthday and I've always wanted to do a race on my birthday...and because after doing the Philadelphia Marathon last year I wanted to try again after actually having trained; I think it's a really fun, fast course. Any takers to do that with me? (Liz, do you want to be my pace bunny??!)

But, that's a marathon and not a triathlon. Do I just concentrate on running for a while and then start CdA training afterwards? Or do I find another triathlon sometime a bit earlier and then try to do both that race and the marathon?

Damn, I was really looking forward this race. It was a perfect season ender before starting IM training. Hmph.

But, now I get to look for other races, and that's always fun. So, any ideas?? I'm open to anything...

1 month at a time...

In keeping with my last post's resolution, I set out to make a Texas 101 training plan...so that I'm not just doing whatever I feel like doing and convincing myself that it's enough.

But, it's hard to make a training plan, you know? I feel like I basically know what I'm doing, but it's just kind of overwhelming...hence the one month at a time. I can do this next month, and then I'll just add on as the time comes.

For the IronMan though, I might consider hiring a coach...but we'll see. I found some good guides online, and maybe those plans in combination with advice from all of y'all would be enough. I don't know.

What do you guys think about the pros/cons of hiring a coach vs. doing it by yourself? Keep in mind the monetary limitations; I wouldn't be able to get the top notch coaching plan or anything. So, it would probably basically be just an online guide anyhow. Unless any of you have good, low cost, personal coaches...in which case please let me know.

Anyway, here's the plan I came up with for the next month, color coded and everything.

The biking is low for the next 2 weeks because I don't have my bike in Louisiana this time around. So, I'm limiting it to a ride a week with my mom (on an old mountain bike) in conjunction with a few spinning classes. Once I get back, the spinning classes are ones I teach, so they're kind of low impact and I almost don't count them towards training.

So, I guess those are the explanations/disclaimers. Any suggestions are welcome!

Music From the Summer

After ridiculous amounts of time wasted, I finally figured out that the reason I couldn't upload the music before was because the file name had a semi-colon in it, which is strictly forbidden...only I didn't know about that rule.

So, now you have it...all the music I performed this summer, save the last concert (which we haven't received yet). I'll add that as soon as I can.

Just click on the picture below (or in the sidebar under 'Practice Room') and download 'Manchester Music Festival'.

It's all chamber music (small ensembles), so when you hear the flute, it's definitely me.

Pieces you hear:
-Hindemith Woodwind Quintet--5 tracks
-Mozart Quartet for Flute and Strings (violin, viola, and cello)--3 tracks
-Ibert 3 Pieces for Woodwind Quintet--3 tracks
-Roussel Trio for flute, viola, and cello--3 tracks
-Hindemith Woodwind Quintet (again because we performed it at 2 different functions--the first time is probably better overall, but I liked my playing more at this Benefit concert)--5 tracks
-Thuille Woodwind Sextet, movement 1--1 track

Coming soon are the Thuille Woodwind Sextet, movement 4 (I won't include movements 2 and 3 because it was a disastrous performance) and the Villa-Lobos Bacchianas Braziliaras (sp??) for flute and bassoon.

I know this is all geeky classical music stuff and perhaps it's not all that interesting to most you, but some of it is really pretty cool. I mean, cool in an extremely nerdy way...but cool nonetheless. And hey, it's what I do...so here it is...

As a disclaimer, these pieces were performed after 1 week of rehearsals, so they're far from perfect. But, they're still pretty decent; I was proud of the summer as a whole.

Anyway, I hope that if you do actually download the music, you enjoy it. And, definitely feel free to give me feedback!

Manchester Music Festival 2007

I'm not sure if it counts.

But, I did indeed PR yesterday. By 26 minutes.

I'm just saying it might not count because the only other half I've done was Wildflower, and everyone knows that course is stupid hard. And so maybe, in relative terms, I actually did better at Wildflower.

I don't know.

Regardless, yesterday's course was no cakewalk. I guess 70.3 miles will never be easy, but the route was also actually kind of difficult.

