the leaves are changing colors

but the sky is continually grey.

i don't know how much longer i can deal with the non-stop clouds...and it's only october. every year i think it's going to be my last cleveland-winter, but somehow i end up back here, suffering through yet another frigid 8 month winter.

i'm a southern girl; i need the sun.


i quit being a vegetarian. i'm bummed out about it, but i wasn't eating properly and just wasn't feeling well in general. maybe someday i'll be able to stick it out...i really am a vegetarian at heart.

i feel not quite all there recently. i can't keep up with what i need to be doing. i'm not making time for the things i want to be doing, and it seems as though everything i'm doing is painful in one way or another.

i love running with people, and i had a great time going out last night. but, i probably should have stayed at home, practiced, and kept my dog company. i know i can't do that every night, but i need to start doing it SOME nights. i don't know where my motivation went. everything seems a bit black lately.

i miss phil. i'm jealous of him too. why does everything work out for him? i'm happy for him, but it makes me a bit bitter too...and then i feel badly that i'm jealous of my own boyfriend...isn't that a little weird?

i just want some success...it's been too long. i know this is overly dramatic, but i feel like nothing has gone the proverbial 'my way' in such an extensive amount of time.

i'm a generally happy person, and i don't need lots of money to feel good about myself. but sometimes i just feel so STUPID for putting myself in this situation. i could have gone into anything...and i chose something destined for torture. i'm tired of it. i want to feel good about myself and where my life is going, but i feel so out of control.

i know it's dumb to feel alone, lonely. i am perfectly aware that there are lots of people who care about me. but, i can't help but be crushed everytime someone who said they would call...just doesn't. it makes me feel like i'm in middle school again, and i hate it. i love my friends, and i know that it takes effort on both sides (and perhaps i haven't made enough effort with some lately)...but do these insecurities ever end?