Thanks for the advice. Thanks for telling me not to be too hard on myself and to just get out there. That's a definite problem of mine. I'm so hard on myself that I disabilitate myself and then I'm no longer capable of even doing the minimum, much less reaching whatever potential I might have.
But, you're all right. It's not about the race persay, but just getting out there in the environment I've come to love and doing my best, whatever that may be right now. Another day it'll be better, and hell, another day it'll be worse. You take what you can get. If you don't, you might just end up with nothing...and what does that accomplish?
So, I'll be in Philadelphia, marching my way through 26.2m...just to finish and have a good time. One of these days, though...I swear I'm going to break 4 hours. And then another day, I promise I'm going to qualify for Boston. One day...just not this day or even this year.
On another subject, I've been having trouble figuring out what to do with this so-called career/future of mine. I'm in music school, as you all know...getting my Doctorate, with the hopes of someday either being in an orchestra or teaching at a University. Here's the trouble though...the jobs don't exist. They're SO few and far between that you have to be willing to live in any remote corner of the world at anyone's beck and call...and then you still will only be paid peanuts.
Now, I'm not someone who really cares about money. I wouldn't be this far along a career in music if I did. However, I have grown up since making this life decision at the age of 14 (Who lets 14 year olds make decisions anyway? They should be shot...) and I now realize that you do, in fact, need a certain amount of money to make your way through this world with any kind of confidence or ease. I don't care about being rich. I do care about being able to comfortably support a family. I do care about being able to live where the person and people I love live.
I love music and I always want music to be part of my life, but I refuse to let music be my life.
I've grown bitter about the whole thing. I'm sarcastic and disinterested and I'm afraid I've been spoiled; that I'm burnt out. I practiced so ridiculously much (11 hours a day, not exaggerating) at way too young an age...and I'm afraid that I just used it all up, that I can no longer put the work in. I want to be a musician, but I feel like I'm 'done', like I'm no longer a work in progress.
And of course, that's a really horrible feeling. One always wants to be moving forward. I haven't felt like I was moving forward with the flute for quite a while. If anything, I feel like I'm getting worse because I no longer put the time I should into it.
So, part of me feels like I've 'been there/done that' and I need to move on. Law school beckons in the back of my mind, and I've researched LSAT times and review classes. I even had the 'I'm quitting' talk with my teacher today.
But then there is the actuality of it all...and I just don't know if I can follow through. I've defined myself as a flute player for so long, I don't know if I would know who I am without it. I'm having enough trouble finding myself these days; perhaps I don't need to add another struggle to the mix.
Is that the easy way out though? To just continue down this same path because it's the one I'm already on? Or is that just persevering through a hard time? I can't desipher it. I only know that I'm not happy right now, and something has to change, whether it be my attitude towards music or my choice of career.
Part of me worries that I'm projecting unhappiness in general onto music, and that music is more the culprit than the cause. But how do I know? I feel like a dog chasing its tail, never catching it, but always close. I feel like I'm about to fall over in exhaustion without anything at the end.
I don't know. I don't know what I'm asking for here. Obviously, no one can tell me what to do. Advice from other people who changed careers? Other people chasing some kind of dream with no reward? Or maybe just sympathy? Again, I really don't know.
I guess I just needed to write it all out. I'm not any closer to a solution, but at least I have proof that I'm thinking about it. That's got to count for something...
11 comments:
At 14 you were so sure, it was hard to make you see any other way. You wanted to leave home even earlier to get into a music/arts high school. Nobody could have stopped your decision back then. Now, I think that you are right as well-- it is something to decide if unhappiness about other life problems is causing the unhappiness with music or if it is music, itself, that gives the unhappiness. You are right-- being a musician for your life work-- is a commitment that can be hard. You are the only one that can determine if it is the right thing or not. I guess that my only advice is to give yourself more time-- you will know when you know. Do not force yourself into a decision. It will come naturally at the right time. Try to live in the present and see where it brings you. With Love from your old Mom with all her own, albeit different, doubts and confusions.
Su whatever you decide just make sure it feels right for you and don't worry too much about how it effects anyone else. If something feels good to you and deep down you know it makes you happy that work toward that goal, whether it will provide money or not. Money really isn't everything and somehow things always seem to work out despite financial hardships (funny I think you just said the same thing to me a few short months ago). You'll get there girl, you're on the right path.
Oh and don't give up on that sub 4, you still have 4 weeks. Get out there and get in some speed work and two more long runs. You can definitely do it.
Life decisions can be tough, especially at the crossroads of grad school and career life. Sometimes you need to look way far forward to see what the next step is.
Imagine your "perfect" life in 20 years. Then figure out from that image where you'd be in 15. What would you need to do in 10 years to make it there? Where do you need to be in 5? What should you do this coming year to get started?
See what I mean?
And keep in mind that for many, you are something other than a flutist. You are an Ironman. You just happen to be an Ironman who plays flute.
Others probably know you as the marathoner who happens to play flute, and once ran an Ironman triathlon.
And others might see you in completely other roles.
It can take a long time to get from high school to "the" job. I graduated HS in 1987. It wasn't until 2003 that I landed in what I hope to be my long term position. And even that is only a hope.
You are defined by much more than a cylinder of metal.
