But, I'm done. I'm all packed.
The house is so freaking depressing; I can't stand to be in it.
Baruch got picked up today, and so everything is just way too quiet. No dog, no boyfriend...just me. I need to be comfortable with that, I know...but it's just so hard sometimes.
And I have wonderful friends that I'm very thankful for, but I'm moving...and of course I'll stay in touch...but who is going to go to ice cream with me next week?
24 hours in a day--what am I going to do with them?
I'm scared of being lonely all the time.
I know I'll meet people, but it'll take some effort...and I'll have to be patient (not my forte), and I just plain don't want to move.
7 years in Cleveland--that's a 3rd of my waking life...at least...maybe more?
I'm not just scared of being lonely; I'm scared of everything.
And yes, I had some wine so I'm being maybe a little more dramatic than otherwise...but that doesn't change the validity of the feelings...
A friend told me that if I just have faith that I've been given everything I need, I'll be fine. And that's great...except...how do you have that faith all the time? I think, in general, I do have it. Sometimes. Then other times...I don't at all...
You can't believe in something just because you're scared not to believe, but isn't it just so much easier to think that there is someone else in control?
What do you do with your past? Do you keep going and pretend it's not there? Do you take it with you and keep it as part of yourself? Do you want it there with you or do you want to start over? How do you know what you want to be; who you want to be? When is that determined?
I'm 24 and I wish I were 35. I want my life to be settled; I don't want to be in transition anymore. I want to be on a clear path that I understand. I hate liminality.
I have to get up at 5:15 tomorrow to swim. I swam 4000 yards today, which I felt was a big achievement, but the IronMan swim is 4224 yards (yes, I converted 2.4 miles), and that's not much longer, but it is longer. And then 112 miles on a bike? And then a marathon? Am I out of my mind?
I don't even care about that though. I'll do it; I'll get through it. I care about more than that; I care about the whole picture, and I don't know if I'm able these days to take it in. That's what bothers me. I feel like I've been concentrating on the edges of the puzzle so long that I forgot what the picture in the middle actually represents.
It's time for bed. I'll regret posting this in the morning, I'm sure.
18 comments:
Oh Curly Su...
Life doesn't necessarily get easier. I'm 34, and I'd love to be 25 again, to apply what I've learned. But you have a great thing going. You've got a network. And it's going to expand. And I'm only one of many in blog-land who plans to keep up, to keep tabs. Because most of us knows what lonely feels like, and we wouldn't wish it on someone as sweet as you...
Good luck.
I'm sure when you look at the whole puzzle, you will like what you see. As you move forward, I wish for you all that your heart desires.
No regrets...
I am afraid I have some bad news: I am 35 and still things are not settled!! hahahahahaha Learn to live with that. Better yet, it is a quality of live. As is having emotions like being scared and feeling lonely. It is all part of live.
You will get over it in no time!
Goodluck with moving
Every end is a new beginning..may your new beginning will fill with awesome memories...
i'm 35, and i wish i were 42. i want MY life to be settled:).
:::every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end:::
you're going to amaze yourself - anything is possible right now for you.
Mrs. Pol and I used to joke about "when we would slow down." First, it was after she got her MBA and I left the Navy. Then, it was after I graduated from college and got a job. Suddenly, it's after our kids get into school. Then, it will be after the graduate and get married.
You're well on your way to completing an Ironman race, which shows you have the drive and determination to get through anything. Moving is always tough, especially if it puts you into an "alone" situation. But there's a whole triathlon group to be found in your new home.
And I calculated the yards in an 1/8 mile, which was than calculated up to 1/2, full, and 2.4 miles before I ever signed up for my first race. I'm currently up to 1000 yards, so 4000 seems monstrous. Great job.
I know what you are going through on the lonely aspect. I am 25 and sometimes I wish I was just settled down. But I am not. And I don't want to be older just to be settled. Life's too short. Goodluck with moving! Enjoy it! Think of it as another chapter in your life!
These big steps can be pretty hard and intimidating, but give the process some time, and I'm sure you'll someday wonder how you could have ever feared this move.
Best of luck, and if you're in the area, I'll go get some (low-fat) ice cream with you ;-)
Word.
