Time and Space

I need some of it, just to be able to breathe.

I will come back, eventually. I just need some time and space. Right now I feel like there is so much pain wrapped up in this little space of mine that I can't breathe when I open a new page; I can't stand to post or not-post and it seems like escape is the only route out.

But of course, that isn't how life works. I promise to come back when I'm ready. I don't know how long that'll take (I sure as hell wish I did), but I'm sure it'll happen soon enough.

I just need a new perspective, a new vision of how things are (instead of how they should have been).

Thank you to everyone for your nice words and for putting up with me. I feel pathetic much of the time; that's another reason for the need-to-leave...I don't want to keep whining, but I don't know what else to say.

And as everyone's mother used to say..."If you don't have anything nice to say, well...shut your trap."

So, I'm choosing to shut that proverbial trap for the time being. It'll open soon enough; I've got to eat at some point, afterall...

Down and Out

There are many things that I don't say here for one reason or another. The things that are wrong, well...let's just say I haven't exactly been specific, but it's much more than just a transition thing or needing to go home. Maybe home will help, but it sure hasn't so far.

In any case, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm not going to post in this blog anymore.

Thanks for the past year and a half.

Breakdown.

I guess I never fully let on how badly I do sometimes...

I'm going home for a while in the morning...well, in 4 hours. Not to worry; I'll survive. Nothing a last minute, $600 plane ticket to the South can't fix, eh?

Actually, it is more than that could fix, but it's better than sitting around New Jersey by myself, so I'll take it.

Sorry I'm a nutball these days. I'm not really like this, I swear...

The other thing about fans

You know when you were little and you'd sit in front of a fan and talk into it, just to get that weird vibrating sound in your voice? You know, the one that makes you sound like a cross between ET and the kid from the Shining when he's saying 'Redrum, Redrum'...?

Well, that was all fun and good when you were a kid, but when you're trying to practice the flute (so that maybe, someday you can buy your own groceries and swipe your credit card without complete and total panic racking your entire body), and what you hear is some kind of mutated bird that obviously has been doing way too much crack...well...that's not the greatest. It kind of makes the practice time a little less efficient...less productive, if you will.

So, what's the alternative? I guess to turn off the fan and let the flute slide all over your bottom lip like it has gluestick glue on it? That's fine and all, but it tends to make me get out of tune. A little. Or a lot.

So I guess the other option is to go to my 'new' school and practice in the basement practice rooms there. And that's fine. But the thing is, practice rooms are depressing to me. Especially when there is no-one there and the rest of the hall is dark and quiet...and it's gorgeous outside...that results in my retarded line of thinking that goes something like this:

"Why am I here? I don't want to be playing scales"
"You're here because this is what you do. Get used to it."
"But, I'm not even that good anyway. I've just been fooling people. Anyone could do what I do. And blech, it's dark down here."

To which the other side of my brain has no answer, and I either just ignore my entire stupid thought process and keep going, or pack up with a tremendous feeling of guilt and take a walk outside and try to figure out what the hell I'm doing.

So yeah, maybe the school practice room thing isn't the best idea. Maybe it'll be better once more students are there...but for now...I guess I'm just going to try to point the fan in a different direction and hope that it still circulates the air in a manner sufficient enough to eliminate the glue...and put the poor little drug-abusing bird to rest.

This will probably sound really weird...

But I hate the feeling of air blowing on me. I hate fans. They irk me. The feeling of air being blown in a non-consistant matter just annoys the shit out of me.

But what to do when your air conditioner breaks and it's still kind of too hot to deal without a fan? You can either not sleep because it's too hot, or you can not sleep because your damn hair keeps tickling the side of your neck from the stupid fan.

It's not just fans. I hate air conditioners in cars too. I want to be the right temperature, but I don't want the air blowing on me. So, I make it a little too cold and then push the vents to the side.

It's weird, but it works in a car. So now what do I do about this whole sleeping thing? I just hope it cools down another 5-10 degrees before long...

