Sometimes I feel like there is no one in the world who really cares.
I don't mean the pity filled, 'Nobody likes me, Everybody hates me, Guess I'll go eat worms', type of not-caring.
I mean the walking home from the library late at night, realizing that no one besides your mother has called you in the past 24 hours, thought that not only do you not receive calls anymore, but you also don't have anyone to call.
Maybe it's because I'm so good at pushing people away, insisting that I don't need anyone besides myself. Maybe it's because I can be a really big freaking bitch. Maybe it's because I'm not any fun anymore.
But sometimes I just get so scared, so scared that I'll never again have someone who loves me more than anyone else in the world, someone who thinks of me first when they leave a rehearsal or work or a doctor's appointment.
I don't know who I think of anymore, and that's probably a good thing for now. But sometimes...sometimes it's just really lonely. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to watch movies with me, but more than that...I wish I had someone to share my day with me. Sometimes I wish I had someone who really cared. It's not easy to find.
And then I start thinking about all that is bad in the world and all that could and probably will go wrong and I get scared on top of lonely...and then my heart starts hummingbird beating with hurt and all I can do is sit down.
It's not depression; it's just the fear of the unknown and the inability to control any of it. And, of course, it's a bit of anger at myself, and then sadness towards the world at large.
I'm not saying I'm upset because I don't have that perfect guy; the guy is not what is important. What's important, what I miss and I'm upset I don't have, is the relationship with the guy...the closeness and the ability to share.
Because, you can't have that with just anyone. It takes a lot of searching to find someone who will share with you, someone who really cares.
8 comments:
Don't lose patience. Don't rush it. Keep working on yourself. The caring person will find you. And remember: be careful about what you wish for... it could really screw with your training.
It looks like some things are not going good for you this week (shrinking bra size, people wasting YOUR time, and getting ignored). It even hurts me just to read it, it SUCKS!
Maybe call some friends and leave goofy messages for them. It might prompt them to call you. Just a stupid guy thought.
So, hoping I count for something, I read your posts every day because...well...I CARE A WHOLE HELL OF ALOT. No kidding here.
Consider this a message on your answering machine:
Hey Su, are you there? are you screening your calls? Pick up if you're there...I've been thinking about you. The leaves are beginning to change and fall is so beautiful. When the cool winds blow, I hear your beautiful flute music accompanying the rustle of the leaves and the swaying of the trees. Being outside this time of year is wonderful. I hope school is going good for ya. Keep in touch OK?
I, too am a faithful reader of you blog. I know it's not the same as having a friend to be there when things are difficult, but sometimes it's the little things. {{Curly Su}} Don't settle for anything less than your wildest dreams.
Bit of a lurker here (found your blog by way of Greyhound and Bold). I know it may not mean anything coming from someone you've never met, but you're not the only one who feels alone and has doubts. If it helps, you have people who love reading your blog, so you're definitely not alone (at least not in the virtual world)!
I feel ya, sister...
Jodi
As someone who has read your blog for a while, I can say that what you need is a single, male, 25 year old triathlete. Not sure where to find that or anything.
As others have said though - there are good weeks and bad weeks. There are days where it feels like nothing can be better, and days where you just want to run away from it all. Sometimes it's just a matter of mixing things up, changing routine and seeing different stuff.
I know what you mean...
But the thinman makes an excellent point. Just keep whittling away and at some point someone, who cares, will notice what you've made of yourself.
Life has a way of working itself out.
-Albert
i totally know where you're coming from. the lonely thing is something we all have to deal with.
don't settle for anything less than what you know you deserve. you're a fantastic person, and (this might mean more if i were a guy, but) i care about you a lot! so i hope that counts for something.
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