You know when you get really mad? And things come out of your mouth that you don't mean? Or, actually...you might mean them, but you know you should never have said them out loud...
Because once put out there, they're impossible to take back.
And even when you know you've gone too far, you can't go back, so you feel badly. And because you feel like crap, you get even more mad and say more things you don't want put out into the universe.
And you see on the person's crumpled face how much you hurt them...but you just get righteous and then more angry and you start throwing keys around.
"Take the damn car. I hope you get into an accident."
And of course you don't want anyone to get in an accident, but you're just so freaking angry at how bad the situation has made you feel...there is so much that makes you feel bad on an everyday basis that there just doesn't need to be another catharsis.
And so she leaves with a tear stained face, saying that only her friends understand her.
It's not true. I understand her; that's why I get so mad. We're so different, but then so much alike at the same time. I'm brown and she's blond, but with the same cheeks and voice.
And she's younger; she looks up to me, and I was a complete and total bitch and said really cruel things...and I do feel horrible.
I am sorry. But I can't say it out loud.
I was in the wrong; I took it too far. I was really freaking hungry; I was frustrated with so much more than just her, and she took the brunt. She took the blame because she's family and because she was there and just because I was probably ready to explode regardless.
I just can't say any of it out loud. It's too hard.
We've gotten in fights before, but perhaps none so detrimental. I would take it back if I could.
And so, sis...I am very sorry. You were obnoxious, but I was out of line.
You don't read this, but if you did, I really want you to know that I'm sorry. I love you and I like you and you're my friend. Thanks for sticking up for me so many times; I promise to do better for you next time.
7 comments:
Wow, I think we've all been there (and me recently). I don't know what it is about stress that makes us take things out on those we care for the most. The only fortunate thing about that is they are the ones who are the most willing to forgive.
Jodi
yeah. we've def'ly all been there. done that.
but jodi's, right.. we take it out on those we love, and those who love US, most... because they're the ones who are there. no matter what.
i can't speak on the sister thing.. i'm an only child. but things will turn around. with time... she probably just needs time!
good for you for putting it all out here for god and everyone to read! oh the things i've said to my DAUGHTER. I can TOTALLY relate. I've thought I was the worst person on the planet. and yes, it always happens when i'm hungry/tired/stressed/blogging/
tryingtoblog/tryingtorun/fillinthe BLANK!
you CAN say i'm sorry. honest. even if it's only in an e-mail.
you're a good person.
Definitely- my poor P.
It's a really honest post, and I'm sure she understands, even though she won't read it.
I am sorry if I am totally out of line saying this, but you probably do need to tell her this. So many relationships go bad (even family) because of misunderstandings and and unresolved fights. Even if you daon't say you're sorry, at least give her a hug so she knows that everything is ok. Just my uninformed opinion
it's something about maintaining your older sister seniority. saying sorry will just admit to your mistake, and that is so difficult. i too have a little sis and reading your post sounded oh so familiar.
Rethink your apology to her...try it in words that you verbalize - to her face. My sister and I wasted 6 years of not speaking. I really missed her. I am lucky nothing happened to make it impossible to repair things. If something had happened to her and I didn't get to tell her how much I love her, that would have been impossible to deal with. BTW - it WAS all her fault. ;)
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