In running news, I did my 'long' run on Saturday...it was a 12m, pretty uneventful run. I was slow. My stomach was yucky from eating MiniWheats beforehand, which I acknowledge was entirely dumb and I have no one to blame but myself. So, I did the milage without total pain, but I definitely didn't enjoy it. I overslept for the group run, so I had to do it myself. The group was coming back as I went out, which was frustrating, but I still felt good for being out there. It wasn't the best run I've ever had by about a million years, but it was the longest since France, and I was glad to be doing it. I miss Liz and Amie though; it was nice to have people who ran with me and got me out there at 7am.

Then yesterday, I just did a short run that didn't really count for much of anything except the fact that I was indeed moving my legs faster than they would be had I been walking. Today I'm going to try to find a track. A track workout by myself sounds like hell on earth, but I've done it before, and I have to start getting over this 'fear of doing hard workouts' by myself thing. My schedule calls for 5x800, but I might ask the people-who-know-better if I can do something more interesting...

Damn. I looked at that FIRST schedule everyone is talking about, and that's some hardcore stuff. I had no idea. It calls for a freaking 20 mile run almost every week after just a few weeks. I guess that's what you real marathoners can do, eh? I'm pretty content with my Hal Higdon intermediate workout that I doctored up to give me some cross training. I did 12m last weekend, and I just have to do 9m this week. Much better. After that I'm up to 14 and 15m, but that's still not anywhere near 20m...and it won't be for quite a while. I think I end up with 2 20 mile runs...maybe I'll add a 3rd if I'm up to it, but we'll see.

I'd like to break 4 hours this time, just because I know I can...but without a group to train with, I'm doubting my ability to get faster again. It's just so hard for me to push myself when I'm alone...I can get the miles in, but they're slow. slow. Really Freaking Slow.

We'll see. I guess it's not that important, eh? It's just that I really was making a lot of progress in the speed department last year, and it's kind of discouraging to see it die down. I know I could get there again, but I also remember how much work it was...and how a lot of times the only reason I went to workouts was so that I could go out to dinner afterwards with my friends...

School starts soon. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it, or completely and utterly dreading it. Maybe a little bit of both. If I'm going to be here, then I want to be in school, because I'm bored out of my mind. But, I guess I'd rather not be here at all. I know I need an attitude adjustment. I'm trying. I'll get there. I'll have to...or else I'll move...because there isn't much point in wandering around as a miserable fool all the time. That's one thing I'm completely positive about.

My friend from New York came down to visit me last night. I've known her since I was a freshman in college, and we've always just had a great time together. We met over the summer at a music festival and haven't ever spent significant time together since, but we've managed to stay in touch through the years. It'll be nice to get to see her more often now that I'm only 45 minutes or so from New York.

So, I guess that's about it from the town of New Brunswick. More later, of course...

INFJ???

Okay, so I'm being a little ridiculous, I know. But you've got to understand, I'm sitting around in New Brunswick, NJ with nothing to do. I've already ran today and I'm not ready to get myself to practice yet.

I took the test 3 more times. Different tests I found online. They all now say I'm an INFJ--so the only thing that is different is that last part. Instead of a 'Perceiver', I'm a 'Judger', which isn't all that appealing to me.

But, I have to admit that some parts of the description fit.

"As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand.

INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive. But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right.

In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals. INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement."

Here's the interesting part though:

Possible Career Paths for the INFJ:

Clergy/Religious Work, Teachers, Medical Doctors, Dentists, Alternative Health Care Practitioners, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counselors, Social Workers, Musicians, Artists Photographers, Child Care/Early Childhood Development

Pretty damn similar, eh?

I don't know. You can't define yourself by this stuff. I'm just trying to figure it all out, ya know? I hate wasting my time; there is so little of it. I just want to get to the point where I can support myself and spend my time with people who make me happy. Is that so hard???

INFP

Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Percieving

So, I took the Myers-Briggs Personality today. According to this well-known test, I'm a "Healer/Idealist", which just fits all too well.

