Transitioning Again

As I've previously mentioned, I really don't like transitions. In triathlons, they're just fine.

But in life?

I'm not so great at them. Yeah, they're necessary to get from point A to point B, but beforehand and during and even right afterward...I just feel kind of sick to my stomach.

And I start doubting myself and what I can do and what the hell I'm doing.

Here's the crux (because there always is one):

I have a Half IronMan this weekend. I'm not ready.

I can finish it, but I'll suffer.

I'm doing it by myself, and I'm planning on camping out while I'm there. I have a tent, but I'm not even sure I know how to put it up.

And so I've just starting thinking...why? I could save myself a lot of discomfort by just taking the weekend to slowly drive back to New Jersey and then fly back to Louisiana on Monday.

I don't need to do a race that I haven't properly trained for; I paid for the race and I said I was going to do it, but what good can come of it, really? I can pace myself through the day and finish just to finish, or I can cash in my chips and admit that I dropped the ball training-wise this summer.

I'm not quite giving myself enough credit here. I ramped up the swimming and running and I'm completely comfortable with Half Iron distance with both of those disciplines right now. Easily. But biking? I've been on countless 20 and 30 mile rides, but only 1 50 miler. And nothing over that.

So what should I do?

There is definitely something huge inside me that wants to just do the race...because I can and because it's on my plan and it'll make me feel good to finish it, even if I don't go into it as prepared as I can be.

But of course, there is also the side of my that admits defeat; that acknowledges that I once again haven't ridden the bike enough, and that I should be punished for that. I shouldn't go and do a half-assed race...if I can't do my best, I shouldn't do it.

And I go back and forth all the time, and I can rationalize either decision. I won't hurt myself from doing the race; I'll probably have fun. But, I won't do very well there, and the process of getting down to Louisiana will be a lot tougher. (I'll have to drive 6 hours to New Jersey right after the race on Sunday to then fly down on Monday.)

Maybe the indecision comes from the fact that I'm in no-mans land right now with no set plans...I do better with everyday decisions when I'm in the grove, when I feel at home. I love Vermont, I love my family's cabin, but summer is dragging on now, and I'm ready to get my 'real' life back...the one where I have my own apartment and my own job and I take care of myself and have things I need to do. I love having all the time in the world, but sometimes all the options get confusing and then I'm stuck not being able to anything. I get overwhelmed with the freedom and I'm immobilized.

Nonetheless, I've had a wonderful summer. I did do a fair amount of training here in the mountains of Southern Vermont, and I loved the music festival. I'm working on getting the music posted up here; I was proud of most of the concerts. There were ups and downs within the chamber groups, but after 6 weeks of working everyday with a group of people, that's definitely to be expected. And all in all, I'm so glad I came here. I met some awesome people and had the opportunity to play some great music. I can't really complain, right?

And so this post has rambled into so many different directions, but I guess I had a lot to say. It's been a while; the last week at the music festival was insanely busy. They kept us going until the last second; I packed hour before we had to leave.

Anyway, less than a week here in my cabin in the woods, and then triathlon or no triathlon and then going home for a couple weeks before school starts. And yes, I'm excited to be back. The garden state awaits this newly minted Jersey Girl.