I'm not weird. I think I'm basically normal. Average. Median intelligence, talent, and everything else. Yeah, I'm a good flute player, but it's really because I've worked my butt off. My ear is okay, but not great. My voice sucks. I still need music in front of me in order to play the flute.
But that's not the subject on which I was intending to write.
Do you ever wonder what really goes on in someone else's head? Whether what goes on in your head is 'normal' or not? I feel neurotic. Okay, I am neurotic. But, what are other people thinking? Do others have the same winding thoughts?
I think that, most of the time, I pass. I pass for a functioning member of society and people don't think I'm off balance.
But then sometimes...sometimes I just say weird things. Things I don't even really think; things that just pop out of my mouth without me intending them. It's usually in pressured situations where I'm not comfortable with my surroundings. Lessons. Parents' friends. Friends' parents, even. New people at school or people I haven't seen in a long time.
And you know what? It especially happens when I feel like the person doesn't like me or has the wrong impression of me. It's like I'm trying so hard to show that I'm different than he or she thinks that I in turn prove the exact opposite. It's as though I'm channeling their expectations and turn into someone I'm not. Someone I don't approve of, someone I don't particularly like.
It's not through a particular issue or subject, but just my general reactions. that just don't feel like who I am. But then, if that's the way I act...isn't that, by default, who I actually am?
Sheesh.
And you know the hilarious thing? I seriously doubt anyone spends their time thinking about who I am or what I'm like. I'm making an issue out of a non-issue and perpetuating wrong impressions through my own psychosis. It's weird, right?
And so that's when I wonder what other people think about. Just how weird is all this stuff? If it's really odd, then that would be interesting to know, because then it would give me justification for feeling so out of place in this world so much of the time.
But if it's normal...then it would perhaps make me feel a bit more at home instead of always existing inside my own little head.
10 comments:
Judging by the self-help book racks, it's common enough to make for a big market!
As to reflecting wrong impressions, one aspect may be focusing on *not* being something/acting some way. Focusing on *not* acting some way requires you to commit a fair amount of attention to that undesired state. Our actions often follow our attention, hence much better to focus on what we want than what we don't want.
Yeah, we may always be introverts, but we needn't be such *self-conscious* (i.e. focused on how we may appear to others) introverts. I might know a little bit about that. ;-)
I could totally have written that. I am trying really hard lately to just be me, and not care about all the other stuff. It isn't easy, but it seems to be working.
lol. fo ryou and me...
its normal.
but to the the rest of the world...
maybe not.
;)
First off, you are never alone. There are too many people here for you to be the only to feel anything. This particular feeling however is actually pretty common based upon conversations with friends over the years. We all wonder what others see when they see us and if our actions make us look like something different then what we are. The trick (in my opinion) is to realize that people's perception of us is shaped by their experiences and personality and that is something we cannot control at all so accept and move on. And when you learn to do that let me know so you can teach it to me :-)
I certainly hope it's normal! With me it's almost always with women my age that I don't know well. I blame it on growing up with 3 brothers. I definitely feel like a huge uncomfortable idiot more than occassionally.
Jodi
I think Oprah did a show on that very thing the one time I saw her show about a year ago. (Not that I don't LOVE her - I actually do; I just don't get to watch her much).
I think inately our brains steer us toward "getting along" or having "people like us" so that as a society we can feel safer in a greater number.
My goal? I just try to be who I am, knowing that not everybody is going to like me. If I feel like I'm out of my element or not "fitting in" in a situation, I just try to talk less and listen more. If I still don't like the people I'm talking to I'll just meander away to go find more like-minded conversation somewhere else.
You are so unbelievably normal. Or at least if you're abnormal, you and I share the same pathology. I alternate between knowing that people will value me for just the way I am and yet wondering how to change so that I will fit in.
When I worked as a personal trainer several moons ago, most, if not all, of my female clients were petrified to go train in a gym.
"I feel like people are always staring at me and I don't look like those young girls with the double-Ds and skimpy suits."
Most men would admit the same if you could ever get them to open up about it...well, maybe not the double D part, just replace those with some dude's big arms.
I gave them this tidbit of advice gleaned from having spent countless hours in the gym: Yes, people do stare at you and they are sizing you up. But, it's only for a moment.
Everybody ALWAYS checks everyone else out. Then they move on.
Yes, they're making a snap judgment about your appearance. But it's just that, a snap judgment.
I believe the same goes for outside the gym.
After a while, you realize that the depth of their evaluation is completely surface and you BOTH just move on.
It is what it is.
hak / john
In this day and age of living in an eggshell society you finally have to stand up and say "enough" . Stop worrying what others think. Remember, likes attract likes. So, the kind of people who will be drawn to you are the people most like you. They won't judge and will find humor in the quirks you possess. they won't be laughing at you, they'll be laughing with you and they'll let you know it's okay to laugh at yourself. If people are judging you by some off the wall silly comment that you didn't really mean, do you want those people around you? The poeple who matter are the ones who know a non sensical comment when they hear it and laugh - with you.
Nah, you're not weird. Or, if you are, then we're both loony. (Along with everyone who's commented so far as well!) I'm right there with ya, with all the strange winding thoughts and odd things popping out of your mouth at the most inopportune times. Human-ness I think.
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