It's interesting

how you think you want one thing...and then it doesn't happen and it doesn't happen and you're miserable...and it still doesn't happen...and then all of a sudden you're not miserable and you realize that it's a probably a good thing it never happened...you probably didn't really want it anyway.

so why all the misery? why is the horrible process necessary? i'd love to be at the point where i can just accept what i have and what i don't have and trust that the right things will come to be.

i just can't help but be scared that i might have taken a wrong turn somewhere...and that i DID need that one thing to happen...and now that it didn't (i screwed it up somehow), i'll never again be okay.

but, i'm happy now. i like where i am and i'm not pining for something i don't have, qualities i can't posess.

so, trust in the universe.

i recently talked with a professor about faith. he said the opposite of faith would not be doubt, but would instead be certainty. because, if you're certain, then there is no need for faith. faith is the belief, the trust, in what can't be certain.

i like that.

i did hills yesterday. 8 of 'em. today i ran to my doctor's appointment and back. tomorrow, i'm taking off before my 12 miles on saturday.

training is going well. school is going well (i like my classes--i've NEVER liked my classes). the flute is going well. i have friends. i just ate an entire pot of couscous.

things are looking up, finally (it's been a freaking year and a half).

trust in the universe. bad things happen to good people (to quote a book title), and you have to steer your own path in the world...but trust that things will work out--it's almost impossible to enjoy life without it.

i'm so incredibly glad that [for now] i can see that. (and what really matters besides the present, the now-time, anyway? you can plan for the future and imagine everything you could possibly want from the world, but when and where are you actually living? right here, right now... and that's all.)

i know the feeling of peace won't be permanent, and i'm actually okay with that. life is cyclical and even though you are constantly learning and growing, sometimes you have to figure out the same things over and over again. so i'll discover all of this again someday, and i'll once again be happy to have figured it out. there's nothing wrong with that.

i'm going to register for wildflower. i don't know if i'll end up being able to go (freaking expensive plane flight, getting my bike there, etc), but i do want the option. so, count me in. the worst that happens is that i lose my registration fee. so, here's the question...the half or the olympic...?

Disposable Society

Last night, I finally got my computer back. Yes, it's been 6 weeks. It's been so long I've gotten used to living without one...

I check my email in the library (their poor computers have probably had their life-span significantly reduced from my usage alone), and have actually been way more productive when I'm actually at home.

And umm...I've been using the Macs at the library, and I have to say I like them better. Yikes, I can't believe I just put down. I've always been a staunch PC-lover. (This is funny--I googled 'make your PC look like a Mac', and there are pages of information on what skins to download, etc...)

Regardless, I'm still pretty damn pumped to have my own computer again. But. IT'S NOT FIXED!!!! I mean, it works now. I don't get the dreaded 'Blue Screen of Death' anymore, and the internal modem is once again functional. However...it still takes about 10 minutes (not exaggerating here, people...) to boot up, and the whole system just runs at the most ridiculously slow speed...it's so slow I can't even attempt to make a comparison. It's really freaking slow.

The Geek Squad's explanation? 'Well, it's a year and a half old. That's what happens.'

A year and a half? That's old??? This computer cost $1,500...and now I'm supposed to be getting a new one every year? Not even to maintain top of the line status, but just to keep the damn thing functioning? That's crazy.

They build these things to break within 2 years. It's the same thing with cell phones...they break just as your contract is about the run out so that you have to sign another 2 year contract to avoid paying hundreds of dollars for a new cell phone. ARGHHHH!

It's totally insane, and on top of that--a horrible waste of money.

Okay, that's the end of my soap-box rant.

I'll deal with my computer being slow. I just won't reboot it...ever. And if I have to, I'll just leave the house while it's attempting to come back to life so that I don't have to watch the excruciatingly slow process. And the next computer I get (not any time soon, despite Mr.GeekSquad's despairaging comments)? It'll be a Mac.

Don't Travel (with deadlines) over the Holidays

If you don't need to be anywhere at a specific time, go for it. You might even benefit from being able to be bumped to a later plane.

But. If you have any sort of need to actually get to where you're going, don't tempt fate. Murphey's Law will be activated and you will not get to where you need to be. You will miss your connection. You will be stuck in an airport, trying not to panic. You will be exhausted and stinky when you finally get to your destination. The rest of the day will feel like you stepped into a well and can't get out. You'll go to bed as soon as you are done with your day, but won't be able to fall asleep (WHY???!). The next morning you'll still be tired.

Yeah, that's what happens. Don't try it.

(The vacation at home was awesome though--just what I needed...and definitely worth the madness of the return flight.)

