Calm

I don't think my life is what you could call 'together'.

I'm still in school, with no real expectations of a worthwhile job after I finish. I go out on dates, but can't seem to be brave enough to try a relationship again. I have friends, but no best friends. I'm monetarily challenged. I have two flute recitals to give this year. I'm in shape, but I've also probably signed up for too many races and events this year; I'm a bit overwhelmed by the muscles my legs are going to have to find.

In other words, everything seems to be a bit out of control.

Yet somehow, despite all the seeming entropic chaos, I've managed to find an internal calm that had been missing over the past couple of years.

The side effects are great. I can sit through a three hour rehearsal without fidgeting and looking at the clock on my cell phone every 38 seconds. I can attend a two and a half hour class without covering countless pages with meaningless doodles and (bad!) sketches. I can do my reading and practicing without taking a break every 10 minutes. I can train without obsessing about everything that is wrong with me, not to mention the world at large.

I can concentrate, and I can experience things as they are now.

So, I know that things are far from perfect. But these things, they are getting better. This year is exponentially better than last, and I fully expect next year to be better than this one. I don't know when you can proclaim yourself 'healed', but I do know that I'm racing along the right course.

This internal calm I feel will soon project itself into my external world.

And so that's why I know I can handle everything that I've taken on. I know that the sense of peace I feel will take control and I'll be able to do everything I need to do. I will race and finish the IronMan, I will graduate with my Doctorate, I will (fill in the blank with the exciting thing in my life that I haven't publicized yet because I don't have the details confirmed).

And most importantly, I will be a good person.

That might all sound gag-me-with-a-spoon-(or knife, depending on which you feel would be better)-cheesy, but the cheese-factor doesn't make it any less true. I know that the second I overstep my capabilities, the calm will escape, and I'll be back to filling notebooks with nonsense and snapping at my mom over the phone.

Right now though, I have confidence that I'm on track. My heart and chest are settled, but I have the excitement of the unknown and the thrill of possibility pumping through every cell in my body. I'll keep putting myself out there, and I'll keep doing the things I love to do. After all, you can't do too much of what makes you, you...