You just want to be left alone.
You feel like crap and you WANT to feel like crap and you don't want people trying to tell you everything is going to be okay because what if it isn't? Did anyone ever think of that? That maybe things won't work out. Maybe things will just keep going wrong and you'll never feel satisfied, satiated, Jerry-McGuire-complete.
And you don't want people talking to you about this later.
Because you don't always have to talk about what you feel; it's your right to be able to write it down without getting attacked by everyone later. No one knows what to say anyhow.
And that's only because there really is nothing to say.
It's my own problem, I know.
Things could/should be a whole hell of a lot worse. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying...I don't know where I am and what I'm doing and worse...I don't know where I want to be or what I want to do.
Working towards a goal isn't hard for me. That, I can do. But, this goal-less feeling? That I can't do.
So then you alienate everyone you know and love and tell them you don't want to talk and you want to be left alone...because you do. And then all of a sudden, you realize...you're lonely...and maybe that's worse. But, maybe not...because at least you're not bringing other people down into your black cloud.
You're not a black cloud type of person. Usually the eternal optimist, you don't know how to properly deal with these feelings of complete and total lack of control. You like control. Too much. Then you let go and you get scared and things come crashing down...and you're afraid to wait to see if you're capable of picking them up again...so you look for a little too long, and then move on, head in hands, looking down.
Why do I have to be the happy one all of the time? Why am I always taking care of other people? Where are people for me when I need help?
Oh yeah...I told them to get lost...they didn't know what to say anyhow.
But, if they can't handle you like that, then what good are they? There will be times like this...things won't always be good. There will be fights and crying and black clouds and self doubt and everything else. And you can hope that the good will out-weigh the bad...but maybe it won't, and you have to be able to deal with that possibility too.
Why all the complication? Why can't things be clean, normal? They are for others; how did things get so out of control for me? I remember when they weren't...
I'll stop. I'm not fixing anything. And that's the real problem, I guess...I don't know how to fix anything, and I so desperately want them to be fixed.
12 comments:
There is no right or wrong thing that anyone can say to make it better that’s why no one can help you at a time like this. No one buy yourself, and only then when your ready. Just let it happen, the more you try and fix it the worse it will be. Live with yourself in every moment, don’t think about the past and future think about everything that is around you now. Look at life like your on vacation. You know how everything looks when you’re on vacation; well see that in every thing you do. And do not do anything in ‘unconscious competence’, not even walking, breathing, feel every step you take down the hall all through your entire body. You’ll start to feel more aware of yourself and things will start to pull into that all by themselves.
Well for what its worth that’s all I have to say. Its helped me through a lot of tough weeks.
Cheers.
Rice.
Thinking of you.....
I had this whole long comment written out, but when it comes down to it, it can be shortened to basically what trisaratops said. And to say that this all made perfect sense to me. just know that you're not alone, even if you want to be, or feel like you are. :)
Been there too. No advice, just a big brother cyber hug.
Greyhound hit it right, because any advice would just "feel" wrong, at the moment. Just know it will pass. The goals will come into focus, the path more clear.
Until then, we're all hear to listen.
You'll get there. You can do anything...you're an iron(wo)man
Take a nap -- things always seem better after sleep. :) Good luck
been there, am there, or maybe been there. you tell me. i don't know.
This is going to sound ridiculous. Take it with a mondo grain of salt.
Walk or run in a thunderstorm and listen to powerful music. Somehow, being surrounded by so much electricity and fury helps me to come to grips with my frustration, fear, sadness, and anger. Plus, if I listen to something that expresses a wide range of emotions (i.e., Verdi Requiem, Mahler 6), by the end of my time, I'm spent and emotionally exhausted...but I feel better. It might be a short-term solution, but the endorphines from exercise and the fact that nobody's outside in the storm looking at you weirdly allow for some time to figure things out on your terms.
Worked for me earlier this week. Good luck.
I know exactly how you feel. To the point where I'd like to copy your post and use it myself.
Wish I could tell you how to fix things. Never like to see people feel like this.
Sorry. Hope this rights itself in no time at all...and know that we are all thinking of you.
OMG ~ I can SO relate....
Why does life have to be so freakin hard sometimes?
It makes the "highs" that much higher I guess.....
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