"Healer Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and informative and introverted in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King's Champion or Defender of the Faith, like Sir Galahad or Joan of Arc. Healers are found in only 1 percent of the general population, although, at times, their idealism leaves them feeling even more isolated from the rest of humanity.

Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents. In a practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this is not easy for them. Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public.

Princess Diana is an example of a Healer Idealist."

And in another description:

"As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs."

Possible Career Paths for the INFP:

Writers, Counselors, Social Workers, Teachers, Professors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Musicians, Clergy, Religious Workers


I guess I'm no longer worried I'm in the complete and total wrong field. Maybe I should have been a therapist or something. That sounds so trite, wanting to be a therapist. But...is performing really on the agenda for an introvert? Yes, both teaching and being a musician are on this neat little list of 'what I should be', but what about me? What about the fact that I don't really like to teach, and performing can scare the living shit out of me?

I don't know. Obviously, anything can fit if you find the right niche. What I've been afraid of as of late is that I'm not going to find that place that fits, the job that satisfies.

I'm not saying I should drop out of Doctoral School before I even start. Of course I should give it a semester at least, if I'm at all able. But, I'm just more worried overall. Why did I get so hooked on this music thing? I love it, of course I do. But...could something else maybe just 'fit' a little better? All those jobs that are listed...I've considered each and every one of them. Yes, even the Religious Worker one. Pretty crazy how accurate these little tests can be, don't you think?

I'm scared I've made a big mistake. Maybe being a musician is on that 'careers that fit' list, but what if I just got sidetracked with something I thought was right, but there is something out there that is just much better...something out there that doesn't leave me with a disgusting sense of insecurity and dread.

I guess (as someone close to me keeps saying) I just have to give it time, and see what happens.

That's not in my nature though, and it makes my heart beat way too fast and I just want everything figured out now. It won't be; I'll have to get over that need. I'm trying. I'm trying to enjoy the process and not just jump ahead to the finish line.

I guess it's just when I can't tell which direction the race is going; when I feel lost in the middle of nowhere with no one around me...that's when I get panicked and just want to know...either way is fine, as long as I know...

But in reality, life isn't a race; you can't always see the finish line, and I'll have to get used to that. I just hope I get there eventually. I'm not competitive about my time versus anyone else's time; but I admit, I do want to get there quickly for myself.

Eva and Danny singing "Freight Train"

a Loewy added into the mix

half fisherman/half sleepy child

Pond and child (up at 7 am to fish--isn't that true dedication??)

getting ready to fish, early in the morning

close up on the colored sky

a gorgeous sunset

Jesse and Danny, performing like old times

Grandma Karin listening to the music

Just finished blowing out the candles...she just fell down the stairs, but is otherwise still perfect at 90...so amazing...

Jesse and Jacob, a father and son duo

Jacob playing...he's going to be a hottie when he gets older!

Jesse playing the harmonica

Jesse singing

such a gorgeous face...

the camera-man

Grandma Karin and little Peeloo--chilling in the sun

Becky and Gene Lepkoff

climbing the rocks on top of the falls

I never quite believe it when timed pictures actually turn out decently...

Kurt at Pike's Falls

a snake, chilling in the road

and without the glasses, trying very hard to keep my eyes open

me trying on a hat at the Londonderry Farmer's Market

The "'Put on a helmet, touch your sides, Take of the helmet' as fast as you can" competition--Misha competing

Sarah

Jacob, deep in concentration

Paul

Misha

Swade

Rocky

Rocky and Swade, neck in neck

another race is off!

the kids doing their 50 yard dash

Jacob is the winner! (sorry Jesse, you can't win at everything...haha)

Ready-Set-GO!

The beginning of the 50 yard dash

Sarah

Rocky

Swade

Paul

Jesse doing a mock-jump

The Running Long Jump--Jesse--again the winner!

Misha

Paul

Jesse--the winner!

The Standing Long Jump Competition--Jacob

Jacob and Sarah, Jesse's children

Jacob, Jesse's son

Jesse, enjoying the day