First off, the camping was a blast. I set up my own tent (!) and met some people camping nearby and just had a great time. Beforehand, I had been doubting the decision to not just stay in a hotel, but I'm infinitely glad I stayed at the campground. It was a skiing lodge area, so there were plenty of amenities (no, not 'real' camping), but it still felt adventurous.

And onto the race...

The swim actually went pretty well. I didn't go all that fast, but I maintained the pace at which I've been training (2:00/100 meters), so I'm pretty happy with that. After all, it is harder to navigate through open water than follow a little black line in the pool. I had the blinding-sun-in-eyes problem for one of the three stretches, but otherwise the swim was basically uneventful. I managed to actually draft off of people at times, which made me proud. It really does make a big difference...

I was using a new wet-suit (because I lost my TNT one at Wildflower), and this one had no sleeves. I was nervous about the whole using something new on race day thing, but it (luckily) ended up being great. I got the warmth and buoyancy from the suit without the shoulders being constricted. Plus, the suit was on sale because it was one they had used to rent out once before. So, I got a once-used suit for half off. Not bad, eh?

Twenty minutes before the race was supposed to start, I discovered a flat tire (how do tires go flat overnight? anyone?), and had to quickly run into the Mavic tent, where they were awesome and helped immediately. I knew it was okay, but the whole thing just kind of made me more-than-usual-nervous about the bike maintenance while I was riding. Of course, other than one dropped chain, everything was fine. My stupid head going around in circles about whether or not I would flat again was more trouble than anything else...

The bike course was hard. I think they under-bill it on the website. They say it has some challenging hills, but they fail to mention that the extra-hard hills are during the last 10m. And, there was never a course elevation profile posted, unless I just couldn't find it. A cruel, cruel trick. So, since the course was an out and back, and the hills were at the beginning (then it was flat for the middle section), there were obviously hills again at the end. Those last 8m? Torture. 7mph, snail up the seeming-mountains, torture.

(To be fair, Travis did warn me about the bike course, but I choose to ignore his advice. I'm full of smarts as usual, eh?)

So of course I was happy to get going on the run. I don't really mind running in a triathlon. Sure, my legs are tired, but overall, they're just so happy to be done with the pedaling, that they'll run wherever I tell them to. Not that it was easy, mind you. I ran a 2:19, and I should be able to finish in closer to 2 hours. But, I was still okay with the run, because I did actually run the vast majority of the course. I walked through some aid stations (there were 17! on the course), and up one hill, but other than that I was running, even if not very fast.

The race was very well organized. I guess that's because it was an official 70.3 race. You get what you pay for, eh? They treated it like an IM, with a special needs bag and lots of food at the run aid stations. When they talked about it at the pre-race meeting, I thought it was a bit excessive, but during the race I realized it was good, especially for people doing their first half.

My only complaint is that the course wasn't all that pretty. Maybe I've just been spoiled by riding through Vermont and France and California, but New Hampshire is a beautiful place too; it seems like they could have found a better route than a bunch of highways...

On the other hand, the lake where we swam was beautiful, and the run wasn't bad at all. Of course, by the time you're running, you don't care much about the view, but there were definitely some nice ones out there.

So, overall, I was happy with the race, and I'm SO glad I did it.

And here we go...Welcome back to endurance racing, Curly Su. I realized I haven't done an endurance tri since France last year. A marathon, sure...but it's obviously just not the same.

So of course, I have a bunch of new goals. I want to cut some significant time. I just barely broke 7 hours (6:54:07), and I would like to get that down to closer to 6 hours. I think if I work hard enough (and pick a relatively easy race), I can even break 6. I can cut at least 5 minutes off of my swim without much effort. And then, the bike should obviously be MUCH faster...with some real work, I hope to be able to cut more than a half hour off of my 3:46 bike time. And then if I can run a 2:00 half instead of a 2:20, I'll have the 6 hour goal. I should be able to do it. I just have to actually train, and train with some speed instead of just winging it like I do with way too much lately.

