how you think you want one thing...and then it doesn't happen and it doesn't happen and you're miserable...and it still doesn't happen...and then all of a sudden you're not miserable and you realize that it's a probably a good thing it never happened...you probably didn't really want it anyway.
so why all the misery? why is the horrible process necessary? i'd love to be at the point where i can just accept what i have and what i don't have and trust that the right things will come to be.
i just can't help but be scared that i might have taken a wrong turn somewhere...and that i DID need that one thing to happen...and now that it didn't (i screwed it up somehow), i'll never again be okay.
but, i'm happy now. i like where i am and i'm not pining for something i don't have, qualities i can't posess.
so, trust in the universe.
i recently talked with a professor about faith. he said the opposite of faith would not be doubt, but would instead be certainty. because, if you're certain, then there is no need for faith. faith is the belief, the trust, in what can't be certain.
i like that.
i did hills yesterday. 8 of 'em. today i ran to my doctor's appointment and back. tomorrow, i'm taking off before my 12 miles on saturday.
training is going well. school is going well (i like my classes--i've NEVER liked my classes). the flute is going well. i have friends. i just ate an entire pot of couscous.
things are looking up, finally (it's been a freaking year and a half).
trust in the universe. bad things happen to good people (to quote a book title), and you have to steer your own path in the world...but trust that things will work out--it's almost impossible to enjoy life without it.
i'm so incredibly glad that [for now] i can see that. (and what really matters besides the present, the now-time, anyway? you can plan for the future and imagine everything you could possibly want from the world, but when and where are you actually living? right here, right now... and that's all.)
i know the feeling of peace won't be permanent, and i'm actually okay with that. life is cyclical and even though you are constantly learning and growing, sometimes you have to figure out the same things over and over again. so i'll discover all of this again someday, and i'll once again be happy to have figured it out. there's nothing wrong with that.
i'm going to register for wildflower. i don't know if i'll end up being able to go (freaking expensive plane flight, getting my bike there, etc), but i do want the option. so, count me in. the worst that happens is that i lose my registration fee. so, here's the question...the half or the olympic...?
6 comments:
Your mood is showing and I'm glad to hear about the couscous ;-)
G
First, I've always been of the belief that what happened yesterday... Happened yesterday. We are where we are in life for a reason; either because we're supposed to be (faith) or because we made a decision to be (certainty). Either way, we're here, and we need to make the most of where we're going.
Onto less existentialist topics: Wildflower seems like such a great event to do! But coming from the East coast is tough, like you said. Just remember that you can get good deals on airfare if you purchase early, you can box your bike using a case (probably a good friend could loan you one, or a bike shop could rent you one), and you get free bike-transport vouchers for most airlines when you're a USAT member.
Have fun!
I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. My favorite saying about happiness is:
"There is no better time than right now to be happy; Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So, work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And, dance like no one is watching." I especially like to dance like no one is watching. : )
Oh, and your post reminds me of the Garth Brooks song "Some times I thank God for unanswered prayers" or something like that. Enjoy the happiness!
If it were me, I'd go with the half, but you have speed and endurance, so either would be great.
i'm gonna trust in the universe, what else are youse gonna do?
the universe is telling me to do the half.
sign up for what the universe is telling YOU to do!
Trust in your path. You may end up at some horrible dead ends and you may have to back track a few times...but in the end- you get what you need and you go where you need to go.
Looking forward to meeting you at Wildflower!
I think a friend once e-mailed you: "there are no wrong turns." :) Can't tell you how glad I am that you're back with us--all the way back.
Mrs. Greyhound and I are planning on being at Wildflower, and I really hope we get to see you.
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