Who is she?
"95% Su"
I'm a total 95%-er.
I do things. I do them well. But, I never really achieve that 100%. I always leave one corner undone, one run skipped. I cook, but don't take the time to chop things up finely enough. I read, but I read fast and I know I miss out on some detail.
So, what is it this time? I test that I didn't study for at all. (Okay, I went into the library 15 minutes before class and read over my notes.) We got the midterm back today and I got a...you guessed it...a 95.
The things that I missed were dumb. If I had stopped to think for even another second I would have known them. But even so, if I had just put in a bit more time into the preparation, I would feel better about the grade.
I'm not complaining about a 95.
I just get this funny feeling in my stomach. I shouldn't be getting A's because I don't deserve the grade. I don't put the in, and I should be graded accordingly. I wish I had gotten a C. That would have somehow made me feel better.
A side note about the test: The last essay question involved our definition of happiness in comparison to Aristotle's definition of happiness. We were supposed to write about the two, and then explain how both affected our choice in career. (Yes, it's a music class; the teacher just takes a unique approach.) I wrote what I thought was a really honest answer. I didn't think it was depressive or melancholy...just honest. The professor's response? He wrote on the top of the page: "Let's talk."
Okay. Does he want to talk because I sound like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown or does he want to talk because he thinks I brought up some interesting ideas? I'd rather the latter, but either way I'm not going to push this whole 'talk to my teacher' thing...it never turns out well.
Anyway, back to the 95% thing. I know 95% is good (as someone told me: it's inefficient to get anything over a 90% because you get the A regardless and you'd be better off putting the time into something else). But, I'm not really talking about getting a 95% on a test or in a class or anything else. I'm talking about the fact that I never quite put my whole self into anything...I always leave just a little bit of wiggle room.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid that if I do get to that 100% of my capability, I still won't be good enough for whatever it is I'm attempting (auditions? races? classes? friendships? relationships?). Or, maybe it's more benign: Maybe it's just because I get tired of something at around 95% and want to move on.
Regardless, it's definitely a personality trait. I don't know if it's a flaw or strength, but good 'ole "95% Su" is probably here to stay, funny feeling in my stomach and all.
Or, maybe not. Maybe the guilt-ridden tummy will win out in the end and I'll find something in which I can reach that 100%. That would be nice, I think. That feeling that you get when you absolutely know you put everything you've got out there...well, it's pretty awesome. Instead of a stomachache, you get a feeling in your chest. A proud, I did it! feeling, regardless of the outcome. You can puff out your chest and walk around like a king, because the fact that you did your best is all that matters.
But, in this world of ours, it's not all that matters. You have to get the A, or you don't get the scholarship, you don't win the audition, you don't get the job. And I guess that's kind of what bums me out somehow. I wish things worked just a bit differently...it seems they ought to.
I don't want to be able to get away with being "95% Su"...
So, I guess it's just my thing, eh? I have to be able to put in that last effort (which, by the way is often times harder than the first 95% combined). But, it's worth it, right? It's worth it to know inside that you are the best version of yourself. I'll try to remember that for the final...
13 comments:
Maybe you're putting the other 5% into something else? You don't seem like the type of person who isn't putting 100% into your whole life, just spreading it around to a diverse range of interests.
personally, i think i'd have to put in 195% to finish an Ironman....
seriously though, I think you're stressing yourself out over little details. don't let these little things drag you down so much. i think you'd be a lot happier if you didn't obsess and worry about the little 5%'s all the time.
There were some pretty good comments posted before mine. That last 5% always seems like the hardest and I used to always try for it. Somehwere, somehow I decided that if I wanted to live 100% of my life I would sometimes have to be content with 95% of something. And regardless of grades, or 5k times, or zeros in our paycheck, we are 100% of who we are. And you're 100% Su.
Yeah, you are right about the last 5%. the cost is very high. It becomes a logarithm.
Maybe everyone struggles with that? I do too. I've kind of decided in life that I have to pick and choose what I decide to give 100% and it isn't often cause it can be time consuming.
Personally, I think if you operate at 95%, you are WAY WAY WAY above the norm.
Be happy, 95% is awesome. It's not your fault you are naturally gifted at music. Enjoy it. It nice that you don't have to study too hard all the time. You know you are in the right field.
(Its the same with computers/programming/networking for me. I never have to study, always 90-100%)
Dang Su, you're good, I was barely a 75%er when I was in school ;-)
Sue, I think 95% is fabulous. It is hard to be that highly consistent. I know it doesn't seem right that you can do so well with so little studying, but I'm sure some of what you're learning now, you've already learned in the past. Not everything has to be a struggle.