Quest Undertaken

So, it's official. I'm going to do the Mardi Gras marathon. I'm going to break 4 hours. I'm signing up for the whole and my parents are going to do the half--my dad will run and my mom will walk.

I put together 14 week schedule (that's how long I have). It's perfectly tweaked to fit my daily routine for the next few months. I'm including speed work, tempo runs, and some racing...I think it's ideal. I consulted a lot of different schedules and tried to combine the best aspects of all of them, taking into account any time or mileage limitations I might have.

The speed work is up in the air in that if I can't get to a track, I'll jump on the treadmill and get some 800's in--which might be preferable anyway (right, Greyhound?). The only thing the schedule is noticeably missing from what other schedules seem to include is the mid-week semi-long run. I think it'll be okay though, because the overall mileage ends up being pretty similar.

If anyone has any other suggestions though, I'm definitely open to them...

This morning I did my 3m at an 8 minute/mile pace...it ended up being 7:54 pace at the end, so it's not a bad start, eh?

I got 'em.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Home, Sweet Home (and a little bit of Philli)

I made it back to Louisiana in one piece. The trip actually went amazingly smoothly...all the planes, trains, and autos arrived on time--and even early in most cases. It was very un-John Candy-esque, but I'm not complaining.

My last day and a half in New Brunswick had been busy in every second from wake to sleep, so I'm just beginning to recover. Sleeping 9 hours last night helped a bit, of course.

My legs are starting to recover as well. I know it's only been 3 days, but I can't believe how sore I've been. It hurt to sit down, it hurt to stand up, the transition between the two was completely impossible, and going up and down stairs was avoided at all cost. Needless to say, I'm glad the pain is wearing off. I'm glad because being in pain kind of sucks, but also because I'm ready to go run again. Two days off and I feel like a sloth...

The race in Philadelphia is already starting to wane from my memory, so I had better get some of this stuff down...

The best part by far was seeing my family out on the course, having people there for me at the finish line. I've never had people waiting just for me, and it was just awesome. My uncles, grandmother, cousin, and dogs were at mile 6, mile 13, and then the finish...totally great.

The weather was absolutely perfect...high of 50, partly sunny, a slight breeze...

I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew I would finish, but I wasn't sure if it would take 4 hours, or closer to 5 hours...

I started out and felt good. My legs were properly tapered, and I just felt fresh. Remnants of Chicago-doubt came to mind though, and I made sure to keep the pace on the slower side of comfort.

The half marathon and marathon split at around mile 11, at which point my friend Albert caught up with me. He wasn't sure if he was going to finish the race (his longest run had been 14m--ack!), but he wanted to do more than the half...

It was awesome having him to run with. At times I felt like we were going slower than I could have gone, but towards the end it was worth every second. I was cheering him on, which actually helped me...I was concentrating on getting him through instead of thinking about my pain. We separated just a bit with a couple miles to go, and that was the only time I actually felt like the distance I was capable of was closing in on me.

The first half of the race was easy for me. The scenery was nice, and the terrain was perfectly varied so that just when you started to feel numb to your surroundings and your feet ached with repeated motion, there would be a little hill, or a jaunt into a zoo or park.

At the half, I calculated we would come in just under 4:14, so I was hoping to stay with that and break 4:15...but alas, we lost 4 minutes through the second half of the race. We walked through the water stops, which was probably necessary, but added 20-30 seconds onto every mile with aid.

The second half of the race is just one long out and back down Kelly Drive to Manayunk, and then back to the Art Museum. Some people have trouble with out and backs, but I really love them. I love seeing people coming towards me, and I love knowing exactly what I have ahead of me. Yeah, it can get daunting at times, but all in all, I like 'em. The turn around in Manayunk was at the VERY end of Main Street...The crowd support was great in Manayunk, and actually was awesome throughout the whole race. It wasn't like Chicago, but that was really too much for me. In Philadelphia, there were people out on the course the whole time, but it wasn't crowds of people edging into the road the whole time.

Around mile 18, I tried to take my second Gu. I couldn't find my preferred Rasberry Hammer Gels, so I was making due with the Tri-berry Gus. The first one at mile 12 went down just fine. I walked through the water stop and took the Gu slowly with 3-4 cups of water. Then...mile 18 came and I thought I should take another one. This time though, I didn't want to walk as long because at that point I was still hoping to break 4:15 and knew it would be close. So, I tried to get it down a bit faster. All was okay until the last big suck, when...(I don't know how to type the sound of throwing up)...let's just say it wasn't pretty. So, just Gatorade Endurance and water for the rest of the race, my stomach insisted...

