So this is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking of perhaps taking a semester off. Nothing so extreme as quitting school or quitting the flute, but just a semester to attempt to figure things out.
I registered for the LSATs, so I might apply to law school. Or, I might not. Applications are due February 1, so I have time to decide. I signed up for the test so that I would have that option open.
So, next semester I could just try and see if I miss school, or if I just want to be a freelancing musician for now, or if I want to go to law school, or if I want to do something completely different.
I think the time off would be good because I can't figure it out when I'm in the midst of everything here. I go through my daily routine and weeks pass by and then months do, and now I'm already taking midterms. And that's all fine and good, but I'm not happy. Maybe I'm not happy here; maybe I'm not happy with other things. But, it's pretty much impossible to figure it out with all the variables still intact. So, the idea is to knock out one of those variables and go from there. I could always come back. Or not.
But of course, there are the details of making it actually work. I would have to sublet my apartment and figure out how to live really cheaply. I could move home, but I might go crazy if I do that (okay, I might go more crazy). Part of me wants to move back to Cleveland for the time off because I feel like there are still some loose ends there, and perhaps that's why I can't seem to get into the swing of things here. Maybe going back would give me some sort of closure (yuck, I hate that word) and I would then be able to either be happy with the situation there, or else really move on. Or maybe going back would be a horrible mistake and I would just be miserable for 4 months. Maybe the last thing I should do right now is hugely uproot myself and cause more turmoil than I already feel. Maybe I should just keep trucking along and see where things go from here.
ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
And I kind of have to figure this stuff out by Monday, because my teacher (rightfully) wants to know what's up.
If I were to move back to Cleveland, I would have to figure out how to live without much money. I'm sure I could re-connect with some of my old jobs, but not all of them...and I was barely making ends meet last year. Maybe being a nanny somewhere? But, I don't know if I could really do that. I like kids, but I'm not a 'kid-person', if you know what I mean.
So. I don't know. I obviously can't just crash on a couch for months at a time, so even though I have friends there, that doesn't really help.
Why does it have to be so fucking hard? I just want some stability. I want to feel good with where I am and what I'm doing, and I'm so far from that. My stomach hurts from anxiety and my hands shake. I'm a mess, and it's hard for me to function on a daily basis. And I hate that all I do is write about this crap. I don't want to be a negative read. I want to be positive and fun to read; I feel like I used to be.
I don't know what happened. Whatever happened to the whole time-machine idea? I could certainly use one right now. Past (to try to fix things) or future is of no relevance. I just want to be somewhere other than the present because the present (excuse the wording, but I don't know how else to put it) sucks. A lot.
Probably no one is still reading by now, but that's okay. Eventually I'll get back to the point where I use this space to entertain, but for now I have to concentrate on fixing things here. And don't get me wrong: I know how lucky I am in countless ways and I am very thankful, even if it doesn't seem that way. I'm just going through a rough patch, and sometimes it's hard to see the sun through the clouds.
11 comments:
I'm still reading! Hope you figure things out...do what's best for YOU!
What's happening is...you're 24. Not that I have all my shit together at 29...far from it!
But I remember thinking and feeling lots of the SAME things you are writing here. Some really, really eerie similarities, my tri-flute friend!
Had my law school application signed and sealed, too. :)
I know it sucks, and this isn't going to make it feel better--but somehow, things WILL work out. Trust your gut and your instinct, rely on your friends, and if you ever want to talk more about it I'm here!
As for what happens after 30, I have no effing clue. :)
You probaby dont want to hear this, but I say stick it out. Finish your phd (I think) before you even think about anything else.
You're older self will thank you. You current feelings will fade, but degrees stick around for the rest of your life.
These feelings will change over time, probably sooner than you think if you really work at it.
Just try to look at some new ways to 'enjoy' where you are now and to make it more exciting. Head down, grit your teeth and make it work.
I also think the Law School options sounds really good.
Anxious stomach and shaking hands ... you might need some help. Are you getting help?
Taking the semester off was the advice I was going to give you the other day. William is right, degree's last forever, but in reality you could take several years off and still come back and finish your degree.
Worry less about the odds and ends of this change. The reason you are so anxious right now is because you are stagnating. It happens to everybody in jobs, school, relationships and life. You have two options. 1) Stick it out. It almost always gets better at some point, though that point may be a long way off. 2) Make change. The change itself will get you unstagnated with new challenges and paths to walk on.
I think you are at a crossroads. Crossroads in life always make us uneasy. Which direction do you go? Don't worry about it so much. No matter how you get there, you always end up where you are supposed to be. So don't be unhappy. If you don't like the scenery, take a different path. The world will not end and we will all still here for you.
G
you're the only who can really make this decision su. know that all of your friends and family support you no matter what you do.
know that whatever you're struggling with is independant of where you are living or who you are surrounded by. you'll never find happiness outside yourself.
take the semester off because no one can live with persuing something they don't beleive in. but don't move back to cleveland because it's more comfortable - it sounds way too complicated and not so affordable.
stay where you, without any distracting influences, and study for the LSAT's while you calm your nerves. everything will work out to better than you can imagine - the trick is to be patient enough to let it all unfold.
rent is cheap in maine and i've got a bedroom ready and waiting for you up in maine.
i love you su. let me know what you need.
If you decide on the law degree, let me know. I REALLY want to go to law school and have to little things stopping that right now. B-Boy and Monster Girl. They are far more important than another school.
But.....
Imagine you and I get our law degrees, join with Greyhound, and form the group All That Legal Jazz. Three Ironman, juris doctorate, musicians. Of course, I'll have to get much better to compete with either of you in the music and IM department. But I'll hold my own in the debates.
Curly Su,
I totally understand what you're going thru, as I'm going thru something similar myself (at age 34, if that matters!) I tend to get bogged down in introspection, as opposed to action, because as a perfectionist, I want to be sure I am taking action in the right direction before I begin... *sigh*
So, anyway, I thought I'd pass along a link I've been reading, which has given me much good insight and food for thought.
www.stevepavlina.com
lots of great articles there.
Good luck!!
if theres any reason to be in Noho, you are welcome to stay with us-we're real easy cooking
;^)
Lydia and family
cooking?!! I meant going-must have food on my mind!!!
Love always...
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