Good luck with school and with the decisions you are facing.
it's rough being a genius, Su, but someone's gotta do it. :)
in all seriousness, I do know what you mean. I get frustrated that I can put in so little work and still make the grades I do. it's hard for me to stay in the mindset that getting that A or finishing that marathon isn't the end all goal that i'm trying to achieve, and that I have to want to push myself to develop beyond that.
glad to see you back blogging! I don't think i've commented since you've come back around, but i've definitely been reading and thinking about ya. in fact, there was a girl in the crowd at detroit who was cheering, and I thought, "man, that looks like Su!" MADE ME RUN EXTRA HARD, I tell you. :)
Horn players like me can drive ourselves mad seeking after perfection, given the treacherous nature of the instrument. So, my old horn teacher, the zen master, had a quote that he got from somewhere that he used to keep us type A perfectionists from killing ourselves over the last 5% that can never be fully realized:
"Perfection is the ideal, but excellence is the goal."
Don't make an etheral ideal your goal, and miss out on the excellence that is right there with you all the time.
i want to know what your answer to the last question on the midterm was:)!
Giving 100% doesn't mean you'll get 100%. Some give their all just to pass. Others "give" very little and pass with flying colors. That's about what you already know versus what you have to learn.
I would be ecstatic if my kids can go to college and "breeze" their way through. It means my wife and I made some good choices with them, and they learned a lot growing up.
You deserved the grade you received, barring the professor grading unfairly. That's not generally the case.
As a triathlete, you know how to organize your time, and you know what must be done, and what can be skipped. It sounds like you do just as well at school as you did at training.
Su--I somehow found your blog and have read it off and on for a while now. Per the posts earlier re: law school and what to do...only you can make that choice, I know. But i have to caution you on law school....it's a grinding 3 years after which you will surface going, 'where did that time go?' I don't know about your background but if you haven't worked or interned in a law office or legal environment I would strongly urge you to do so before law school...I am a poet who went to graduate school for poetry and then decided to go on to law school, am now an attorney, and I wish I'd been slightly better prepared for the reality of the practice of law (very long hours, etc.) I've made it work by quitting my firm job (after less than a year of 70+ hour weeks) and am now working from home by contract w/ that same firm....which works out well, but is only financially possible b/c my husband is an engineer w/ a good salary. It was a true struggle to find the balance in life because law is a very, VERY demanding career that will be all-consuming. It sounds like this is what your music career may be....and perhaps this is part of the your ambivalence about it now? I don't know. But I guess what I'm saying is that before shelling out all that $$ for law school, be sure it will be worth your time, money, and energy, not just for 3 years but for many more. If you do it, fight to find a balance! (we young attorneys are having to do that now and it's very hard!)
Can't believe I just wrote all that but I guess I feel strongly. Love your blog. Run the marathon!
hey buddy. wanted to comment on two things, and we should definitely talk soon. first, law school. the LSAT is a total bitch. i took it last year and it almost ate me alive. and i'm a great tester. and i did really well. but i only applied to one law school (and they only accept 8% of their applicants) and i didn't get in. and it pretty much fucked my world up for several months. and i even now, a year later, am still thinking about it. and the point of my anecdote is this: when you're dealing with lots of shit, sometimes piling more shit (particularly really difficult, painful shit) on your plate is not what's going to help. granted, it serves as a distraction for a time. but ultimately it can lead to more soul-searching and angst. more about that later. the other thing is this 95% comment. natalie made me a tshirt once that said 20% on the front because she said i would be really awesome if i ever gave more than 20% of my energy to anything. so you're doing 75% better than me, man. and beyond that, 95% for you in terms of your strength and your abilities is something that is COMPLETELY UNATTAINABLE for like 95% of the population. meaning that you're really rad, and while you feel like you're half-assing it, you're actually kind of a total rock star. really i am trying to say that you have to give yourself a break sometimes, lady. and isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?
xoxox
what a great post. I swear, you are describing me, another 95%er. What prevents us from putting in that last 5%? So many complex issues, internal and external, hard to identify just one... While often 95% is "good enough" for whatever is at hand, it irritates me that I can get by with "good enough." Maybe it is the perfectionist streak that says, no, good enough is NOT good enough, it has to be perfect! And I do not know if that voice is good or bad! But I think that perhaps, when faced with something that REALLY matters, that REALLY strikes you at the core, you (or I) will put in the 100%. It could just be that the 95% tendency is a way of balancing all in life and knowing that everything does not need to be 100%, as long as all the balls are being juggled, some stuff is perfectly fine at 95% and that's okay.
Well, not sure if this makes any sense, but I just wanted to say, I completely understand what you mean about 95%. For me, it's both the fear you described and the moving on to new things... I skip all over the place--by the time I get to 95% I'm totally interested in something new and move on. I have decided, however, to stop placing the label "good" or "bad" on this tendency! It just is. :)
Great post!
Post a Comment