Su, you've always been way more than a flute player to me - that's why we're friends. Sure, I'll always remember the time when we were sitting in EMF orchestra and your nose ring shot out across the stage...god, that was funny. I know what you mean though - this fear that what you DO defines you. I don't think that it's so unique to us musicians, though - I think anyone who is very invested in what they do goes through exactly this. I'm sure, realistically, to a lot of people you are just a flute player (Susanna, 1st year DMA, Flute - you know the drill)...but the thing is, if those people haven't taken the time to know you, they probably don't deserve to. Now...no matter where you are and what you decide to do in life, the flute will be a part of you - you'll never get away! :) Maybe...maybe you should continue with this year at school, but also apply to law schools or whatever it is you're thinking of doing - just because you apply doesn't mean you're going to quit flute - and nobody even has to know. Just see how it feels to do it. I think that's what I would do...I think the person, I think your mom, who said "you know when you know" is exactly right. I know I'm young, and inexperienced, and I haven't quesitoned being a flute player since I was 14...but, I know and love you - and as hard as this is, there will be a time when it doesn't hurt so much. Trust.
~A
ps- call me when you're in NYC tomorrow
Good luck, Su. :)
(Your writing and these comments are helping me out, too. Thanks for writing your thoughts down.)
The average person changes careers FIVE time in there live. FIVE! I’m on #3. I’m thinking my next one will be going pro! Ha!
Believe it or not its not hard. Before I left my first career I didn’t know how to do it.. I knew that I wanted to and I would talk to anyone that would listen. One guy told me “just go do it.”
“It’s not that easy” I said.
“Sure it is” and he walked away.
The next day I gave my notice. I didn’t know how I was going to make it but I was going to do it. And it’s like the pilgrims that burned there ships when they got to the new world. There is no going back.
Now I find myself self employed in real estate, which all my friends laughed at when I started because I’m not a personable person. But it’s the best job I ever had. You get paid as much as you want. No one tells you what time you have to work for and you never have to ask for time off. All you have to do is work and care about your clients, the money follows. (The best part is the amount of training time you can get in.)
Best of luck, and keep your eyes open, there’s a ‘forest somewhere in those trees’.
Cheers
Rice
i still feel twinges of guilt for betraying my former life as a violinist.
i felt the same way you do last year. how could i even think of doing something other than music when i've put so much of myself into chasing my childhood dream of being a member of "THIS/THAT" orchestra? to have spent all those years in the city only to brush off 10 years in conservatory as a stepping stone into MEDICINE of all things!?
i can't say that i knew i was making the right decision when i started to apply. it felt much more foreign than it felt right. what convinced me was that i was excited and interested and eager. of course it was intimidating. a career change is scarier than any audition or recital i've ever played.
honestly, i didn't know what i was getting into. but it felt right to put my time into something that was inspiring.
don't worry su, whatever is meant to be will be. we are always most comfortable with that which is most familiar. you are not the type of person that can live life just being comfortable. you need to be stimulated and challenged. you'll find whatever it is you need - i'm not the least bit worried.
*where do i send your hose warming gift? i need your new contact info.
hi su! glad to see you are blogging again. i just wanted to tell you that i know how you feel--feeling "used up" as a musician--you put it perfectly. just remember nothing is permanent and one decision is never going to determine the rest of your life-there will always be opportunity for change. you're so smart and you have so much beauty inside you. try to remind yourself it's ok to do something at 50% for a while instead of 100%.
love you,
jojo
when i was 14 i was fairly certain i was going to be a poet or a writer- i'd start out by making note of the world around me, and i had always been successful in highschool at editing the school newspaper and the year book- journalism school bored me to tears at the university of MN. SO, i majored in psychology, thinking i didn't NEED a degree in writing to WRITE!
i never did decide if to write or to stick to my profession of psychotherapy, so i do both, and if feels right. i'm not very financially successful at either one, but it's what i'm happy doing. plus i take some pretty good photographs that supplement my income, and i'm good at raising funds for arty causes.
anyway, like john lennon said- was it john lennon? "life is what happens to you while your busy making plans."
so, like your friend above said, "don't worry, Su- whatever is meant to be will be."
as for goals and plans, in my opinion, their sole purpose is motion, and a little bit of direction, not so much destination. so long as you have self directed/guided motion you WILL arrive at your destination.
be well:).
Dear Su,
I stumbled across your website and blog and have been intrigued. You are really good at writing your thoughts and they resonate deeply with me. I am also a flutist who decided at a young age to pursue music, shuffled along by teachers into the conservatory track. Ever since I finished my DMA I've been floundering a bit, too, wondering how the heck I got this far, still unsure about how it all fits together. I have a great ensemble full of wonderful friends, but we only play a dozen concerts a year and can hardly survive on the pitiful pay. I love teaching but haven't gotten a full time job at a university in a place where I'd like to live. Me and my husband are thinking of starting a family, how in the world will I support kids? I don't know, I guess I can really relate to your experience of spending so many years in a zombie like practicing conservatory trance, while having a curious and intelligent mind that easily finds passion in other things besides music. I've been thinking about getting into arts administration and can relate to your curiosity about changing careers. I live in West Orange, NJ not too far from you. Best wishes on your journey, thanks for your wonderful and insightful blog. jessica johnson
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