I won't be satisfied until I know I've done my best (even if semi-failure does lead to disappointment, i.e. my LA Marathon), so I might as well give it my all now instead of just talking about it for the rest of my life.

And, this race also gave me a new IM goal. I want to break 14:00. Of course, just completing an IM is huge, but I've done that already, and it's about time to get to the next level. I know now that I CAN just 'do' a Half IM; but that's not what it's about. (And not advisable considering that my whole body feels like one big bruise this morning.)

Instead, It's about pushing yourself and knowing that you just did something you never thought possible. So that's what I'm going to do.

Ready? I am.

Cold as a Witch's Tit

So when I was typing that title, I realized I didn't know how to spell witches. Witchs'? Because it is, indeed, possessive? Or, witches? Because that's what doesn't get a little red spell check line?

Either way, it's freaking cold here in Gilford, New Hampshire. Yesterday I wore shorts and a T-shirt...and was perfectly comfortable, even a little hot at times. I was warm last night in my tent and sleeping bag and I slept really well.

But this morning? We're talking in the low 50s here, and there is no sun. And it's windy.

And so I really feel for the people doing the short course today, but even more so...I REALLY hope it's a little warmer out tomorrow. Cause my fingers can barely type due to frostbite (yeah, wireless at a campsite; hilarious, eh?).

Or, if it can't be warmer, then PLEASE NO WIND. I don't do well with the wind. Unless it's helping me. But unless the gods are with you 100%, it's virtually impossible for the wind to be helping you both ways. And I'd rather no wind than having to fight it half the time.

But alas. I have no control. And so I'm just crossing my fingers and toes and knotting my hair and hoping hoping hoping that the wet-suit and long sleeve biking shirt I have are going to be enough. Because I'm not really prepared for anything else.

If it doesn't seem to be getting any better, I'll get something to wear at the expo today. But I'd rather not because my bank account isn't really happy with the summer of no work.

IN ANY CASE. Cross those fingers for me for a slightly warmer day tomorrow, and maybe wish me a little luck too if you have time. 70.3 miles isn't anything to joke about and I'm a little nervous; I'm gonna need some help out there...

Villa Lobos Duet for Flute and Bassoon; The Last Concert of the Summer

Maybe a little bit cryptic

It's amazing. I'm not depressed anymore. I don't know when or how it happened, but the insane obsession that was possessing me before is just gone. Phone calls, emails...they don't phase me.

I'm happy. And I can see other people and I miss other people and yes, I realize what I gave up.

I regret so many things. But, I'm trying to believe that things happen for a reason and everything will end up as they should.

There isn't really any other way to survive yourself, is there?

Regardless, now I'm happy. Now I'm able to see so much every day, and I'm not a slave to the cell phone or certain times of the day, and for god's sake...I actually feel like myself.

It's such a big lesson to learn...to experience the shell of you, so you know for sure you don't want to be that. You want to be the whole thing, the shell, yes...but also so much more. The inside, the sound of the ocean in your ear, both the yolk and the white.

Now I'm complete. Not that I'm in any way satisfied. I still have a hunger for so many more things in my life, and that's good. To not become satiated; this is the way to live and to keep living.

But I am the complete me. I am able to grin at people on the street just because, and I look forward to getting music in the mail, and I sign up for races because it's now a part of who I am.

And so the experience was necessary for an all-or-nothing person like me. I understand so much more, and so many things will never happen again.

So, I'm grateful. I'm angry still, but I should be. The important thing; though, is that I don't forget. The important thing is that I remember who I am now and who I was then, and to especially remember who was there for me even if they should have ran screaming in the other direction.

I can wish it never happened and I was already living the life I imagine for myself in the future (because maybe that would be the case), but wishing generally doesn't get one very far.

So, for now...I'm just so grateful that I wake up content each morning, and that I still have wonderful people in my life, even after being completely impossible to deal with for such a crazy amount of time.

One especially wonderful person that will always be my best friend and so much more, and then the many others who have become increasingly important to me as the days change colors and the leaves get dark earlier.