As we turned around back towards the Art Museum, the wind was at our backs, which was a great relief. The wind wasn't that bad to begin with, but at 20m, every little bit helps. Through the last 10k of the race, I just ran from mile to mile, trying to concentrate on where I was instead of what was ahead.

The final 2 miles were hell. I counted down every minute and the only reason I kept going was because I knew that if I started walking it would simply take longer...and at this point I just wanted to be done...and my new goal of breaking 4:20 was in sight if I just kept my feet rotating.

As I came down the shoot, people started passing me and at first I let them because I was just in so much pain I only cared about getting past that line...but then I thought "HELL, no!" and sprinted to the end...and then promptly sat down right past the finish line where the volunteers had to politely move me out of the way so that other people could also finish the race.

My uncles found me right after I finished and took awesome care of me...they gave me clean clothes off their backs, tons of food, and most importantly...they were proud.

I had a great time racing in Philadelphia, and I would like to do the race again soon. Properly trained, I think this would be a very fast race for me. I said I wanted to do New York next year, but perhaps the year after that I'll go back to Philli?

The pictures are already up on the website, and it seems like some of them actually came out pretty well...but they're just so ridiculously expensive...and I can't figure out how to steal them at a functional size. I don't feel the need to print them, but it would be nice to have them at least saved on the computer. Oh well...they're just pictures of me running...I'm sure there will be many, many more...

Splits for those left brained crazies like me:
mile 1--9:52
mile 2--9:26
mile 3--9:29
mile 4--9:34
mile 5--9:20
mile 6+7--18:35
mile 8--10:03
mile 9--9:27
mile 10--10:11
mile 11--9:49
mile 12--10:25
mile 13--9:41
mile 14--9:36
mile 15--9:32
mile 16--10:32
mile 17--10:01
mile 18--10:32
mile 19--9:54
mile 20--10:17
mile 21--9:48
mile 22--9:45
mile 23--10:10
mile 24--10:05
mile 25--9:50
mile 26.2--12:27
marathon chip time--4:18:35, 9:52 min/m pace...right about in the middle of the finishers in my division.

So, it was actually pretty even, although the miles with water stops are painfully obvious. I'll have to figure that out...

Next stop, under 4 hours!

(remind me of that when I start saying I'm not doing any speed work...just tell me to get on the damn tredmill if I can't find anyone to run with me on the track...okay?)

28 hours and counting...

I've got an insane next day, so this'll be short. At 3 tomorrow afternoon, though...I'm on my way home to sunny Louisiana for a week. I'm ecstatic for the break...it's the time of year when you're just completely ready to wind things up, you know?

But! The race was awesome; I finished in 4:18:35. I was/am really happy with that. It is a PR by 10 minutes, and I broke the 10min/m barrier (my pace was 9:52). I knew breaking 4 hours was wishful thinking this time around--I did zero speedwork and on top of that, really shortchanged a lot of runs. It's actually encouraging though, because now I know that if I do put in the work, I can definitely meet some faster goals sometime soon.

Thanks to everyone for the birthday and marathon wishes. I had a nice weekend in Philadelphia, so they all worked!

Oh, and my computer is FINALLY ready at Best Buy, but I don't have time to pick it up before I leave. Grrr...it'll sit there for a week and be waiting (impatiently) for me next Monday evening...

More about the race/birthday once I get home!

Year in Review

I know this is something that most people do towards the end of December, but for some reason I've been thinking about all that has gone on this year. Maybe it's because my birthday is tomorrow, so I've been thinking about what has happened when I was 24...

In a way, it's been a long year. Then again, sometimes I can't believe the whole year has already gone by. I suppose that's always the way it is with time.

This year, I ran my first marathon, and if all goes well I'll run another one on Sunday. I rode a century ride, and then did 2 more. I completed my first Half Ironman, and then Ironman.

I went to Europe this year. I moved to a completely new place. I started school again. Hell, in a lot of ways I just plain started over.

This year, I broke someone's heart...and then got my heart broken.

This year, 2 of my best friends moved to London and my sister moved to Israel.

This year, I decided to quit playing the flute and become a lawyer...and then changed my mind again.

I had precancerous cells and had to have surgery this year.

I saw a therapist and took antidepressants for the first time this year.

This year, I have had lots of doubts--about who I was and who I will be. But, this year I also learned a lot about myself, something I'll continue to do as long as I am able.

It's been a hard year. But, I'm still here, and there are lots of years in the future. And, despite everything, right now (as I'm sitting here without panic in my chest for the first time in more than a year), I can truthfully say that I think it's been a good year. I'm looking forward to my 25th.

Ultra?

