I did my last mile of intervals at a 7:20 pace today. Yeah, that's right. I was burning up the treadmill and astonishing fans far and wide.
Argh! Why do I always feel the need to make fun of my running?
Why can't I just say (without mockery) that I'm proud I finished up my workout with a pace that I never thought I'd ever see?
I'm proud.
There, I said it.
Cause I am. Proud. I am proud.
I think it's because I always feel the need to be the best, and if I'm not, I just kind of want to hide the fact that I do it. But, I acknowledge that's ridiculous. So, resolution:
Don't put yourself down so much. The constant self-degradation crap is not funny and it's actually kind of annoying. Even to me.
And about resolutions (since they seem to be such the topic these days)...
The weight thing is constantly on everyone's mind, huh? Even us triathletes have to deal with it all the time. Or maybe, it's especially us triathletes. In any case, it's there. Just today, I believe I read 4 posts about it. It's there in society. It's there in family, friends, colleagues. It's just part of who so many of us are.
Over the past week or so, I've been flipping out because I felt like I'd been gaining weight this break. And so today I finally broke down and weighed myself. And you know what? I had gained weight. A whole pound and a half. Obviously something to be hiding under the table sobbing about. Geez, it's pathetic. I had to laugh out loud at myself right there in the gym. Sometimes we all just need to chill out, take a chill pill.
Why can't I enjoy the fact that someone is cooking for me for a while? Enjoy the holidays...eat, drink, and be merry. Gain a couple pounds perhaps, but then go back to normal life and you'll lose it.
Why is that so hard to accept?
Maybe it's the standpoint of someone who used to be overweight. I was never fat. Just, kind of overweight...by about 20 pounds. I was curvy. Very curvy. So, maybe it's because I previously got to that heavier point without realizing it on the way. It really felt like I woke up one day and had love handles and a lot more than an hourglass figure...
So maybe I'm scared that's going to happen again.
But, my lifestyle is completely different now. I exercise. I'm conscious of what I eat. I'm a triathlete, for G-d's sake.
But that previous mindset of a girl who was looked over by boys at parties, of a girl who wanted to have a pillow across her lap when she was sitting on a couch (so that her belly was hidden), of a girl who felt like everything would be perfect 'if only I was 10 pounds lighter'...well, that mindset is hard to break.
But, I'm working on it. Working on it, just like I'm working on so many other things. But hey, knowing is half the battle, right? And at least I now have moments of enlightenment where I can just breathe and be happy about who I am and how I look. Those are important moments to have, and I firmly believe they'll be coming more and more often.
So for the next week? I'm going to enjoy my dad's cooking and smile at my little belly. In a way, it's kind of cute...
13 comments:
If you ever feel ashamed of your belly just email me and I will send you lots of pictures of my donut ;) David gets so mad because I always zoom in on it in pictures of me.
I think most of us know how you feel.
Hope you enjoy the food and just work a bit harder the next few weeks to lose any guilt over it.
You should be proud of that pace. I would be.
It is so easy to fall back into the habit of disliking your body, no matter what size it is. You seem like a confident woman who knows she is much more than just a size on a clothing tag.
You come out from under that table, girl. You're talking to a mama who's hefting EIGHT, (8, VIII) extra pounds. Argh. Yes, I too live for the "moments" of enLIGHTenment. I have work to do in many areas!
hey, i ran the same pace today!
(um, except it was only for 1/4 miles...)
1.5 lbs? I can gain that much just looking at a piece of cake.
Great job on the treadmill. Go on be proud.
you are a Speed Racer!
say it loud and proud!!
Congratulations on the great pace!
I also very much appreciate your words on the weight issues. You did a great job putting it all in perspective and I appreciate and agree with your comments.
That's an awesome pace! Intervals are your friend. And if you keep up the winter season with good solid base work (read low heart rate) and the once a week speed work, you'll find yourself getting faster and faster.
It's no different than the flute. If you practice what you want to improve, you'll see the changes.
And don't worry about a pound. I saw Grey's pictures. And seeing I've spent time with him in person, it's easy to appreciate how in shape you are.
oh yes you gotta eat when you're at home, that's the best :)
You have the insight of someone 30 years older than you are. Great timing for an important and familiar topic!
Jenny
p.s. - life IS good!
you said it sweetheart! i was never fat either, just a few pounds overweight. but the way i trip over my body sometimes...i finally gave up when i was in cali last week. gave up watching food intake (well, mostly) AND working out. and i lived!
ps good for you on bad man out of your life. v. v. good
Congratulations! Totally understand the fear. And the being looked over. Hope you have lots more of the good moments!
A pound and a 1/2? Um this is why I don't own a scale. You run a PR mile(congates), and then obsess over a glass of water. I am finally happy with my weight. the last thing I need to do is go scale hopping.
Post a Comment