For once in my life, following someone else's advice...

So, because of you guys...

1. I'm doing the triathlon.

2. I'm not thinking about the boy.

Thank you.

Into the wilderness

Yesterday, I re-sent my sister off on the Appalachian Trail with her friend Ezra (she had stopped in the cabin overnight to take a shower and have a real meal). I admire her; I don't think I could do it. Little sisters grow up after all, eh?

Blech

So I met this guy at a party.

And I talked to him for a long time. And I really liked talking to him, and it was obvious he liked talking to me too. He even made sure I was the right age.

And then something happened and he turned off. Maybe it was because he smoked up, or maybe it was because I didn't, or maybe his sister said something to him about me being too dorky for him, or maybe I said something wrong...

But there was definitely something. And I hate that 2 days later I'm still thinking about it. Who cares, right? I mean, I don't particularly want to date someone who smokes a lot (and he did because he had his own stuff), so it really doesn't matter at all.

But the thing is, I just kind of liked him. I don't know why, but I did. I even found him very attractive, and to be honest, I'm pretty freaking picky.

And I wonder what went wrong. It's fine; obviously, if he didn't want to ask for my number, then I don't want him to have it. But still...I just wonder...and I wonder when I won't have to wonder about this crap anymore.

And I don't want the sympathy or the 'it'll happen when you're happy by yourself' or the 'when you stop looking for it, it'll happen'...all that stuff is fine and good and to a certain extent I believe it.

But then on the other hand? I'm just sick of it all and I really, completely don't want to deal with more meetings-of-the-opposite-sex.

Blech. That's all I've got to say about it. Blech. I'd be ready to turn in the towel, but the truth is that I'm not ready...I've still got more fight in me, which is good, I suppose...

But goodness. Blech.

Transitioning Again

As I've previously mentioned, I really don't like transitions. In triathlons, they're just fine.

But in life?

I'm not so great at them. Yeah, they're necessary to get from point A to point B, but beforehand and during and even right afterward...I just feel kind of sick to my stomach.

And I start doubting myself and what I can do and what the hell I'm doing.

Here's the crux (because there always is one):

I have a Half IronMan this weekend. I'm not ready.

I can finish it, but I'll suffer.

I'm doing it by myself, and I'm planning on camping out while I'm there. I have a tent, but I'm not even sure I know how to put it up.

And so I've just starting thinking...why? I could save myself a lot of discomfort by just taking the weekend to slowly drive back to New Jersey and then fly back to Louisiana on Monday.

I don't need to do a race that I haven't properly trained for; I paid for the race and I said I was going to do it, but what good can come of it, really? I can pace myself through the day and finish just to finish, or I can cash in my chips and admit that I dropped the ball training-wise this summer.

I'm not quite giving myself enough credit here. I ramped up the swimming and running and I'm completely comfortable with Half Iron distance with both of those disciplines right now. Easily. But biking? I've been on countless 20 and 30 mile rides, but only 1 50 miler. And nothing over that.

So what should I do?

There is definitely something huge inside me that wants to just do the race...because I can and because it's on my plan and it'll make me feel good to finish it, even if I don't go into it as prepared as I can be.

But of course, there is also the side of my that admits defeat; that acknowledges that I once again haven't ridden the bike enough, and that I should be punished for that. I shouldn't go and do a half-assed race...if I can't do my best, I shouldn't do it.

And I go back and forth all the time, and I can rationalize either decision. I won't hurt myself from doing the race; I'll probably have fun. But, I won't do very well there, and the process of getting down to Louisiana will be a lot tougher. (I'll have to drive 6 hours to New Jersey right after the race on Sunday to then fly down on Monday.)

Maybe the indecision comes from the fact that I'm in no-mans land right now with no set plans...I do better with everyday decisions when I'm in the grove, when I feel at home. I love Vermont, I love my family's cabin, but summer is dragging on now, and I'm ready to get my 'real' life back...the one where I have my own apartment and my own job and I take care of myself and have things I need to do. I love having all the time in the world, but sometimes all the options get confusing and then I'm stuck not being able to anything. I get overwhelmed with the freedom and I'm immobilized.