I know some people don't consider 50K races to 'count' as an ultra. But, in my world anything longer than a marathon is definitely fair game.

So, I'm considering the Huff ultra on December 30. I'm definitely going to wait until after Philadelphia to decide for sure, but I thought it might be a nice way to usher in the New Year...

How's that for a 'what's next' plan?

Past Lives

I don't think I believe in them. Unfortunately, I'm of the depressing belief that we're born and then we die, and there is nothing before or after. I admit it's a hard to concept to deal with, and I sincerely wish I could believe something more ethereal.

But, I don't want to get into all of that...it's definitely one topic (maybe the only one) that I don't want to talk about here.

So, onto what I did want to talk about...

The other day while I was working in the front office a professor came in and looked at me and said: "I can see your past life." Weird in and of itself, eh? Has anyone ever said that to you?

Then he went on to inform me that I was a fat, bald, jolly Chinese man who enjoyed eating.

He said we've all had thousands of lives by now and the important thing is to figure out why a certain life is showing itself in your aura at this point in time.

He said he thought the Chinese man was an example of someone who really appreciated where we was in the moment, and who enjoyed exactly who he was at that point in time. He said I should learn from that past life and not be so hard on myself and instead rejoice in who I am.

Interesting that he hit the nail on the head, don't you think?

I guess it wouldn't be too hard to figure out, considering that I walk around school looking like my dog has just died...so maybe he just made up the whole past life thing in order to make a point.

Regardless, I thought it was a nice effort on his part...and it even made me smile and accept what he had to say, even if only temporarily... (I'm trying for the permanency; it's just a little more complicated than one past life explanation can solve.)

Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Cleveland anymore.

I miss Cleveland, I really do. I miss knowing the streets like the back of my hand, I miss having friends to do my runs with, and I just miss feeling comfortable in my surroundings.

But.

I have to say that the weather here in the Northeast is just awesome in comparison. I know about the lake-effect and blahblahblah...but when living with it, you kind of just forget that there is another way of life out there.

Here in New Jersey, we've had 1 (one!) not-sunny day in the past...well, 3 weeks that I can remember. And maybe 1 other rainy day in the 3 weeks before that. And, I'm not just talking about a lack of rain...it's actually REALLY sunny out...and the sky is blue...almost all the time. It's bizarre. And I love it. Moreover, I'm thankful to Cleveland because people who are from here don't know to appreciate it.

They think my "It's too pretty to be in this office" comments are wacky, and they just generally don't necessarily see their surroundings.

I'm glad I've learned to appreciate mine.

(As a disclaimer to all of my loyal Cleveland readers, please understand...I'm not trashing Cleveland. There are tons of great things there, and I'd move back if I could...)

For Rhein.

4. Discuss your view of the definition of happiness as it relates to what you choose to do with your life.

Aristotle talks about happiness as it relates to your entire being--from your status in society to how successful you are in your chosen field. Happiness is not just a feeling, but is instead a quantitative quality.

I suppose this definition exemplifies why most of us chose music as a career...and why we measure said happiness by whether or not we have a job. So many musicians go through huge periods of their life completely miserable, thinking they will be happy with they finally land a gig.

Long ago, I came to realize that this is not the case. Yes, being successful in one's chosen path has something to do with being happy, but it definitely doesn't create happiness on its own. Why else would members of the Cleveland Orchestra still complain?

This realization though, can be hard to swallow. We have spent so much time thinking that the job was 'it', that now understanding that complete happiness will take much more can be quite overwhelming.

I believe this is where I am right now. I know Aristotle's definition is important...to be happy, you must feel content as a whole, not just in certain aspects of your life. However, just knowing that doesn't make me happy. In fact, I am definitely more unhappy now, as I realize how far I have to go.

Choosing music as a career is important to me. I love music and I cannot imagine my life without it. But, perhaps something else will ultimately win out career-wise, because a different choice could very well lead me closer to that level of complete happiness.

Another one bites the dust.

I did another long run. No, it wasn't a twenty-miler. But, I got in around 17 on Saturday morning, and I'm happy with that. Next weekend I'll do around 12 and then I'll be good to go for the marathon.

I bought SO many new running clothes. I got a little click-happy with the Nike site. Yikes. I had the marathon as an excuse, but I do believe I went a little (okay a lot) above and beyond what the marathon needs were. But, it's a good investment. I'll use them more than anything else I could spend my money on right now. Except maybe food.

My birthday is coming up though (the day before the marathon, actually), so I'm kind of just hoping that I'll get some monetary gifts. But even if I don't...it'll all be okay. And I'll look cute when my landlord kicks me out of the house for not paying rent.