I can safely say that I've been intermittently lonely ever since I left Cleveland--a sorry fact for the numbers, but it has enabled me to grow in ways I never thought possible. I hate liminality just as much as the next person, but isn't that what the 20s are about? Perhaps the key is to make the most of this rootless period...after all, people are living longer nowadays and we certainly have enough time for the mortgages and full-time jobs which will inevitably cross our paths...
In the meantime, enjoy getting away from the turquoise bricks of CIM (unless they went down with the Pavillion), and have fun at a larger university. Here's to a new chapter in your life!
some one said the most comforting words in the Bible are ...."And it came to pass". Just remember your moving to a great area, advancing your dream and so this loneliness will pass.
sometimes I am amazed at how we have the exact same feelings. maybe it's something that all people go through?
I too, have the feelings that I wish I just knew what my life had in store for me. I don't want to be scared that i'm doing the wrong thing, or going down the wrong path. but there's some beauty in knowing that right now, now that we don't know what the future has in store for us... we can decide what we want to do, what we want to be, what will make us happy, and begin to travel a path that works towards that. sure, that path will twist and turn, and that's good. sometimes life will force you to go deep into valleys where you never intended to be, where you never want to be... you'll come out of them. trust me.
there's so much here in your post... so much that makes me say, "oh my god, she is me right now," that I can't even begin to address all of them in a comment. and hell, I don't even have the answers. but just know that there are others who feel the same way.
and enjoy the ironman. like you said before, it's a perfect time in your life to be doing it... and it's something that you'll look back on and wish you had savored if you just pass it off as another piece of the bigger puzzle. It's the intricate detail and beauty of the smaller pieces that make the whole puzzle an amazing picture.
ok. sorry for the rambling. take care, and know that we're all thinking about you.
I'm 39 (USAT says I'm 40) and sometimes I wish I was 24 again. But in the end, if we wish we were somewhere else, we miss the now where we are.
If it counts for anything, I admire your guts in stepping out and moving across the country to develop a music career. I did it and it scared me too.
You're gonna be geat.
...but who is going to go to ice cream with me next week?
Me me me!!!
There are also some great running (and tri-) teams with lots of friendly people on 'em, too.
You may be leaving the area, but you aren't leaving us! You can still visit us anytime, just point and click and you will be a part of our adventures, as we will yours. I am thinking of you and your IM quest, and your new adventures in NJ. You are brave and strong, not only physically, but mentally, too. I have no doubt that you will succeed. You may want life to be settled, but believe me, I envy your freedom right now - I am 31 and wish for 24. All thoughts that have been said above, but so true. Hang in there, Su. You will be great. And we are all still here for you, if not in person, then in spirit.
I don't wish I was younger or older but one thing I do is press on looking unto the hope that is set before me. Life is full of every opportunity and we must lay hold of it any way we can. Enjoy and have fun!
hope your dad's ok and put up some pics of the new apt. soon! hope the move went well.
Rosie says - you are not alone. You are just in a different phase of your life. I'm 46 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I hope I never really do. I cling to my childlike approach to life. I didn't really have a "young adult" life. I had 2 kids by the time I was 24; 3 by age 27. It's great. My life was just what it needed to be. My children taught me a multitude of things I needed to know - including faith and joy. They continue to be my strength and challenge. My youngest graduated yesterday. I'm in a new phase of my life too.
I guess I'm trying to say that someone else IS in control and you just have to trust that He leads you on the path that is best for you.
Good luck in France and in your future. You may not read this because your post was a few days ago. Believe it or not, life is never really "settled" - and I don't really think you would like it if you came to a point where you know what and who you want to be. Just keep searching to be the best "you". And hopefully, you spend a lot of interesting and fun hours in that search.
You know, I don't think I ever told you - I play (played - present tense isn't really accurate, though I own one) the flute? I remember the joy of playing and where it led me - playing violin, bassoon, trombone, marching in the band, singing and majoring in theater. I was not a world class musician, but I really enjoyed the journey.
God Bless you Susanna.
Rosie
Being 39 and feeling like 24 I'm waiting to grow up. Having a friend like you keeps me young.
It was great seeing you at the pool Friday morning so I could wish you good luck, not good-bye.
I'll look forward to your posts as you start this exciting part of your life. You will always have friends in Cleveland.
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