Nonetheless, I've had a wonderful summer. I did do a fair amount of training here in the mountains of Southern Vermont, and I loved the music festival. I'm working on getting the music posted up here; I was proud of most of the concerts. There were ups and downs within the chamber groups, but after 6 weeks of working everyday with a group of people, that's definitely to be expected. And all in all, I'm so glad I came here. I met some awesome people and had the opportunity to play some great music. I can't really complain, right?

And so this post has rambled into so many different directions, but I guess I had a lot to say. It's been a while; the last week at the music festival was insanely busy. They kept us going until the last second; I packed hour before we had to leave.

Anyway, less than a week here in my cabin in the woods, and then triathlon or no triathlon and then going home for a couple weeks before school starts. And yes, I'm excited to be back. The garden state awaits this newly minted Jersey Girl.

New Name

I don't know if I'm alone here or not, but I really hate the word 'blog'. There's something about the word that sounds stupid, that makes me embarrassed when I talk about it. It's not the actual function of the thing. I love the idea of being able to write and take pictures and play music and have it all instantaneously available to the world. That's awesome.

But the word for it all? It's just kind of nauseating.

So I'm thinking. I'm trying to come up with a new name for what we do. Something that's obvious and doesn't need to be explained, but also something that has a positive ring to it.

Any ideas?

I admit I haven't come up with anything yet. And so maybe that means that the word 'blog' was created because there isn't much else better. But...I'm convinced there has to be.

So maybe I'm the only psycho out there that feels this way, but maybe not. And so if anyone agrees with me, feel free to input your ideas. We've got an Lucky-jean-style easy-access bandwagon right here at our fingertips. If we come up with the right phrase, it would without a doubt catch on.

Of course, the pundits might ask, whatever happened to just believing in what you're doing no matter what it's called? Who really cares what the damn thing is named as long as the content is good? I agree. I love the blogosphere and I love everything that goes along with it. It's probably too late to change the name.

But admit it...when you talk about blogs to the public at large, there is just something weird about the word. People turn off and you can tell your credibility has just diminished. And so for the good of our little world within a world, and just in case we stumble across genius, I just have to put the request for a different label out there.

Because, if this whole crazy society of blogs and the internet and cell phones and everything else is possible, then for sure anything can happen.

More than you probably ever cared to see...

Last Saturday, I played with some friends at an Arts and Crafts Fair here in Manchester, VT. We played Mozart and Hayden for an hour and a half and earned $60 in tips, and the fair gave us each $200 and free lunch. Not bad, eh? If only I had that every weekend, I'd never have to work again...

Here are the pictures my dad took. Yes, there are WAY too many...feel free to shut the browser before you've seen all of them--you get the idea after the first 200...

Me being totally, completely vain and prancing around pretending to be a model...

This is the hammock that breaks every year due to little boys pretending they can fly...

Relieving Stress

This morning, I went for a quick 3 mile run, with plans to swim later in the day.

Then my chamber group exploded and the end of the 6 weeks really can't come soon enough. Long story VERY short, rehearsal disbanded and all of a sudden I had an extra 2 hours.

And so I could have practiced; I could have blogged; I could have bought my plane ticket home.

But none of those things would have made me feel any less crazy; I still would have felt like a violin string wound too tightly.

So when I realized I still had my running clothes in my car, I opted for another run. The clothes were used already, and getting into a damp-with-sweat sports bra wasn't really my idea of fun.

But the 5 miles I ran, FAST, falling downhill and then charging back up--that was fun.

I got back in time for my next rehearsal, possibly more drenched than ever before (but that's probably not true because I think that every time I sweat profusely). I'm not sure the other players enjoyed my post-run appearance, but it was worth all the aghast looks.

It was a run than calmed my mind along with pushing my body. It was a run that was hot, hilly, and hard...but when I was done the thoughts stopped circling and the anger was gone and the indignant manner had dissipated.