I went into New York on Saturday and saw all the pre-race drama. It was pretty awesome to see the runners in Central Park. I wish I could have watched the race on Sunday, but I had a rehearsal and concert, so I didn't really have that option. Seeing it all set up made me want to do it next year.

Actually, what I really want to do is walk it with my grandfather. If you can believe it, he actually helped Fred Lebow start the race back in 1970. He was on the original marathon board and ran the first ever New York Marathon (in 3:02) when the course was just several loops around Central Park. Pretty cool, eh? He's 80 now, but he still walks every day for at least an hour, and I think it would be awesome for him to have a goal. I've talked to him about it and I can't get a firm answer...so that leaves me hoping!

But either way, I think I'll submit my name into the lottery next year.

And speaking of next...I realized I have nothing planned after the Philadelphia Marathon. I'm thinking about the Mardi Gras marathon, but I just don't know if I can stomach doing those long runs again so soon. On the other hand, perhaps making them part of my routine for the whole winter will really improve my running...we'll see how I feel after Philadelphia, I guess.

And then triathlon-wise (yes, I still have a bike, and I think I can remember how to at least float in the water), I think I want to do Wildflower again. The logistics and cost might make it hard, but I'm going to try. Otherwise, I guess I have to find a cool half-Iron on the East Coast. Any suggestions?

Oh, and I still don't have my computer back. I called today and they said it should be back by the end of the week...perhaps then you'll get more regular posting and even some pictures. Don't give up on me yet!

She Strikes Again.

Who is she?

"95% Su"

I'm a total 95%-er.

I do things. I do them well. But, I never really achieve that 100%. I always leave one corner undone, one run skipped. I cook, but don't take the time to chop things up finely enough. I read, but I read fast and I know I miss out on some detail.

So, what is it this time? I test that I didn't study for at all. (Okay, I went into the library 15 minutes before class and read over my notes.) We got the midterm back today and I got a...you guessed it...a 95.

The things that I missed were dumb. If I had stopped to think for even another second I would have known them. But even so, if I had just put in a bit more time into the preparation, I would feel better about the grade.

I'm not complaining about a 95.

I just get this funny feeling in my stomach. I shouldn't be getting A's because I don't deserve the grade. I don't put the in, and I should be graded accordingly. I wish I had gotten a C. That would have somehow made me feel better.

A side note about the test: The last essay question involved our definition of happiness in comparison to Aristotle's definition of happiness. We were supposed to write about the two, and then explain how both affected our choice in career. (Yes, it's a music class; the teacher just takes a unique approach.) I wrote what I thought was a really honest answer. I didn't think it was depressive or melancholy...just honest. The professor's response? He wrote on the top of the page: "Let's talk."

Okay. Does he want to talk because I sound like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown or does he want to talk because he thinks I brought up some interesting ideas? I'd rather the latter, but either way I'm not going to push this whole 'talk to my teacher' thing...it never turns out well.

Anyway, back to the 95% thing. I know 95% is good (as someone told me: it's inefficient to get anything over a 90% because you get the A regardless and you'd be better off putting the time into something else). But, I'm not really talking about getting a 95% on a test or in a class or anything else. I'm talking about the fact that I never quite put my whole self into anything...I always leave just a little bit of wiggle room.

Maybe it's because I'm afraid that if I do get to that 100% of my capability, I still won't be good enough for whatever it is I'm attempting (auditions? races? classes? friendships? relationships?). Or, maybe it's more benign: Maybe it's just because I get tired of something at around 95% and want to move on.

Regardless, it's definitely a personality trait. I don't know if it's a flaw or strength, but good 'ole "95% Su" is probably here to stay, funny feeling in my stomach and all.

Or, maybe not. Maybe the guilt-ridden tummy will win out in the end and I'll find something in which I can reach that 100%. That would be nice, I think. That feeling that you get when you absolutely know you put everything you've got out there...well, it's pretty awesome. Instead of a stomachache, you get a feeling in your chest. A proud, I did it! feeling, regardless of the outcome. You can puff out your chest and walk around like a king, because the fact that you did your best is all that matters.

But, in this world of ours, it's not all that matters. You have to get the A, or you don't get the scholarship, you don't win the audition, you don't get the job. And I guess that's kind of what bums me out somehow. I wish things worked just a bit differently...it seems they ought to.

I don't want to be able to get away with being "95% Su"...

So, I guess it's just my thing, eh? I have to be able to put in that last effort (which, by the way is often times harder than the first 95% combined). But, it's worth it, right? It's worth it to know inside that you are the best version of yourself. I'll try to remember that for the final...