I admit I was a little out of it in my rehearsal; I think my blood sugar was low because I couldn't seem to focus on counting rests or playing my part and I was definitely a bit out of control playing-wise.

So, I suppose the mid-day run isn't the cure-all for the work day stress vs. productivity dilemma, but it definitely helped me today. If I hadn't gotten outside this afternoon, I possibly could have played a bit better, but I also might have said things I shouldn't, and not having that kind of mistake on my shoulders is worth a few missed entrances.

I feel lucky that I have this; lucky that I'm able to run and work things out in my head and lucky to have the alone time and especially lucky that I can make my body hurt so that my brain doesn't.

And the swim? I did that too, after my rehearsal as planned. It wasn't long; just 2000 yards, and much of it was spent dodging toddlers who had snuck into the lap lane because it's really fun to do that. But, I still did the distance and I got to eat my pie justifiably.

My body is sore and my head is quiet and there is a smile on my face.

It doesn't get much better than that, does it?

The Party, and Berry Picking

when it hurts to wish others well

Phil got a job with the Hong Kong Symphony for the next 6 months. He'll be leaving in just a few short weeks. He just came to Vermont to see me for the last time.

I can't even begin to explain my feelings about this. I'm so happy that he has this opportunity that could really turn into something huge, something life changing.

But it's going to change my life too...and not in a way I want. Maybe it's weird that he and I have continued to be so close in the past year and a half that we haven't been dating, but regardless, we've still talked on the phone multiple times every day. I believe the only days we didn't talk was when I was in Europe.

And so much has changed since then. I now can't imagine him not being part of my every day life.

And I already miss him so much. Hugging him goodbye felt like I was giving up a bit of myself.

Sometimes, a lot of times, I feel like we should be dating; we should just get married and stop wasting time.

And I could visit him in Hong Kong next semester and we'd talk all the time no matter the price and things would be great.

But then I'm afraid something bad will happen and I'll hurt him again, or he'll hurt me...and I'm scared to try, especially when he's about to move across the world, all too literally.

And so we've decided to just wait and see what happens with his job and see how we deal with the 6 months apart and discuss everything when he gets back...assuming he comes back.

I know that's the intelligent, sane decision, but...

What if I lose him because I'm too proud, too stuck to insist? Maybe I just need to put all of myself into making things work, and making them work now.

It's so hard to know; maybe the space is a good thing, and maybe I'll end up regretting it for the rest of my life.

There are no answers, easy or hard...and I wish I knew what to do.

Past the Solstice

It's been so busy here in Magical Music Land; I've been feeling like a chicken head running around with it's body cut off.

But, things are calming down; the 6 weeks are almost over; just 2 more and I'll be done here...

...and then only 2 weeks until I'm back in NJ and school starts again.

It's amazing how fast time goes, whether you're having fun or not.

A once endless summer is drawing to a close and my to-do list is still way too full.

I have my school and work schedule for next year and things are falling into place, yet thinking about starting the school year, I'm left with some kind of stomach-filling ambivalence instead of the heart-skipping excitement I once knew as the norm.

But that's okay; school is school and I'm 25 years old and there is no reason why I should still be excited to return.

In a way, it's good to want a change...it'll make me impatient to finish; it'll make me work to get my degree as soon as I can.

And soon enough I'll be done and I hope against hope that I can find a job in a university and then everything will be so much better. I want the stability. I want to play the flute; I want to make music, but dammit, I really freaking want to settle down and do all the things real grownups do.

I even want to have to figure out my own taxes and pay my own health insurance (those are the 2 things my mom still takes care of for me), and yeah, everyone wants the picket fence, but I'll be alright without it.

The ideal would be great, but I'll settle for normalcy, if such a thing exists.

And so as the days get shorter and the leaves begin changing color before they should, I'm happy that the seasons are moving forward yet again.

There isn't much option, so fighting is futile. And, I'm excited about the future, along with the road getting there.